


Blood-Stained Petals

by ToastedBagel1



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Abuse, Accidental Kissing, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alex is not good, Alternate Universe - Flower Shop, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bad Decisions, Bruises, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everyone Has Issues, Evil Alexander Hamilton, F/F, F/M, Fighting, Flower Crowns, Fluff, Gay James Madison, Gay Thomas Jefferson, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, Lawyers, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Not Good, Not Happy, Oblivious Thomas, POV James Madison, Physical Abuse, Psychological Torture, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Strong Language, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Trauma, Triggers, Violence, at all, but it’s all good in the end, domestic abuse, jeffmads - Freeform, lots of fluff, so much, stay safe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:41:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 56,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22642777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToastedBagel1/pseuds/ToastedBagel1
Summary: “How do you say ‘fuck you’ super passive aggressively in flowers?”After an unnaturally tall, and unnaturally handsome man appears at the flower shop I’ve worked at for money for school- and then gives me a hundred dollar bill, might I add- I was a little more than curious.Sure, things got screwed up along the way, a few black eyes, and maybe a few too many bruises, but Mr. Handsome and Tall, or the dork named Thomas, was always there for me.Even if he didn’t really know me.I couldn’t let him.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/George Washington, Alexander Hamilton/James Madison, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson, Angelica Schuyler & Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler & Margaret "Peggy" Schuyler, James Madison/George Washington, James Reynolds/Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson/George Washington, Thomas Jefferson/Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette, Thomas Jefferson/James Madison
Comments: 161
Kudos: 83





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Physical and psychological abuse  
> Please stay safe!

"How do you say 'fuck you' super passive-aggressively in flowers?"

So that was the start of my Monday afternoon, a pretty calm day otherwise to say the least. I mean- pretty calm. The usual rushing husband getting flowers for his forgotten anniversary, a teenager grasping at straws- or carnations- to apologize for cheating on his girlfriend. Another day of being told people's rushed life stories, and I was not complaining. Studying to be a psychologist after all- it was good practice!

But when a curly-haired, gorgeous face of a man- don't let my boyfriend hear that- pops out of nowhere with the biggest scowl at a pastel-colored flower shop, it's bound to raise a few questions. He glared down at his polished shoes and repeated the question, slightly softer.

Oh! Shit! This is a real guy, okay, here we go. Social skills, don't fail me now.

"Oh, um, y-yeah." I cringed. Not off to a great start. But still, that's an interesting bouquet of flowers if he's trying to get full-on hatred for someone across. "So, uh, that's a pretty strong message. Is there someone, uh, a name, you're writing it for?"

"Yeah," he replied shortly, adjusting his tie. He practically growled. "Okay, y'know the name, Reynolds? Instead of that, you can do Reynolds the Worst."

I couldn't help but chuckle at the fact that there was still a casually placed grin on his lips. How could he be so angry but still have a smile? A cute one at that. Shit! No, no no. None of those thoughts, I wasn't going to be unfaithful. It wasn't fair. 

"Okay, so that's going to be- orange lilies for pure hatred." The man grinned, pleased. "Geraniums for stupidity, meadowsweet for uselessness, and here-" I picked a deep purple flower from my small group, adding it to the flush of orange, pink and white- "petunias for resentment."

"Wow. Damn pretty boy!" He smiled wide, pulling out his wallet as my face warmed. Oh shit. "You're destroyin' that old stereotype, either having smarts or looks. You got both!"

He looked so casual- looked so normal as he overpaid me for a bunch of flowers. Was he being nice, or flirting with me? Either way- I mean- he was probably being nice- it was simple. Nothing more. I murmured out a small 'thank you,' holding in a compliment back to him. But I had to admit it, it was weird getting so much affection, simple attention even. 

"Um, are you a lawyer?" I asked meekly, my eyes flickering to his briefcase and his signature scowl. Despite already buying his flowers, he still lingered around the store, inhaling various types of flowers, that same grin on his face. 

"Oh, hm? Yeah!" The man's dark eyes lit up proudly, pleasure sweeping onto his features. "Have a case for me? I swear I got into the business for the gossip."

I smiled again, and damn. When did I smile so often? Never at home at least- but anyway, the shop was always fun. Get to hear life stories like his, hopefully.

"Erm- I should keep a case on me if a lawyer visits I suppose," I laughed, my eyes staying on the ground. "Uh, are the flowers for another lawyer guy?"

He chuckled, running a hand through his wild curls. And he was calling me the pretty boy? "Apparently, I didn't deserve a new case we got, and our boss put me in charge of the congrats flowers. And I'm petty of course, and now I got a new flower guy. At least something good came out of this."

Again, I felt a flush crawl up my cheeks. Shit- and this was all from one compliment? But still, it was nice, and hearing people's life stories weren't horrible. And being passed up on a promotion sucked, I remembered my days in college, darting between professors to get some cash, while this kid beat me to it.

"I'm sorry about that," I said softly, my heart feeling heavy in my chest. College- those were the days. Well, not really. They sucked, and plus I was constantly worried about paying tuition. not the best years. "I think you deserve it more than he does, he sounds like a jerk. Are you a big law firm? I'm a psychology major, law always sounded interesting. Uh- have I heard of you all?"

He grinned, smoothing out his tie methodically. "Well, we're not one for showing ads at three in the morning. We've actually gotten a few bad-egg constitutional cases, so pretty damn big." He smiled proudly, and my heart pattered in my chest. "And that's what she said."

It took me a moment- I had to admit it, I never joked around so freely, but when it hit me, I let out a snort. I mean- holy shit! Damn it, he was really cute, and nice too. When the word 'cute' passed through my mind, I cringed. Not this again, I scolded myself, giving myself a sharp pinch on the arm. I forced my laughter down, not wanting to give the wrong impression, but damn. He seemed kind!

"Alright pretty boy," he mused, leaning against the counter with his elbows as I took a startled step back. "You have the cutest laugh ever, you get my immature jokes, you're studying psychology- and I'm studying law. Ain't too different, I think I could help out and vice versa? What do you say? Wanna go out some time?"

Holy shit, holy shit. Oh my god. My face burned as I kicked myself for even considering it in the first place, I didn't know his name! He didn't know mine! It was ridiculous, no matter how much he made me laugh. And I had a boyfriend! Duh, there was no way I could accept, what was I thinking? 

"I'm-I- I have a boyfriend," I managed out after a minute of me practically gagging on my own thoughts and pinching at the skin on my arm. "Sorry."

He let out a dramatic sigh, a chuckle leaving his lips. "Got it, no worries. Good ones are always taken. And by the way, I'm Thomas Jefferson," he continued smoothly, not even flinching at the rejection. "I don't see a name tag, hm?"

"Oh!" I exclaimed, still surprised he was... Uh, still standing here? I was expecting him to storm off maybe, shout at me? "Uh, my name is James Madison. It's nice to meet you, uh, I'm sorry again."

"Hey, don't worry! It's fine, make sure that they're treating you right, okay?" I nodded, looking to the floor. "Cutie doesn't deserve anything less. Anyway, I gotta get goin' with these hatred flowers, thanks again! By the way- don't pinch yourself! That can't be good for you. See you later Jems!"

He exited the shop with a smirk and a wave, and then I basically melted into a puddle of 'Oh no, he's hot.'

I shoved my face into the couch as seven o'clock rang out into the air. I heard the door shut close, and I mentally prepared myself as my boyfriend ran his fingers over my hair, planting a kiss on the top of my head.

"Rough day?" He asked, accompanied by the sound of bags being set down and opened. "Your ears are on fire."

I took in a deep breath, not sure if I should tell him about the visit from Thomas. I moved out of my place in the cushions, the sun already out of the sky I realized. Had I spent that much time dwelling over a simply nice guy?

"Um, yeah. It was interesting, uh, how was work, Alex?" I managed out, as Alex rummaged through his papers. He had been a state senator for years now, and a new election was coming up, only piling more work on his shoulders. I never saw him actually working though, but he got the job done.

"Ugh," he snorted, taking a seat at the table. I knew I shouldn't have continued talking- he was under so much stress. He always told me that he was a different guy when he was working, and he needed to have silence. I got it, it must have been tough. "Don't get me started, I'm thinking about getting out of politics. The people I'm up against- they're horrible. I have a meeting later this week, I'll be home late around ten or so on Wednesday."

"Oh, okay," I said softly. It made sense- he had meetings all the time. He hopped out of his chair, making me jump in my seat as he kissed me on the forehead again. "Alex?"

"You're sure you're good?" He raised an eyebrow as he poked my shoulder. "Your face is red, you better not be getting sick again, it's so annoying."

He laughed as if we were exchanging a joke. I had to tell him- the main part of relationships is communication, right? I couldn't just not tell him. 

"I, uh, I was asked out today. On a date, by a guy who visited the shop. He-"

"You're considering it?" Alex snapped, his light eyes darkening as if a shade had been pulled down over them. I winced. "If you haven't realized it, we're dating. Ring a bell? We've moved in together, we both wanted to do that. Are you seriously considering it? Breaking up with me?"

"No! No, not at all," I exclaimed, pressing up against the back of the couch. "No, I just wanted to tell you, um, and I need to shower anyway, it's fine."

My boyfriend's eyes softened, and I slipped off of the couch, my heart still pounding from the sudden change of tone. "James, come here. I didn't mean to be loud, just, you're not considering talking to him again, right?"

I lingered on the first step of the stairs up to the shower. "He seemed nice, and we could just be friends. It's been forever since I've hung out with-"

"No!" Alex hissed, standing up to meet me on the stairs. "No, you don't need them. Am I not enough for you? James, come on. What're you thinking?"

"I-I mean, it would be nice to have some friends I can h-"

My head slammed into the wall, my shoulder hitting it so hard I swear something pop, the side of my eye being hit with the railing, and finally, I hit the ground. Shit- when did I sit down on the stairs? When did I-

My vision was blurry, holy shit, what had I hit? I lifted my arm up, touching my burning cheekbone as a sob rang out in the air. It wasn't my own. Why wasn't it my own?

"Oh my god- I'm so sorry baby!" Alex sobbed, gathering me up in his arms, immediately apologizing. "I'm so sorry, it was a rough day at work, and I just want you to know that you're mine, okay? I'm sorry- so sorry-"

I nodded painfully, shock being laid over me like a blanket. That didn't just happen- Alex got mad! That was it! And anyway, it was basically my fault. It's fine, completely natural.

"Baby, you're mine." Alex ran a finger over my buzzing cheek as his tears dried. "Right?"

Completely natural.

"I'm yours."

I don't know- there was something wrong. Something still wrong in the air as he mumbled apologies into my neck and my bruising cheekbone. And then even so- I couldn't get Thomas out of my mind, despite being pushed into a wall. It didn't make thinking about another guy right! I was practically cheating, I thought as I squeezed my eyes shut, Alex trailing his hands down my back. There was something wrong.

After all, when I wasn't fed love on a silver spoon, I learned to lick it off of knives.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Physical and psychological abuse  
> Please stay safe!

It was not a surprise that it was a shitty day.

Wednesday rolled around, my cheek continued to ache, and I almost fell asleep many times while studying at work. The past couple of nights, Alex had been... Rough. I hated the fact I felt a flush of relief when I realized he'd be staying at the office late, he was my boyfriend. I was supposed to enjoy his company! 

But I had to admit it, my cheek still burned with emotional and physical pain, wow! Would you look at that? It was middle school all over again. I shoved the thoughts away. I shouldn't be complaining, so many people have it worse, I was lucky to have Alex. 

The clock pushed towards five o'clock, and I rested my head on my psychology book. Masters in psychology here I come, no matter how much I had to study. The smell of the flowers had become almost nauseating, the sweet turning sickly. I rubbed my eyes as I nestled into my book. It'd be fine if I took a quick nap, right? My boyfriend rarely let me sleep- no matter how much I wanted to. But it was fine. Just a little sleep- no one would know.

Not even five minutes into my nap, I was woken up by a pretty, curly-headed man.

"Hey, James! Sleepin' on the job, eh?" Thomas grinned, breathing in deeply as he stepped inside. "Thought I'd stop by- I need to check in on my flower guy anyway."

I snorted, lifting my head and winced. My cheek was still so tender- it wasn't quite a black eye, but it continued to darken around my brow. 

"Shit! James, what happened to you?" He grimaced worriedly, leaning against the counter, studying the wound. It wasn't that bad. "That doesn't look good."

"No, no," I mumbled, a painful sweep of happiness that he noticed. Again, what the hell was wrong with me? "I fell, it's alright Thomas."

His name felt good on my tongue, and I couldn't help my smile. "Still," he continued, a concerned smirk on his lips, "please get some ice on that, James. Looks like it hurts."

Again, there was that weird happiness feeling from his words. I pushed away the thought, rubbing at my eyes. "Thank you Thomas- I'll get some when I get home." He nodded, grinning. "What can I do for you? How'd it go with Reynolds?"

"You remembered! No one ever does!" He exclaimed excitedly, tapping on the desk with his fingers. "Apparently, I rub some people the wrong way."

I snorted, a giggle spilling out of my lips. "I wonder how that happens."

I recoiled. Alex always told me that I had a bad attitude- that was the thing that was driving others away. I never meant to do it! Sarcasm and teasing and immature jokes came naturally to me, Alex was never a fan. 

Thomas' handsome features lit up as he laughed. "Pretty boy has some snark! Wow! No need to apologize, that was great. That's why you're my flower guy!"

My face felt hot as I chuckled, realizing I wasn't in trouble or anything. Damn it! He was honestly... Adorable. Like an enthusiastic puppy. Wait- hell no. I hardly knew the guy! I couldn't be developing a silly crush when I had a great boyfriend. But it would be nice to be able to hang out with some friends.

"Uh- um! Do you want to exchange numbers... Maybe? We could be friends?" I asked hopefully, my heart dropping before I even heard the response. Alex wouldn't like that- but he said he wanted the best for me.

"Yeah!" Thomas grinned, tugging out an expensive phone. He was a lawyer after all! "Of course James, do I have permission to text or call you at night or is your boyfriend gonna say somethin'? Don't wanna start trouble, no matter how much I want to."

My lips parted in surprise. He just met me, and he agreed to be my friend, and asked what was okay? Damn. "O-Oh, no worries. I'll keep my phone on silent, um, is it okay while I text you at work? Uh, it doesn't get too interesting around here."

"Yeah, no prob!" He grinned, handing me his phone and I tapped my number into it. I smiled to myself- there was a picture of a dog as his home screen. Cute. "Let me know if you have a case for me, I'll totally do it for free. Well-"

"Can't take it back!" I exclaimed, my voice breaking into the air with a laugh I didn't even recognize. "You said it- can't take it back."

He seemed as surprised as I was with my sudden burst of energy, but grinned nonetheless. "Why are you so cute James? Oh, shit- wait. Don't tell your boyfriend I said that, that was thing friends say, totally."

"Mhm," I hummed teasingly, his words striking a chord in my mind. It was an effort to let myself relax to the point of banter- but with Thomas, it came naturally. It must've been because... Because we were friends- right? But just saying it didn't mean anything. I frowned, taking a step back after I realized I was getting too hyper.

"Hm? Wait a second- I saw that James. What was that frown?" He tilted his head in concern, worry flickering in his eyes. His focus followed along the purple bruise on my cheekbone, but I shook my head before he could put anything together.

"No, n-no. It's nothing, I'm sorry. Just thinking." I forced out the lame excuse, avoiding his warm gaze. Shit. I wasn't used to talking so much, what did friends talk about? Shit- Alex preferred the silence, but sometimes, noise wasn't so bad.

"Wanna get some coffee, James?" He asked as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

"Y-Yeah!" I exclaimed, probably a little too excited. It was just odd- having so much freedom with my words, I wasn't ever going to get used to it. "Um, I can close up- are you sure it won't be an inconvenience or-"

"No, no, no. Not at all pretty boy, plus, I'm cravin' some coffee! And I get to see your coffee order, even though it is five pm." I chuckled at his words, glancing towards the clock. I had five hours before Alex got home- he couldn't know about Thomas. "Ready to head out?"

"Oh yeah! One sec, um, let me just flip the sign," I managed, locking the door as we stepped out into the breezy street. I couldn't help but look at him in the evening light, the sun defining the individual curls. Hell, he was so pretty! He stuck his tongue out at me, a cocky smirk dancing on his lips.

"Lookin' at my hair Jems?" I let out a laugh, shrugging as I tried to hide the flush on my cheeks. "I've been growin' it out since I was eight, you like it?"

I nodded and suddenly felt a warm hand settle on the top of my head. Oh shit. I never knew how to react when people touched me, so I basically freaked. I exclaimed softly, but he pat the top of my head before tucking his hand back into his pocket. Cute, pretty, holy shit. So cute. 

"Man, you look cold. Are you okay? Your cheeks are red," he said, raising an eyebrow. "I'm wearing like five layers, do you need my coat?"

Actually- another coat would be amazing. A shiver made its way up my spine, as I tried to shake my head. Were friends always so... Nice to each other? I had a feeling that Thomas was pretty affectionate in general, but I hadn't felt anything like this in a while. Plus, I was still reeling from being pat. 

But I felt warmth settle around my shoulders as he- without hesitating- slung his coat around me, and the buttoning up the top so it wouldn't slip off of me. Alright, this was like the head pat thing multiplied by a hundred, and his coat smelled vaguely like cologne and cinnamon. It was difficult not to burrow into it, and he flashed me a smile as he continued chatting as nothing happened.

"Okay, I'm gonna guess." His words hardly reached my ears- I was busy snuggling into the coat. "Were you the middle child? I mean it's that, or you were sorta on the oldest side. I was a younger sibling, and I was damn insane."

"I bet you were," I mused softly, grinning. "Close though, I-I was the oldest sibling. Of twelve."

"You were not!" Thomas exclaimed, actual awe passing over his features as I nodded. "Twelve- hot damn! I wasn't expecting that, my new goal is to give you all the attention you might not have got when you were a kid. I'm sure your boyfriend is givin' you some of it, but still- I'll make sure you're well cared for!"

Heat flushed over my features. Again- he was so nice! "Awh," I murmured, grinning. "How many siblings do you have?"

"Ten- but I was the hell-raiser of them all. I was insane! I'd climb trees in the woods, I loved the forest, and throw rocks at things I shouldn't throw rocks at. But my parents were pretty intense on me to get a high paying job so-" he shrugged, hidden sadness pulling at his features, but it was gone it a moment. "Now here I am! At least somethin' good came out of this job."

He nudged me with a wink as we made it to the coffee shop, and I smiled shyly, tugging the jacket around me tighter. "What do you really want to do? Um, career-wise?"

His lips parted in surprise as he opened the door for me. "Oh, um. I've actually always wanted to work in foreign affairs. Going abroad would be... Amazing, to say the least. I took French through high school, I've got a cousin who's there. So France would be beautiful, and their wine is great. Have you ever had a chocolate croissant?"

A laugh escaped my lips at his words, my heart thumping in my chest. He seemed so sure of himself, but there are things that even he hides. I hated the idea of Thomas not being alright with himself, no one deserved that. My hand instinctively reached towards my arm to pinch at the skin, but Thomas' coat blocked the damage.

Straight out- I didn't like myself. But Alex loved me so much, he told me every night. But sometimes- no. Alex loved me. And I'm sure he was simply being protective, and maybe I could introduce them later. I didn't want Alex to freak out or anything like that. 

I had a friend now, Alex always told me he wanted what's best for me. It'd work out, I told myself.

Despite the fact that it never did.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extreme trigger warning!  
> Detailed description of physical, psychological and sexual abuse  
> Please stay safe!

I don't know why I even believed it'd work out in the first place.

Thomas dropped me off at my house a little after eight, two hours before my boyfriend got home. He gave me the sweetest smile- it was still lingering in my mind weeks later. It was cute, I had to admit it! And holy shit, no matter how much I scrubbed at my skin, I smelled vaguely like Thomas' nice cologne and cinnamon. 

We had gotten two coffees, my soy milk latte- the first thing I saw on the menu- and Thomas got a espresso, two shots of caramel and a sprinkle of cinnamon. That's where the smell came from! I could basically see the caffeine hit as he let out an exclaim of surprise when he saw our desserts arrive. And weirdly enough- today was my first day I really enjoyed a chocolate croissant. They usually tasted so bland, but with Thomas it was actually pretty tasty. But as the clock ticked down until nine, and then ten, I felt horrible.

I felt so uncontrollably guilty, tears welling up in my eyes as I realised that I was being unfaithful. Alex told me not to do it! And I did it regardless, I didn't even think about his feelings. I was just... Terrible.

But when ten o'clock arrived, Alex appeared, kissing me briefly on the head and then disappearing up the stairs to get a shower. His phone was buzzing off the hook while he was away, but I was frozen on the couch. He didn't realise it? I was so horrible, wasn't I? 

Even as night came, he didn't say a word about it. My cheek was still healing from when Alex got a bit mad, but I didn't blame him for it. He was stressed- that was it. I squeezed my eyes shut, and bit my lip the entire night- as usual- and once it was over, Alex didn't notice that I was trembling with guilt, even as he fell asleep into my back. 

And the worst part of it all?

I went along with Thomas again. And again. And I enjoyed it. Every Wednesday night, we had a standing appointment to get coffee at five pm, no matter what. And so far, I had seen Thomas in a ridiculously adorable rainbow striped tie, and in a full on tux. I liked him both ways- whatever he was comfortable with.

And just because I saw him every Wednesday, and whenever he stopped by, doesn't mean we didn't talk outside of that. I hated myself for it- for texting him at midnight with fresh nail marks down my back, tears in my eyes and Alex asleep next to me. I didn't tell him about Alex, and I didn't tell Alex about him. And for some stupid reason, I thought it would work out.

"Man, does it smell like updog out here, or is it just me?"

I raised my eyebrows, glancing at Thomas who had one hand on the wheel and the other wrapped around his coffee. "Er- what's updog?"

"Nothin' much, what's up with you?" 

I let out a loud laugh, nudging him as I almost spilled my coffee in surprise. And it was ten minutes until nine, so I could have a chance to shower, but I didn't want to leave just yet. "I can't believe I fell for that, I swear I'm gonna get you back."

"Good luck," he teased, sticking his tongue out at me. My heart was a traitor- and pounding so damn fast. "My years of lawyer-ness have taught me a lot. And man, you should see the stuff I steal from there. I've taken probably over a thousand pencils, a electric pencil sharpener too, bunch of folders, this pretty painting I saw in an empty office-"

"The cops are going to come to me first if they ever catch you." I snorted, rolling my eyes as I took a sip of my coffee. "I've actually taken quite a few flowers, bouquets and all. I-" I lowered my voice as we broke into childish giggles- "I planted them in the backyard."

"You are so damn wholesome!" He laughed, elbowing me. "I can't believe pretty boy is a thief, he's stealing the world's supply of flowers. Better watch out."

"You better," I chimed in, grinning. I felt the car slow, as my heart sank sadly. I was back already. "That was quick."

"Aww, gonna miss me?" He chuckled, running his fingers through his unruly hair. He always said the words as if they weren't true, I was pretty sure I was being insanely obvious. "Maybe I can see your stash-" he lowered his voice, grinning- "of flowers."

Another smile tugged at my lips as I stepped out onto the pavement, nodding. "Um, I'll see you again soon?"

"Course, pretty!" He exclaimed, slipping his sunglasses back on despite the fact it was dark out. "See you soon!"

I smiled, waving at him through the window as I shut the door, my phone buzzing suddenly. I raised an eyebrow. Maybe from Alex? I tugged it out, to find that Thomas had already sent me a text.

macNcheeseman: I see you 

macNcheeseman: told you I'd see you soon ;)

I laughed warmly, giving him a look through the window as he tossed me a smile and began to drive away. Goddamn, what a cutie. I was practically giddy from being near Thomas, it was like he could never be sad! But still, the look in his eyes when he talked about the pressure he got from his parents... I didn't like that look.

I shook off the thoughts- I needed to get to the shower and get ready, Alex would be home soon. I unlocked the door, taking another sip of coffee. Another late night I was guessing-

"You're late."

My blood ran cold.

Alex voice rang out in the silence, nothing but a single lamp illuminating him and his work. Oh god- oh god. A flash a terror hit me as I took a trembling step toward him, ready with a lie, ready to protect Thomas.

“Y’know when seven o’clock rolled around, I got home,” he began, narrowing his eyes as I felt a wild sob lodge in my throat. “And you weren’t here. And then by eight, I was worried. I thought to myself, ‘I’ve given him all the love he needs, but I wasn’t there to protect him.’ But when I saw you talking to a stranger, a guy, in his car as you drove through the neighborhood, I realized I had known all along.”

“Alex, i-it’s not what it looks like,” I whispered, my boyfriend taking slow steps towards me. “He’s just a friend, um, I had to stay late today. I was studying and the buses weren’t running and-“

“Save it!” He scowled, guilt twisting in my stomach. “Wait a second. He’s the guy who asked you out, isn’t he?”

A terrifying moment went by, and he continued. “I’ll take your silence as a yes. James- I love you, and I specifically told you I didn’t want you to see him again! And what did you do?”

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed, giving myself a sharp pinch. Wake up, if this was a nightmare, please wake up. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“And now you’re lying to me, you stupid-“ he bit his lip, shaking his head. “You know what someone like him does to people like you? He will use you, he’ll break your mind and make you think that you are a good person, and then take your heart. You’re lucky that I’m here.”

I nodded frantically, hot tears streaming down my cheeks. He was right, he was always right. He took a step, and he was standing in front of me. He snaked an arm around the back of my neck, oh god, please no, forced my head down and his knee colliding with my face.

I let out a violent cry, stumbling back while clutching my bleeding nose, my back hitting the door. No, no, please, I tried to say, but my tongue felt heavy in my numb mouth. I squinted through the tears to see Alex’s angry face, searching for some sort of remorse, anything saying that this was over! But his blue eyes seemed dark under the shadows of room, and I knew it wasn’t over. 

He gave my shirt a sharp tug towards him with his free hand, the other still resting on my neck as I began to sob harder. I knew what he was going to do- no, please. He leaned down slightly, and gave my collarbone a bite. 

I gasped out a strangled wail as pain shot through me. He knew I hated this, knew this was one of the things I couldn’t stand. I deserve this, I thought to myself, squeezing my eyes shut. Every second of it.

My nose continued to bleed, blood slithering down my face but Alex didn’t seem to care. By the time he pulled away, a satisfied smile on his lips, my neck was littered with bruises and burning teeth marks. I slid down the wall, broken apologies leaving my lips. 

Alex sat down next to me, resting his hand on my knee. I let my eyes flutter shut with a soft sigh, my heart slowing as the blood from my nose clotted too. It was over, I thought to myself, and I still felt guilty. Had I really cheated on him? He said he wanted the best for me...

“You’ll stay home tomorrow with me, James?” He asked after a moment of silence, leaning his head on my shoulder. “Sorry if it hurt babe, I just had a rough day at work.”

“It’s okay,” I murmured out, wiping my bloody nose with my sleeve. Numbness and exhaustion was laid over me like a blanket, just like whenever things like this happened. The day off would do us both good. And I supposed the peace had to end at some time, we had little spats like this occasionally. Couples fight- it happens.

“Here,” he grunted, standing up and offering me his hand. “Let’s get you cleaned up. We’ve got an entire day ahead of us, don’t leave me hanging.”

I smiled weakly at his joke, and slipped my hand into his.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning!  
> Mental, physical and implied sexual abuse  
> Stay Saale!

It was a loud morning.

I mean- it wasn't that bad. Damn, saying that it was 'loud' did not sound good. I slipped out of bed around seven in the morning, my entire body aching painfully. My neck, chest- and nose too- was scarred with bruises, Alex didn't see anything wrong with it. It didn't hurt that badly! Shit, I was being dramatic again.

I nursed my coffee as I stared out the window, the sun glowing over the land. My heart had been beating unsteadily ever since- er, ever since the night before. My phone had been buzzing off the hook, mostly from texts from Thomas, but this time, I was going to listen to Alex. He deserved it. Still, I couldn't help but stare at the silly jokes he sent me over the phone, guilt hitting me like a ton of bricks.

"Hey babe," Alex murmured, slipping his arms around my waist. The clock had just struck eight, I was glad that he's was getting some sleep at least. Jeez, had I been standing here for an hour? "How'd you sleep?"

"Mm, fine," I said softly, being careful not to shake Alex up too much. I was up late, it was probably the coffee kept me up. "How 'bout you?"

He sighed, pulling away from me as he made himself a cup of coffee. "Actually, pretty decent. But we need to have a talk. Don't worry about it, we can do it later. I need to wake up anyway, but just remind me if I don't remember."

"Oh!" I exclaimed, my heart thudding to a stop in my chest. A 'talk?' Was he going to break up with me? Panic slipped into my mind, no, no no. I was not about to wait for this- shit. I'd be terrified all morning! "Um, we can do it whenever you'd like?"

He nodded cheerfully, leaving me to my thoughts as I got dressed on my own. I hopped up the stairs, my mind vicious. Shit, he was going to break up with me! After yesterday, he must have realized how utterly horrible I was. God, I was such an idiot.

My phone buzzed, and I glanced down, my shirt in the other hand. I glanced towards the door. What if Alex walked in? It's not like he'd be angry if I used my phone, but still. I didn't want to keep lying to him like this. I completely deserved what happened yesterday, especially with how flirty I was being with Thomas, who did I think I was? I tossed my phone to the side, desperately not trying to go sprinting into my new messages.

I finished getting dressed, worried that if I showed too much skin, people would get suspicious if we went out today. He did say a 'day in' though... Regardless, I pulled the blanket around my shoulders, just in case. What would Thomas think of this? My heart sank at the thought of my friend.

Nope, hell no. The word of my boyfriend absolutely overruled a nice guy I just met a few weeks ago. What was wrong with me? I shrugged off the thought, slipping back downstairs. Now, I had to face Alex. I had to, we apparently were going to have a talk- shit. My heart thundered in my chest at the thought.

I padded through the kitchen, Alex chugging his third cup. Ah, maybe it would be a busy day today, hah! I managed a small chuckle, stepping next to my boyfriend as I tugged nervously on his shirt.

"Um, the talk?" I asked quietly, my hands already shaking. 

He snorted into his coffee, running his hand through his unwashed hair. He was still great, of course! "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist it, alright. Come 'ere, let's sit down."

I nodded, my heart pounding. Shit! Why did this always affect me so damn much? I took a seat on the couch, leaning on him as he grinned.

"Okay- James. We seriously needed to talk, I'm just hella paranoid." Damn, he just jumped right into it! But I scooted closer, listening intently. "Shit, okay, this is gonna sound weird, but I'm so sure you'll cheat on me. Seriously, when you started hanging out with that guy, I lost it. Okay?"

I nodded, tapping my foot nervously against the ground. I wouldn't ever cheat on him, I loved Alexander! "I wouldn't cheat-"

"I know," he said briefly, cutting me off. "Who would you do it with anyway? Still, I just wanted to make sure you're not telling anyone about- y'know. When things happen, and James, I can't control it. You know I can't, I'm still sorry about it if you're sore."

I nodded along. This talk wasn't so bad, I guess. And I knew he couldn't control getting upset, everyone did. I just... Tried to hide it more, I didn't want to take the focus off of Alexander. He had a lot of trauma, and I wanted to be there for him.

"But, um, this is gonna sound weird. And especially 'cause I'm saying it, but I think I'm going to propose to you. I know, it's weird telling you that, but we're living together, I mean, it's gotta happen sometime."

Tears pricked in my eyes, in my eyes as I grinned, throwing my arms around him. Holy shit! I was gonna get married to this guy? He laughed, pulling me off of him as he rolled his eyes.

"I know you're excited, but still, not for a while," he said, but I was still insanely excited! I was getting married! Soon, hopefully! All of my thoughts of Thomas were shoved out of my head, I was going to get married, probably no time soon, but still! I'd get a ring and everything, but I didn't care about that!

"I said not for a while! Don't get that excited!" He scolded, snorting. He slipped off of the couch, giving me a small wave. "Anyway, I need to get dressed. It's weird working without anything professional on."

"Oh, um. Work?" I asked softly, my excitement wearing off.

He sighed, shrugging apologetically. "Sorry- um, I'm double booked for a meeting. Gotta get to work, I know you wanted a day in, but sorry. Um, there's an art festival going on downtown if you wanna go, or you can stay, I don't really care."

"Oh, it's fine. I, uh, hope that you'll be back soon?" I murmured hopefully, my hands shaking again. 

He shrugged, already slipping on a tie and running his hand through his hair. He always kept a coat and a tie on the coat rack, just in case. I was getting upset again, I knew it, I could feel an annoying cry itching at my throat. I was a huge crybaby, and insanely sensitive too! Why the hell was I liked this?

He pressed a swift kiss to the top of my forehead before disappearing out the door, and I crossed my fingers that he couldn't tell I was hurt from it. I mean, I always could go to that art thing, it would help keep my mind off things. And my burning nose- ever since last night it had been pulsing with pain and then bruising a dark purple.

I stood up, a loud sigh leaving my lips. I don't know, I just wanted to spend some time with my boyfriend, fiancé soon maybe? And he was a state senator, so I guessed I shouldn't be complaining. He was always texting another guy he works with, and I knew they were simply coworkers! Why was I always so jealous?

I pulled a scarf around my neck to hide the bruises on my chest. Alexander was upset, that's all! Plus, it's not like I was going to see anyone I know at this thing, I didn't need any makeup or anything on my bruising nose. It was alright! Just a relaxing day, that's all.

And of course, I am getting married! Ha! Take that universe! I stepped out of the house, the cold air whipping my scarf around- thank god I didn't have long hair. 

By the time I got to the art festival, or whatever Alex had called it, it was packed. And I was pretty sure I'd be leaving within ten minutes, I wasn't exactly a people-person, y'know. But then I saw a familiar fluff of hair prancing cheerfully through the crowd, tugging a dark-haired girl behind him.

And I hated the fact that seeing him made my heart skip a beat like never before.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning!  
> Mental abuse, and domestic abuse  
> Stay safe!

I don't know what scared me more- the fact that he made me grin, just by seeing him, or the fact that my bruises hadn't been covered. 

I ducked into the crowd, pressing my back up against the end of a store. I covered my nose with my hand, a small chuckle leaving my lips. I had been watching way too many spy movies, and the fact that I was getting a thrill from it made me giggle. Now, when the hell did I giggle?

I stared down at the cleverly painted pieces of artwork, as if I were another guy in the town. Just a normal, causal dude. That might be getting married! I pressed my lips together to hide another smile, pulling my scarf around my neck tighter. 

But I knew that if he'd be suspicious if he saw my nose, and I would keep my scarf on, no matter what. It was fine, and Thomas and I would be able to stay friends, completely natural-

"Hey Ang, over here! Look how awesome this one is, you think I can afford it?"

I heard a familiar voice ring directly in my ears, and I couldn't help but let out an nervous but excited grin. Shit, no! I was getting married! But still, I'd like to have some friends, maybe my groomsmen? I don't know if Alex would like that, but still, maybe some people I knew in the crowd.

But nonetheless, I kept my head down. My nose was broken, I think, and it wasn't Alex's fault! But Thomas would get worried, and I didn't want that to ever happen. I felt a small bump on my shoulder, followed by a pretty voice.

"Oops, sorry man- oh hey! James!" Thomas' face lit up as I looked up to him nervously, and I couldn't help the fact that I smiled back. "Shit, I was wonderin' when I could see you again! And this is Angelica, who is here so I don't buy everything."

He gestured to a beautiful girl, who smiled nicely before returning to glancing about the art. She mumbled something in his ear, and he let out a loud laugh, and she disappeared into the crowd.

"Don't mind her, she's not in a great mood. Plus she told me to keep 'the cutie' some company, so I think you're stuck with me." My face heated up, and I forced away the urge to lean into him. Was it weird that I specifically wanted someone to cuddle me? Alex wasn't a fan of it, but I missed the heat. "Wanna go look at stuff? I can get you somethin'!"

"No, n-no, it's okay! You don't need to buy anything for me, um, it's okay," I managed out, slowly finding my voice. "Uh, I thought that thing over there was cool, if you don't mind. I uh, we don't have to-"

"No, no! Pretty boy, don't be mean to yourself, we should check it out! If you wanna see it, we're gonna go see it!" And with that, he took me- surprisingly gentle- by the hand, and marched off to see the exhibits.

I couldn't help being in awe of how smoothly the words left his lips, and whenever I showed the slightest interest in something, he'd confidentially strut over and then admit that he had no idea what it was. So that was a whole new situation of me explaining artwork to him, Thomas nodding along as if what I said mattered.

We probably spent more than three hours there, Thomas gazing longingly whenever he saw a soft pretzel. He ended up buying four- and ended up giving me one when apparently I looked starving. It had been a long time since breakfast!

And of course, at one point he shrugged off his coat, tugged it tightly around my shaking shoulders, and gave me the most pleased grin. So then, I had to pretend I wasn't a mess! And Alex's warnings were buzzing brutally in my mind, but his coat was simply so warm...

I pulled it closer around me. And it still smelled vaguely like cologne and Thomas, and I was ashamed to admit that I wasn't complaining. My nose wasn't hurting as bad anymore- but my chest was still bothering me. Either way, Thomas didn't seem to notice, the darkness of my skin hid the bruise. While Thomas had slightly more caramel skin, his was still beautiful. 

Oh man, don't get me started on racial issues based on skin tone. Psychology seriously helped me argue against any idiots who were discriminating people! All skin tones were beautiful- I wondered if Thomas ever was a lawyer for any social justice cases. That would be cool, I couldn't wait to ask him about it.

"Ooh- shit! Oh, your nose is bleeding really bad!" Thomas exclaimed, snapping me out of my reverie. I saw a shiver work it's way up his spine, and I could feel the same happen to me. "Sorry, not a fan of blood. But don't worry, here, let me get some napkins."

He briefly dashed off to a small booth, and panic had already hit me like a truck. Shit! What if he figured it out? It wasn't Alex's fault, per say, he was just upset! And I really wanted to be friends with Thomas, he made me smile and laugh, and even Alex- well, no, Alex made me laugh sometimes! 

"Come here," Thomas said gently, leading me to a bench as I held the bundle of tissues to my nose. I took a seat, my heart pounding and my face red at how close he was to me- but this could go so badly too. "Here, I can't have you getting hurt on my watch, let me see-"

"No!" I blurted out, my voice cutting through the air. Shit! No, no no. What if he though I yelled at him and he was about to hate me? My hand immediately went to my wrist, but Thomas simply tilted his head, confusion etched on his handsome features. "I'm s-sorry-"

"No, don't worry, pretty boy. Is it okay if I look at it?" He asked, his voice careful. I could tell the blood was freaking him out, his fingers were shaking and I suppressed a small smile. I had moments where I was pretty sure he wasn't real. 

I nodded, practically trembling as he reached out towards my face. He touched the bridge of my nose, and I let out a pathetic yelp as pain shot through me. Thomas jumped back, surprise and worry on his usually calm face,

"I think it's broken, James! I think you should go to the hospital, that doesn't look good at all." The blood from my nose had clotted mostly, and I tossed the napkins away quickly, shaking my head. I couldn't go to the hospital, they'd ask questions and everything! "What happened?"

"I... Fell. Hah, down the stairs and everything," I lied through my teeth, Thomas looking unconvinced. "I'm fine, don't worry- um, I can check it out later. It's not that bad."

"James," Thomas said, raising an eyebrow. "It looks really bad, do you need me to call someone? Here, maybe you can text your boyfriend?"

"No!" I cried out again, anxiety making my insides turn as we stood up together, throwing wrappers and extra napkins away. "I don't wanna concern him with all of... This. Anyway, he's b-busy. And plus, I can do it my own time anyway."

"James," he said softly, nervously glancing over my features. "Are you okay? Are you... Y'know... Safe?"

Oh, god, how desperately I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him the pain and ask him if it was normal to feel so horrible- I wanted him to explain the basics of those weird 'normal' relationships I saw on television. I wanted to be held- oddly, and specifically enough- I wanted to sleep in quiet and simply be held. And I couldn't be hurt.

But it took me so long to ever understand what I was thinking, what I was feeling- I couldn't say a thing. Only a strained whimper left my lips as I nodded, forcing my expression into a tight smile. Because that was the only thing I could do right.

"Okay, pretty boy, I trust you. Just-Just let me know if you're not okay, alright? You're a great guy, and if your boyfriend ain't treating you right, that's not what you deserve. You deserve good things- alright? Believe me?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat, nodding meekly as he gave me one last look, before reverting back to his usual self. I wanted to hug him so badly- just tell him thank you for saying that. His words were the kindest I've ever heard- when did I deserve this?

Sadness pulled at my heart. This feeling wouldn't last- it never did. But I felt a warm hand settle on the top of my head and I realised I had been frowning- so much for a PhD in psychology. I thought I would be able to control at least my facial expression! But he smiled so kindly, sticking his tongue out as he nudged me.

"We haven't had any funnel cake," he pointed out, pouting.

I swallowed harshly, rubbing my eyes- I wasn't crying but I definitely felt like it. "I- uh- I don't think they have any funnel cake at an art festival."

"Are you sure though, James? We'll never know if we don't check!" I couldn't help but laugh, following along by his side. "Okay, let's make a deal. If we can't find any funnel cake, I'll give you twenty bucks and then we'll get more soft pretzels. Deal?"

"Deal."

And that was how I ended up spending my afternoon. With Thomas, eating another soft pretzel, and I was twenty dollars richer. Forget the money, I felt richer in general!

Who knew he could change me so much- no matter how I tried to stop him?


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Mental abuse, and graphic descriptions of domestic abuse  
> Stay safe!

No doubt, Thomas made another yet habit of going out together.

I wasn’t complaining.

Thomas would text me, asking if I wanted to accompany him to a festival, to an animal adoption, even to visit the grocery store. And every single time, I followed him along, laughing as he tried to adopt a cat. He was allergic to cats! He'd message me at half-past one in the morning as I cried silently for no reason into my pillow, and I'd reply within seconds. And then I would have fun.

I hated myself for it.

Guilt ate away at me- was this how all friendships would make me feel? If so, they seriously sucked. Thomas was great about it, but I couldn't help but want to shove a goddamn tack into myself every single moment! I'd fall asleep next to Alex every night, and silent tears would slide down my cheeks, and I would let him hold me closer.

Alex had been through some shit- I couldn't make him feel lesser if I were to start complaining about my problems! But I thought it'd help to recommend a therapist, but that sounded like a bad idea when I told Alex about it. He was nervous they would judge him, send him somewhere. But I didn't know how to help, and not even my master's in psychology could help. I tried to sit him down to talk, but he simply didn't want to.

I was worried about Alex. I needed to get him help- I had to! He would wake up at four in the morning to work, tapping at his phone and would wake me up as well. He was swamped with work, at all hours of the day it seemed. Alex was getting angrier lately too, and I'd blink my eyes open to find bruises forming on my arms. 

I was forced to bundle up, but the cold was so vicious no one paid any mind to it. The flower shop was fine, and never busy as usual. Occasionally we had a few people come in, but most were spread out during the day. Nothing to report there. But Thomas still ate lunch with me, no matter how busy he was.

And weirdly enough, I had been getting nightmares. Full-on, waking up crying, heart-racing nightmares. And the nightmares were odd, just me sprinting through buildings, and no google search would give me an explanation. I had a degree in psychology! Why was it so hard for me to understand how I was feeling? 

I pulled my scarf further around myself. My nose was still prone to nosebleeds and everything, which annoyed the hell out of me! Maybe I did have a broken nose, I doubted it, but maybe I should check. 

But today was going to be an extremely important day. I was going to talk to Alex about how I had been feeling- for real! Maybe not all the way, but he did want an explanation of why I was waking up at three in the morning. And we were getting married! I grinned at the thought of it, we'd be together forever! Everything I've ever wanted- someone for myself! Which sounded pretty selfish, but, Alex was simply great. And I was determined to help him.

Relationships were about communication, right? I heard that somewhere- where was it again? Probably some soap opera I listened to while studying- yeah. That sounded right. Shit, I was babbling. I was insanely nervous, what if he got hurt?

I opened the door cautiously, peeking inside before I let out a breath of relief. I needed time to shower, all that jazz, it was best to talk to him about it over dinner. I set down my studying books and was in the shower within minutes.

'Lonelier people take longer and hotter showers,' was what I had read somewhere- and it made sense. Something to make up for the lack of affection they get in their daily lives, so I always made sure I kept my showers as short as possible. Sure, the water was blazing hot, but it was short nonetheless. Because I wasn't lonely! Maybe sometimes, but... I was never truly alone. I had Alex, right?

I dried myself off, glad that I hadn't decided to do a full wash of my hair, which took a while. I just had to get through tonight, I had to talk to Alex. No matter what! Communication! I had to do some communicating, I had to!

I heard the door open. Shit. I meant- yay? I was insanely nervous, I needed to talk to him. But what if he had a rough day at work and gets angry? It wasn't his fault- I kept being a huge idiot. I was the one upsetting him, it was my fault. I had to help!

"Hey babe," he called from downstairs, as I slipped to his side, newly dressed. He gave me a distracted kiss on the cheek, eyes glued to his phone. "How was your day?"

"It-"

"Mine was shit," he grumbled, and I frowned, taking his hand. I tugged him gently towards the table, moving him into his seat. He seemed better sitting down after all. "Apparently I have to compete for some shit, for a promotion. I'm the best person for the job, damn it! You know I am, so does my boss."

I itched with a need to tell him how I was feeling- shit. I had hyped myself up for this stupid thing for so long, I couldn't get it out of my head. I rested my hand on his arm, but he shrugged it off with a scowl. I had to admit it, that stung a little.

"You are the best person for the job," I said comfortingly, sinking into the chair next to his. "Um, can I help out at all?"

He gave me an annoyed look, growling as he set his head down on the table. "What'd you want to talk about?"

"Huh?"

"Don't be dumb. Come on, you're always getting all excited when I'm in a bad mood. 'Cause you think you can help. So, let's go. What do you want to talk about? Don't care about my feelings, of course."

He gave me a bitter scowl, and I felt myself shrink under his gaze. Was it that obvious? Was I acting that pathetic? I straightened myself, desperately trying to gather up my effort to talk to him. Communication, right? And then right after, we could talk about Alex's work, I didn't want to make him feel ignored.

"Um, no! I care, of course!" I managed out, a lump appearing in my throat. Shit. "I, uh, just wanted to talk to you about my nightmares and why I've been waking up randomly and all. 'Cause I didn't want you to worry."

He let out a sigh, propping himself up with his elbow. "Okay, come on. Let's hear it."

"Okay," I said slowly, building up the nerve to speak. "I'm- so I've been having nightmares lately. And they're getting worse and every one is me running through a city- or running through a house. Some sort of building. And lately, I haven't been feeling so great either- I mean, not horrible, but I think I should see a therapist."

I inhaled sharply, squeezing my eyes shut. I had an issue with over sharing, it seemed to be with every single person. I was always ruining everything, but maybe Alex would-

"No. Hell no. You have your fucking degree in psychology, what are you complaining about? For some reason, I'm pretty damn sure that you just want the attention. If you're actually feeling bad, it's in your head, okay? Just think positive, okay? Do something instead of bitching about it."

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I accidentally jerked away from him. He let out an exasperated sigh, tugging me closer to him. "Okay, I'm sorry. Just don't complain- you can do something about it!"

"I-I feel like I really need to talk to somebody," I whispered softly, digging my nails into my arm. "I think it'd help."

"Just talk to me! Or if you think you're so smart, just fix yourself. You know what, why don't you ever help me? You have a master's, almost a Ph.D. Are you even listening in those stupid classes-"

"They're not stupid," I mumbled meekly, trying to lift my gaze. "I've actually been looking at a lot of careers, and... I thought it'd always be cool to work with the law, I could be a psychologist for some sort of firm-"

"Dumbass," he hissed, narrowing his eyes before I took an unsteady step away from him as he raised out of his chair. He didn't mean it, he just had a rough day. "You think anyone will actually hire you? I love you, but the outside world is fucking brutal. You think a single person will care? I'm the only one who does."

Don't cry, don't cry, please don't cry- shit. Never mind. A sob wracked itself free from deep in my chest, hitting the air a little too violently. How long had it been waiting there? 

"That-that's not true," I managed out, pressing myself up against the wall- desperately wishing the Earth would swallow me out.

"Oh," he scoffed, a grin flicking onto his features. "Who do you think cares? Do you think your sisters or your parents care?" A vicious spike of pain hit me in the chest- holy shit, ouch. I let out a pathetic cry. "Do you think a single person would listen to your inane rambling all fucking day, besides me?"

I ducked, just barely missing the hand coming towards my face, scampering up the stairs before I could upset him anymore. He shouted my name, but I couldn't stop freaking out- I had to hide! I slipped inside the closet in our shared bedroom as hot tears welled in my eyes- the dark oddly comforting. 

I could hear Alex yelling, banging on the shut door as I pressed my hands to my ears, trying to block it out. He was just angry, it happened to everybody. It happened to everyone- but I couldn't help the wail that rose in my throat when the doorknob began to turn. 

I locked it, I knew that! But what if he got in? I couldn't- I hadn't been coping well with any of this, I was being such an idiot! If I had just kept my mouth shut! I fumbled for my phone, the glow of the screen buzzing softly in the dark. If I could just text him, see if he had calmed down so we could talk about this, I wanted to help him, but I was so scared-

Thomas' name lit up the top of my phone. His last message, laced with kindness, read: ‘Let me know if you ever need anything!’ Please, please, don't do this. Please don't type in a single stupid word, please don't let Thomas know. Thomas doesn't care about me. The shouting and banging got louder and I sobbed in tune with it, my fingers tapping viciously across my phone, a text just barely being sent out.

Help me.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter, but the next one will definitely make up for it! Thank you for all the support for this story so far! Thank you so much, have a lovely day<3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning!  
> Psychological abuse, and mentions of physical abuse  
> Stay safe!

Help me.

The text glowed with fear leftover from not even a half an hour ago. Since then- shit- it seemed as if too much had happened. Now, I couldn't exactly not talk about it- shit. I had texted Thomas, why did I do that? Why on earth did I do that?

But Alex's shouts had slipped into pained sobs, and I let him in. I let him sit with me in the closet as his breathing slowed, and then I led him calmly to bed, where he promptly fell asleep. Why was I so goddamn pathetic? Could I never stand up for myself? But I was relieved that Alex was asleep- and he was right! I should be helping him more instead of whining all the time about my problems. What the hell was wrong with me?

There had to be an explanation. Some sort of scientific answer that would tell me exactly what was wrong, what I needed to fix. I kept being so selfish, envious and pointless, and I had to change. I wouldn’t survive in this world if I couldn’t change, that’s what Alex always told me. He was right.

But as I sat in the living room alone with my thoughts, staring blankly out the window, a knock rang out at the door. I inhaled sharply, dashing to get the door. I couldn't let Alex wake up, he needed the sleep, of course! I glanced through the window, and my heart stopped in my chest.

Thomas. He came.

Shit, shit, shit! He actually came, oh god, I couldn't leave him out there. And I was still hellishly jittery, and Thomas was always so relaxing... Um- maybe I could just say hi. Just a few words, in and out! Real quick, wouldn’t mean anything. Say that the text was a mistake, and I got nervous from something else. Yep! That sounds right!

I unlocked the door, opening it slightly before I was engulfed by warmth.

It took me a moment, but holy shit. Thomas was hugging me tightly, his hand behind my head. Tears pricked in my eyes as I realized how damn badly I needed it, I needed this so badly- I let Thomas put his arms around me as I tried to quiet my cries into his shoulder. That one moment was enough. I would take it over everything, ever single time. I took a deep breath- and holy hell, that was the best thing ever. 

Shit, I needed to stop this. I pulled away slightly, but Thomas' hand remained on my shoulder, panicked concern on his face. His curls were messy, but he was still dressed in his lawyer outfit- his phone in his other hand. It was almost midnight! But I continued to bask in the afterglow of his hug, my god. It may have been freezing outside, but that didn’t mean a thing when I had just been hugged by the goddamn sun!

"Sorry it took so long- I fell asleep at work, ha." His words were rushed, and he searched my face for... Something? "But, hell, what happened James? Are you okay?"

"No, no," I forced out, guilt practically radiating off of me. I woke him up? Why the hell was I such a baby? Texting him when I was having little relationship things that I could easily take the blame for? "I'm sorry for waking you up- I'm fine, nothing happened, I'm-"

"You look like you've been crying," he said softly, and I closed the door behind me, stepping fully into the cool dark air.

"I'm-" I sniffed, rubbing at my eyes- "I'm alright."

He looked unconvinced, raising an eyebrow as we took a seat on the steps. He nudged me, completely playful, but his eyes said something else. "Does your boyfriend know about any of this? Do you think he could help out?"

My chest tightened at the mention of Alexander. I wasn't about go bother him with my stupid problems, but shit, I didn't know how to lie out of this one. "Erm, he's asleep right now and I don't wanna wake up him up, y'know."

He gave me a brief one-over, his gaze traveling over my face. I oddly enough didn't feel self-conscious under his view, but hell, I felt self conscious under everyone's! It was probably how late it was- I was exhausted.

I was always exhausted.

"Hey, James? Do you think you'll be free tomorrow?" I nodded, curiously scooting closer to him. "Do you think you could come into my work, er, during lunch maybe? I want to talk-" he must have noticed my sudden rigidness- "no! Don't worry! Nothin' bad, I want to talk about some private stuff. Plus, it is late, and your boyfriend is inside..."

He said the word 'boyfriend' with a hint of disgust, immediately resting a hand on my shoulder. My body betrayed me- and I leaned into it.

I nodded, feeling his gaze pry at me. "Yeah sure, no problem. Er- should I get anything ready? This gonna be graded?"

He let out a warm chuckle, running his hand through a mess of curls. "Nah, nah. Don't worry, pretty."

He pulled himself off of the concrete steps, giving me a smile I couldn't quite read. "You're leaving?" I asked, somewhat breathless from getting so excited about a simple nickname. 

"Aw, sorry James. Gotta head back to work, and you need sleep!" He exclaimed cheerfully, offering his hand to me, which I greedily took. Shit, why did this upset me so much? "Take care of yourself, alright?"

I nodded, but couldn't stop the frown from hitting my features. "You're going back to work? It's... Really late."

Pure pain flickered across his expression, but it was gone so quick, I debated whether it was ever really there. "Yeah, gotta make that dough! Don't worry, I'll be able to meet with you tomorrow, I got a half an hour. I'll text you the directions!"

He waved while turning his back, and before I knew it, I had grabbed onto his arm. "But-! You'll take care of yourself, r-right?"

His expression softened, and he pat me on the head with a smile. "How could I say no to that face? 'Course pretty boy, text me if you need anythin'."

I nodded, reluctantly letting go of his arm as we waved goodbye. He stuck his tongue out in that cute way he always had, and I could feel my heart bursting horribly in my chest. I was so disgustingly desperate for I don't know- attention? Affection? I was in a relationship! Was I terrible to the point where I needed more attention? I was such- such a whore.

I was practically keeping a book of how many insults I had for myself at this point. There were too many to count, so many bitter ones, ones made out of envy, shock and regret. I’d been called some, thought of others. But still, when had I become so messed up?

So disgustingly pointless. Like something that was once worth paying attention, now was nothing more than dirt. I was so utterly pathetic. 

I squeezed viciously at my arms, slipping back inside before I got in that car with Thomas and stayed there instead. Why couldn't I be happy with what I had? I climbed into bed with Alex, who was snoring softly as I fell into the sheets. Tears should've been falling down my cheeks- but I was still basking in the warmth that Thomas always gave me. Damn, I wasn't getting any better at 'not being such a slut' thing.

Fantastic. And there's another insult that I can add to the book.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Psychological and mentions of physical abuse   
> Stay safe!

Was it bad that I showed up- right on time, dare I say, early?

Again, an absolute slut.

I felt my shiver while waiting in the lavish lobby of his law firm. It was such a nasty word. Nobody deserved to be called that, or anything like it! I rubbed at my scratched and sore wrists. I deserved it- I was practically nobody after all.

I felt horribly out of place in the soft, velvety chair that was practically hugging me. It was silly, but it was so squishy I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. I mean, I did take extra time scrubbing myself clean this morning, but I still felt so dirty. I shivered, tugging my coat tighter around myself. And after all, I couldn't ignore the fact that I felt as if I'd burst into tears at any moment. 

The doors opened after a kind secretary promised that I'd see Thomas soon, and there he was. Damn, that was pretty quick. He was talking into an earpiece, scowling as he flipped through documents. Shit, I was interrupting something, wasn't I?

But nonetheless, his eyes lit up when he saw me, quickly mumbling something to the person he was talking to, before walking over to greet me. He put a hand out for me, and I gratefully took it to get out of the monstrosity they called a chair.

"James! Glad you could make it, sorry for the wait in these awful chairs," he laughed, giving me an affectionate touch on the shoulder. Holy shit! I leaned into it, the lump in my throat suddenly less prominent. "Here, we can go to my office, I have more comfortable chairs."

I chuckled softly, following his lead as he chatted cheerily, his scowl completely gone from earlier. Damn, my heart was still pounding nervously, what the hell was a 'chat about private things?' I knew Thomas wasn't about to yell at me or something, but still. I was freaked.

We walked through expensive hallways and one particularly loud- as in screaming- room. Thomas waved it off. I stuck close to his side, and I could feel his eyes searching me when I flinched. I was pretty sure they wouldn’t have full-on interrogation rooms here, but wow, I wondered if Thomas had ever interrogated somebody.

He opened the door for me, obviously noticing my rigidness. Ever since last night, I had been jumpy, but I simply wanted another hug from Thomas. Whore, my mind seethed.

"Are you alright, pretty boy?" Thomas asked as I settled into a far more comfortable seat, snapping me out of my thoughts. "You look tired- up all night thinkin' about me?"

He laughed warmly at his own words, flipping through documents. Yep- I was up all night thinking about Thomas. I stared down at my scarred hands, and Thomas sat on the arm of my chair. He was so damn close to me- I couldn't help but flush.

"Okay James, I don't wanna jump right into this, but I want to work on your confidence." He laughed. "Okay, so much for keeping it subtle."

I started, my mind suddenly racing. Man, all of this probably wasn't great for my heart, but Thomas definitely helped soothe me. But I was truly not expecting that. 

"N-no, no. I'm confident," I lied through my teeth, and I felt Thomas' hands wrap around my own. "Are we going somewhere?"

We let out a chuckle at the same time, and Thomas grinned brightly. "Jinx! Anyway- here we go." He led me to his conference table, patting the top of it. "Hop up, pretty!"

Again with the nickname! Damn it! It was seriously hard to be grumpy when he was calling me 'pretty' every few minutes! "I... Er, you mean, get on the table?"

He nodded cheerily, patting it even more enthusiastically. "Come on James, I promise I'm not going to do anything bad. The door is locked, no one will see you! Plus this'll absolutely help out!"

It would help to get on the table? I couldn't help but laugh at the thought, awkwardly slipping onto the table, sitting down. I felt like a rebellious elementary schooler- sitting on the table, damn.

"Alright," Thomas said, his hand resting casually on my knee. My face warmed, he was so affectionate. And I wasn't complaining. "Now stand on it!"

He grinned, slightly evil. "Hey, hey hey!" I exclaimed, a half-smile making its way onto my face. "I saw that smirk, what're you planning?"

"Come on, trust me! And you won't fall either, it's a sturdy table!" Thomas coaxed, that glint of excitement still in his eye. "I promise, it'll help."

How could I say no to his words? I awkwardly kneeled on the table, and then slowly stood up, nervously rubbing at my arm. At least now I was taller than Thomas! That was an accomplishment.

"Okay, now!" Thomas clapped, the grin not leaving his lips like an enthusiastic little kid. "Put your hands on your hips- it's a power stance- and tell me something you like about yourself."

"Huh?" I exclaimed, giving an awkward half effort to put my hands on my hips. I felt silly standing up there, but I knew Thomas was just trying to help out. And I didn't feel self-conscious under his gaze, which was even more surprising. "Er, um- I don't know, uh, I like-"

I trailed off, ashamed. I didn't exactly like anything about myself, I had to admit it. Thomas frowned deeply, his features softening. "Okay, here. I got you, pretty boy, I'll tell you things that I like about you!"

My face burned, and he took a seat in front of me. Shit, I was not expecting any of this! I thought I was about to be interrogated, wow. 

"Well," he started, a confident smile slipping onto his face. "I'm gonna start off with your looks, but don't worry, your personality is the best. Looks ain't everything. Okay, first of all, you have the coolest lookin' eyes. And your sense of style perfectly fits you- we'll have to go shopping some time. I call you 'pretty boy' for fuck's sake! That should tell you lots.

"And I could go on forever about what I like about you on the outside, wink, but that personality you have is the good shit. You get my immature jokes- and your laughs are real. They're very cute by the way. You're super sweet. And you're just so- I don't know- you. Your personality is awesome and I love talkin' to you. You're great, inside and out. Don't ever doubt that."

"Are you flirting with me?" I forced out, plastering a smile onto my face as tears gathered in my eyes, and quickly blinking them away. My voice sounded strained and far away, just on the verge of crying, but I could easily pass it off as a cold.

I mean, holy shit.

He thought all of that was true? He liked me? I knew we were friends, and that he was the one organizing our meet-ups, but it was still a shock. I couldn't stop the desire to launch myself into his arms, and sob. He liked me. For who I was. And it wouldn’t be the worst idea either, he could probably catch me.

"Damn, that obvious?" He laughed, helping me down from the table as my face burned with emotion. Oh my goodness. "Just assume that I'm always flirting with you. But all of it's true! You gotta think of one next time I see you, alright pretty boy?"

I nodded meekly, the lump in my throat not going away. "O-Okay." And suddenly, I saw Thomas glance heavily towards the piles of documents on his desk. "Uh, do you like your job here?"

"Huh?" He startled, his usual cockiness disappearing within a second. I frowned. From what I knew of Thomas, that wasn't a good sign. "Er, it's okay. Pays a lot though."

He laughed as I took a seat in his chair- I swear I didn't know it was his chair! I mean, I should've known, it did have magenta frills after all. Cutie. Plus, I was still woozy from his damn words, they basically stunned me with their warmth. 

"Should I be concerned that you're gunning for my job?" Thomas chuckled, his eyes doing their breathtaking crinkling up at the corners thing. I could feel my heart twist in my chest.

"You think I'd make a good lawyer?" I asked playfully, poking at his various types of desk toys. Jesus! He had every single kind, even a half-eaten gummy calculator. It made sense- Thomas had a huge sweet tooth, his daily morning coffee was entirely sugar! Four shots of caramel! "I think I wouldn't use as many toys."

"They're not toys!" Thomas protested, raising an eyebrow. He sat down on the top of his desk, a small giggle leaving his lips. "They're stress relievers!"

"Gummy calculator?" I asked, sticking my tongue out at him as I glanced across his desk. "You're kidding. You have a gummy stapler?"

"Third one in a week!" He grinned proudly, and I flushed at how overjoyed I was from his smile. It... His smile was a wonderful one. 

"How do you stay so fit? My god, you look like Superman. Maybe I should start eating gummy calculators..."

He laughed warmly, and I felt my cheeks warm at the words I hadn't realized let slip out. I mean, Superman was hot. "Thanks, but you're already good. Great size and everythin'. But if you ever wanna come with on my daily visits to the gym, or run with me if I don't sleep here at work-"

"You sleep at work!" I exclaimed, raising my eyebrows. How long was he here? Was he ever able to get good rest? I hoped he was alright. I made a note to talk to him about working less, wow. 

"Just once or twice a week, that couch over there-" he gestured to his huge silk couch- "folds out. And the gym is close by! Wait, wait wait. Let me show you my muscles!"

I let out a bark of a laugh. He was... So him. He immediately shrugged off his jacket, unbuttoning his shirt as my laughter filled the air. And then he actually did it. He full-on, stood there, half-naked and flexed his muscles. The most Thomas thing he could do. And they were pretty damn nice, I wasn’t about to tell him to put his shirt on, per say.

Was I thinking about touching his bicep? Maybe.

We were practically howling with laughter- I couldn’t believe no one heard us. As our giggles subsided, Thomas looked at his watch and then swore. Very loudly. 

“Damn, I’ve got five minutes, and I didn’t even get the chance to talk to you about the private stuff.” Damn it, I had forgotten all about it. “Sorry about this James, I’ll be quick and I’m half-dressed. Also- that’s what she said.”

A ghost of a smile kept touching my lips, god, he was so cute. So beautiful! And so kind too. I settled down in the chair as Thomas leaned against the desk, only his button-down on. Hell, how was he allowed to exist so prettily? But his face softened, getting that pained look he got whenever he was about to say something upsetting.

I could feel the lump in my throat return.

“James-“ he let out a soft sigh, his eyes sweeping around the room- “I’m worried about you. I’m sorry this is so sudden, I just really am worried. And from what I’ve seen- I think you’re being- I- abused.”

My heart stopped. 

“And James, I understand if you don’t want to talk to me about it, but I think you should talk to somebody about it. You look so sad whenever you think you’re alone. Pretty boy, I’m really worried about you, you gotta talk to somebody.”

I unsteadily stood up from the chair, tears gathering in my eyes and backing away. No, no no. I- How had Thomas thought of this? It was a mistake! He was worried for the wrong reasons, there was no reason to be concerned! And he- I couldn’t get any words out as I dug my nails into my arm- and he couldn’t know about Alex. Alex was human, he made mistakes sometimes, it was fine! I was fine! Why wouldn’t he believe me?

I wanted to go back to five minutes ago, I wanted to bask in his warm laughter and I didn’t want to look at his pained face, and I didn’t want to accept the fact that I was the one who caused it. I couldn’t.

“N-No,” I tried, my voice shaking violently. “No reason to be worried, I’m not being a-abused! I’m fine!”

“James,” Thomas said, his eyes widening at my hysteria. I couldn’t say anything, I had to walk away. “Please, we should talk about this. And you know it’s serious, cause I’m saying ‘please.’”

“Thomas, it’s fine!” I exclaimed, backing towards the door as hot tears threatened to spill down my face. When had things gone so bad? Oh god, please. Please don’t leave me, please don’t hate me. I’m so sorry. “I should go.”

“James-“

“I said it’s fine!”

I slammed the door of his office shut, not daring to look back at Thomas because I was so scared I’d go back to him. I wasn’t being abused, I loved Alex. Alex loved me. I wanted to have friends, but Thomas was trying to convince me of things that weren’t true! Alex loved me!

But I was so scared, so damn scared, as I hid and rushed down the streets of the bustling city, the city that was suddenly too noisy because I was alone. I never liked to be alone. 

And I was so goddamn scared that Thomas was right.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING (please read)!  
> This chapter has graphic descriptions of violence, primarily of self-harm, if you don’t feel comfortable reading this, please stay safe- your well-being is extremely important!  
> If you need someone to talk to, I’m always here, and if you need I can message various hotlines for more support.  
> Love you all, stay safe!  
> <3

Perhaps it wasn't all that bad.

Oh, wait- except it was.

I couldn't tell a single soul about what I've heard- I couldn't! If I told Alex, he would know I had been being a slut again and sneaking off with Thomas- and he would never ever abuse me, by the way! Never. But my mind kept flicking back to it and questioned the impossible.

And it's not like I had anybody else I could talk to. I hadn't been in touch with my friends for forever, same with my family. Alex was probably right about them anyway, I was the eldest child, so I was pretty much overlooked my entire life. They didn't care about me. The only person who cared besides Alex was... Thomas. 

Was it awful that the second I left, I was thinking about how I'd apologize to Thomas?

I shouldn't have shouted at Thomas, I knew that. I wasn't being abused, of course, but if I wanted to talk about something like that, I would wanna start the conversation! Shit. As the words flickered across my mind, I realized I would much rather have someone else start it. I was useless, I had a huge issue with relying on others! So what good was I if I couldn't fend for myself?

I fought back tears as I called the sweet old lady who owned the flower shop, lying as I said that I was sick. She knew about my shitty immune system, so it wasn't exactly a lie. But she knew I wouldn't work there forever, I had only been there for a few months as school wrapped up, but I would feel awful leaving her, no matter how many employees she had.

I tugged my blanket up to my chin as I curled into the couch, biting back a desperate wail. It was only two in the afternoon, and I wanted to go to bed. Useless! I was such a terrible, awful person, and I should-

Something caught my attention.

The faintest shimmer of light bouncing off of a knife, lying unused from dinner the night before.

I hadn't thought about that.

Within minutes, I was raiding the bathroom cabinets. Bandages, I needed bandages before I could start anything. I wasn't going to let anyone know, I wasn't going to be a stupid child, I would bite my tongue. Not a single word. 

I set all the cleaning things neatly on the sink edge, packets of bandages and hydrogen peroxide. But this all depended on if I could find-

I felt my hand curve around the razor.

It had been so long since I had reached for it.

How many years had it been? Eight? Was I seriously considering this? But the tears had stopped, so something had to be going right. And come on! I had to prove I was a man! I was a person, I could be in control, I could do this. I had to be. This was a trial, I had to do this! I was in control!

Control. It's what I wanted. Right?

Right.

I grabbed the top of the razor, I had to get the blades out somehow. I gave it a vicious tug, trying to crack it, maybe I could get around it! Maybe if I snapped it in half or something like that, I could do that, right? 

I felt a sudden crack under my hand, and I glanced at it briefly, a sudden rush of terror. Had I actually done it?

I let out a scream. I actually screamed- pure, terror-filled rage. 

I had only snapped the stupid neck of it, with my stupid hands because I was ruining everything. I couldn't do this, why the hell was I doing this? I could hear my phone buzzing from downstairs. There were places I should be, instead of whining about my own problems.

I pushed all the bandages back into the cabinet, wrapping the razor up in tissues to hide it as I threw it into the trash can. God, wasn't that pathetic? What would Alex say? So many wonderful people out there were going through this too, but they had real problems! Mine were stupid, I was so weak.

I padded back downstairs, guilt weighing heavy on my shoulders. What was I thinking? I almost hurt myself out of pure desire, because all I wanted was control. I had control, I was getting a degree in psychology, I was living a great life. Thomas was so kind, I hoped he was alright now, I needed to text him and apologize. 

But then I saw the knife on the counter, then it all happened too fast.

Because so suddenly my hands were around the knife and I kept squeezing, and I couldn't stop because I knew that if I did I'd be alone with myself, and that was the worst thing that could happen. And teardrops spilled painfully my face as I forced my fingers onto the blade, mixing with the blood messing with the crisp white tiles. I always had to be messing something up after all.

"Oh m-my god," I cried as I finally tugged the knife free out of my own grasp, throwing it to the ground. "Oh god."

My fingers had a vicious line cut clean through the skin, red pouring over my hands, sobs leaving my lips. When did this happen? When did I become so angry? Oh god- my fingers were practically in tatters, why had I squeezed so hard? Still, I couldn't help but want to pick it up again. It's what I deserved.

I sat on the floor, squeezing my eyes shut as I begged it to go away, I needed all of this to go away. I couldn't stand it. I ruined everything, and why the hell on my hands? Everyone would see it- how would I explain to Alex? My dear Alex. Or the sweet old lady at the flower shop? Or Thomas?

God no, Thomas. I was so sorry, but I knew he wouldn't forgive me. I couldn't help this, because there was something wrong with me, and I couldn't deal with it. I didn't know how to cope- and now my sweatshirt was stained with blood.

And the only thing I did? I let out a small laugh.

God, I was being hysterical. It was going to be okay, no matter how deep the wounds were, and I most likely needed stitches. Goddamnit. I was fine. And at least for once I was in control! I could make some excuse, no one had to know about this. I wasn't a child anymore, I didn't need anything besides myself. I would stop relying on others so much, and maybe, finally, I could be happy.

Nonetheless, I felt so... Off. I felt as if I'd cry at any moment, but I was also much lighter, no matter how badly my hands were stinging, and no matter how much blood was on the floor. It was fine. I was fine. 

There was no way anyone could know about this, especially not Alex. He'd be so disappointed, I had told him about my issues from so long ago, and I promised I'd never go back to that version of myself. I wanted to be the best for Alex- and who knew how upset Alex would get? What if he hurt himself after finding out? Oh god- I promised that I would keep this to myself. No one could know.

I mopped at the blood on the floor, wiping it clean as I drenched my sweatshirt in hot water. Having so many sisters taught me how to get blood out of clothes when it was that time of the month, but I never felt ashamed about it. Periods happen to the majority of the planet! And- I snorted, staring at the bloody rag in my hands- maybe they could be helpful. 

I wrapped my hands in dark bandages, making sure as few people as possible would glance my way. So, I put on my signature 'please don't look at me' sweater, and was on my way- ready to face the world yet again, even though I wasn’t even ready to face myself. My clothes always screamed, or no, softly whispered, 'I resemble a very boring person.'

My phone buzzed.

I glanced down, and saw Thomas' sixty unread panicked text messages and then: 'We should go shopping this weekend!'

Man, coincidence or not?

But still, his texts, now that I was finally looking at them, I felt horrible. I simply left him there! I had to be sure I made it up to him, I had to. Life would be going my way soon enough, one step at a time. I clenched my fist, tears springing in my eyes from the cuts on cue. I was finally in control.

I did this to myself, after all.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Mentions of child abuse, psychological and sexual abuse, and self harm  
> Stay safe!  
> Comment if you‘d like me to message you over another app!

Nobody paid any mind to me.

And for once, I flushed with happiness at the thought. Even after a solid two days of my hands bleeding, and countless bandages, no one noticed. But I figured it out. If I was in control of my life, and no one noticed, I could follow on as I pleased.

Er- it probably wasn't the best thing for me to follow on, but I needed something.

I had to focus on something, something to get me through the tearful nights and terrifying dreams, and at times, I almost felt alright. Alex didn't notice, and Thomas... I hadn't seen him. I couldn't bear the shame from yelling at him, no matter how much control I had, I would never forgive myself for being so weak.

And of course, Alex wasn't abusing me! He had been talking about the wedding, wondering what flowers we'll have on the tables. He'd mumble it as I squeezed my eyes shut, his nails digging into my back, his lips on my neck. And no matter what, I loved him so much.

And you know what? I felt better too. I actually got out of the house today, my hands may have hurt, but I was finally feeling better. It was finally going well for me- finally! Smiles would manage to touch my lips when I wasn't around Thomas, and of course, whenever I thought about the curly-haired dork, I'd grin too. Was smiling more a symptom of getting better?

I rolled over in bed, waking up to face a sleepy Alex. He didn't have a meeting until past one in the afternoon today, but he would be gone for the entire night. And I already managed to miss him. I ran my hand through his long hair and he cracked one eye open, a scowl flipping onto his face.

"What?" Alex grunted, shoving the blankets off, and checked his phone. "Fuck it, it's noon already? Why didn't you wake me up?"

"You looked peaceful," I said softly, his words burning. He was just stressed, he had been going through so much lately. There's no way he meant it. "Um, breakfast is downstairs and all that, need me to come with?"

"Nah, stay in bed, I don't need your help. What're you doing today anyway? I know your shift is tomorrow, so what do you do when I'm not here?"

I winced, sitting up in bed as he began to get dressed. "Oh, I was going to study, erm, I have a big exam coming up. Graduation isn't that far away, and I was thinking about checking out some careers for psychology-"

"It was a hypothetical question, I'm not really in the mood to hear it," Alex snapped, turning his back to me. I felt guilt weigh down heavy on me, this was because I told him about my little accident the other day with my fingers. I couldn’t even keep my own promise. “Sorry. Just stressed."

"It's... Its alright," I mumbled, hesitating. Shit, why was I hesitating? I had never done that before- I couldn't stop thinking about Thomas' words from the other day. "Love you."

He kissed me on the top of my head, his eyes on his phone. "Love you too."

And I hated this part- but the second I heard the door shut, I got up.

I started the day alone, and god, there was usually nothing I wouldn't give to have Alex by my side. But- I don't know- maybe I simply needed some alone time. That was okay, right?

I texted Thomas. I needed to apologize, I missed seeing him, I hadn't seen him in a few days! And with my billions of missed messages from the pretty dork, I felt horrible. I didn't waste any time in procrastinating for once, and I messaged him right away.

Hey, are you free at all today?

macNcheeseman: yo!!!

macNcheeseman: I actually got a bit of free time this afternoon, you up for it??

I grinned, pulling a shirt on over my head. A chance to make up for my shitty attitude the other day! Finally, I could live my life. A good relationship, a friendship- my hands gave a sharp sting, and I yelped in pain- hell! God, it felt like a needle ever single time.

But I guilty scrolled through the tens of unread text messages, kind pleads for me to call him back, apologies, oh god, I was so sorry. I didn't deserve any of his beautiful words- how would I make it up to him? I had to hold on to the scarce amount of hope I had- Thomas wouldn't hate me, right? Thomas didn't seem like someone who could hate on a whim like that, but I did yell at him...

I clenched my hands, purposely sending a bolt of pain through my fingers, and I winced. I deserved it anyway, I told myself, swallowing heavily. 

I texted back briefly, tugging my shoes on, and wrapped my scarf around my neck two extra times. Alex had been getting- er, intense to say the least. He's been under so much stress, poor thing, and he was getting his stress out, so it was fine! We were fiancés after all. Why did I keep dwelling on it?

I pulled a heavy coat around myself, enjoying the warmth. God, it had been so long since I had worn Thomas' jacket, and I hated the fact I missed it. I missed him, way more than I should have.

The drive over was swift, I'd memorized the quiet way, and the secretary even remembered me? I knew Thomas was friends with her, I had heard him talking to someone by her name. Maybe my awkward small talk had made her remember me?

Nonetheless, I slipped into Thomas' empty office, taking a seat on his unrolled couch. Jeez, he must have slept here last night. I made a mental note to check on him, was he alright? His health was extremely important, he should be taking care of him and his pretty self. 

Suddenly, I heard voices. And Thomas' one along with it! I immediately perked up, a grin slipping onto my face. Since when had I been smiling so easily? But shit, whatever they were talking about, it sounded important.

Damn- I got the feeling that I absolutely shouldn't have been there. I crouched down, voices filling my ears as I heard the words 'child abuse' and then, 'no one is willing to help' and then an upset grunt. Yeah- not good at all. I ducked under the conference room table, me, a grown man! But what they were talking about- it did not sound good.

I felt like I should've closed my ears, and I pulled my knees up to my chin. I wasn't about to let myself seem like a creep by eavesdropping, but I was the one hiding under a table! I flexed my hand, wincing in pain as the cuts distracted me from the words I shouldn't have heard.

A voice rang out, that was too familiar and too upset. "But sir- he could die without anyone with him, he could at least be taken into protective custody! You don't understand-"

"Thomas, you're the one who doesn't understand," a gruffer voice said, and I couldn't help but scowl. What was going on? "This boy has no family left, his mother will be taking him-"

"Did you even see the photos? His bruising was extensive, there's no getting around it- we need to turn him into social services."

"He won't testify against his own mother-"

"He's six!" Thomas exclaimed, his voice going dangerously high. "He needs someone on his side, he must be terrified-"

"And he was carrying around a sharpened rock at school. We can't get around it, he's a threat- the social service system wouldn't do him any good."

"Sir, let me have his case. I will win. Let me talk to him, he could seriously stay with me-"

"Jefferson, I'm not letting you hold a dangerous boy who's not even on trial- what on earth?" I heard Thomas interject with something, but the gruff voice stopped him. "Jefferson, I expect the paperwork left on my desk by the end of the day."

"But, sir-"

"By the end of the day," the older repeated firmly, and I heard a dejected sigh from my place on the floor. "Are we clear?"

I could hear Thomas' voice wavering as my heart dropped. "Yes, sir."

The door shut, and I immediately grimaced. I didn't want to go over what I had heard, it was strictly lawyer stuff, I was probably getting Thomas in trouble by hiding! Another thing to apologize for! I got on my hands and knees, peeking out. Thomas would be alone by now, right? But the first thing I saw broke my heart. 

Thomas stood there, staring straight up at the ceiling as he held his fingers under his eyes- I recognized the strategy to not cry. I used it all the time- my heart sank for him. He breathed in deep, shuddering breaths before an entire shiver seemed to shoot through his body. He exhaled, as if breaking down on the inside, and wiped his face before slipping back to his desk.

Hell no, I didn't want to let him go another minute without some support- crying was always physically painful for me. But I wasn't exactly supposed to be there either... It was fine! Thomas wasn't feeling good, I wanted to check in at least!

He seemed to beat me to it. His gaze swept around the room as he looked for something, maybe the gummy stapler I borrowed to remember our day by, and our eyes met.

"James? Oh, yo, pretty boy!” Thomas exclaimed, a grin appearing on his lips as he walked over and helped me up. "Glad you could- holy shit. Were you under the table?"

I couldn't help but laugh. I forced myself away from his wonderful words, I had to apologize before anything happened! “Maybe. But er- I'm sorry for yelling at you the other day, and I wanted to come and make it up to you."

A mischievous smirk appeared on his face, and he winked. "Make it up to me?" I snorted at his words, giving him a playful shove as he chuckled. "You're fine, don't worry. Shouldn't have brought it up, but let me know if you're not okay, alright?"

I nodded, leaning into Thomas' warm touch on my shoulder. But still, this didn't make me stop thinking about his tears- I needed to know if he was okay. He had done so much for me- I couldn't leave him! I didn't want to!

"But erm, are you okay? I was kind of under that table for a while, it didn't sound good, um, sorry about listening in."

Thomas glanced away, but he seemed surprised that I even asked. "Really? Um.” He paused for a moment, his gaze flicking to his couch. “Would you be cool if I used you as a pillow?"

My lips parted in shock- but I was curious! Like, lay on me? Or something like that? "Uh- I'd be fine with it, I'm cold anyway, uh-"

He smiled warmly, patting the edge cushion of the couch, and I sat down, oddly curious. He was going to use me as a pillow? It's not that I wouldn't like it- Thomas was always super warm, and it'd just be for a little while- shit! Was I seriously considering this? I had a loving boyfriend and now I was-

Thomas laid down before I had a chance to protest. Oh god- he was so pretty. And I felt a horrible, vicious urge to run my fingers through his unruly hair- maybe I could brush it out! That'd be fun- as if it'd happen. He rested his head on my lap, his eyelids fluttering close as he practically nuzzled into me.

He sighed in content, and I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't pound at his cheerfulness. I was so damn happy I could be here with him, be here with this wonderful person. Shit, I was being cheesy again, but it was true. He was all-around perfect!

"Alright pretty boy, you ready for me to verbally throw up on you?" I let out a laugh at his words, giving him a poke. I wasn't sure where to put my hands, despite the fact that I felt like I should touch his chest, maybe. But I relaxed in his presence, leaning into the couch as he sighed.

"Okay- bein' a lawyer can seriously suck. There's this potential case- and I want it, I'm in charge of adolescent cases! This poor six-year-old- whose parents are horrible to him- brought a rock to school, y'know, and it's classified as a weapon. But the poor thing is freaked out, no wonder he's trying to protect himself! But the kid isn't going to testify against his own mom, of course, but I want to take his case so we can get him somewhere safe."

Oh, shit- the conversation I heard was worse than I thought. I gave his head an affectionate pat, my heart sinking sadly for him. He must've been under so much stress- I wasn't sure how to help with this! And Alex wasn't a fan of when I was a smart-ass and when I said shit I shouldn't, so what did I say? Everything I said was... Wrong.

So instead, I let him talk.

"And so I had the idea- maybe I could take the kid to my house for a bit. I know, it's weird, but it'd be great for him to be somewhere safe. But my boss-" he spat the word out like poison on his tongue-" says I can't do that unless the kid testifies! But I can't, he won't even let me meet the poor thing- shit. I'm just upset. And I have open spots for cases- I've been taking a few on at a time- and this would really help the kid's life.

"But," he sighed, opening his brilliantly colored eyes as he grinned. "I'll figure something out."

"You're not alone!" I blurted out awkwardly. Fear had shot through me, I knew that my words would make everything worse like always, but I didn't want to make Thomas feel bad! Shit! "Uh- um, can I help at all?"

Thomas smiled, and I raised my eyebrows. I was waiting to be punished as I deserved for my unhelpful words- but Thomas simply... Was him. 

"Thanks pretty," he said, nodding. "Don't worry 'bout it, I promise I'll win. Your words always help. And if I can persuade him into living with me, you can meet him! It'd be great for him to get some sort of friendship, who better to do it than you, cutie?"

I flushed, glancing away bashfully. Jeez, I didn't know how I could always deal with his attention- it was weird having so much affection. Out of nowhere, my hands gave a sudden pulsation of pain, and I grimaced. Shit! How long was it going to keep that up?

He opened one eye, raising an eyebrow. "You okay? I'm not hurting you, am I?"

I shook my head, massaging my fingers to stop any excess bleeding. "No, no. You're very... Warm. I could actually fall asleep like this."

"Be my guest," he purred, his eyes fluttering closed again. "I missed talking to you. And I know I don't say sorry very often, but I'm sorry for all the shit from the other day. I was... Worried."

"Please don't worry about me Thomas," I said guiltily, and my heart hurt at the thought of him dwelling on me. But it gave me a twisted rush of pleasure- someone was thinking of me? But suddenly, I felt his fingers intertwine with my own, and it was getting pretty difficult to not hold his- I was glad for the contact.

"Nah, gotta keep you safe! And is it okay if I hold your hand? I know you got a boyfriend, and that's cool, I was wondering if I could still hold it? I know, it’s kind of childish, but I always think better with someone like you around.”

He gazed up at me with dark, curious eyes, and hell, how could I say no? Why would I say no in the first place? I nodded, a smirk making its way onto my lips.

And that's how we stayed. Silence had always been painful for me- a desperate need to fill the empty air with my words, no matter how pathetic, but with Thomas, it felt... Alright. I knew I spoke too much, and Thomas talked a lot- not that I was complaining- so it was nice to rest in the comfcomfortable silence. 

I... I hadn't been sleeping well lately. It could have been a whole bunch of factors- but nonetheless, I found my own eyes closing as Thomas gripped my hand. God- I had been so tired. Thomas always seemed to help. While I was desperately trying to keep myself awake, I suddenly felt Thomas' hand wrap around my bandages.

Yeah, there's no easy way out of that now, is there?


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Psychological abuse, mentions of self harm, and panic attacks  
> Stay safe!

"James- what happened to your hands?"

That wasn't a question I had been preparing for.

I know, I know. I should've been getting ready for someone asking that- but Thomas always saw right through my lies! He gently tugged my hand above his position on my lap, studying the messily wrapped bandages.

But I couldn't let him know! What would Thomas do if he knew I was hurting myself, no matter how much I deserved it? I didn't want him to waste his time worrying about me. I needed something, anything to get out of this. All I wanted to do was nap with this pretty guy on my lap!

I shook my head, realizing that there was an unhelpful lump in my throat. "I was cooking, erm, I'm not great with knives, and ha- just made a mistake. Nothing to worry about."

He shook his head, studying my bandaged hands even closer. "It looks like it's been bleedin' pretty heavily, can I check it out? Or is it too gross for me?" He laughed, trying to lighten the conversation. "But, I've seen some pretty nasty things, let me help out?"

"U-Uh, it was just a stupid mistake, um, it's fine," I forced out, my voice strained. With a master's in psychology, I wasn't great at lying under the influence of the world's kindest guy. "But if you need to check it out, I promise it was a mistake."

He nodded, and I cursed my words. Great, now the first thing he would assume is that I was self-harming, and it was one time! I deserved it anyway! Suddenly, I remembered about my nose. It seemed like forever ago when Alex got a bit angry about Thomas. My nose gave a burst of pain- I never saw a doctor, but I'm sure it was fine anyway. And speaking of Alex- I shouldn't have been so weird and affectionate with Thomas! Fuck! What was I doing?

He carefully unwrapped the bloody bandages, and I winced. I couldn't- I couldn't look at his expression. He must have been disgusted with me, he had already figured it out, hadn't he? I fought an urge to scratch at my wrists as if I could even get to them with Thomas' gaze.

"James," I heard through my buzzing mind, and I wanted to cry so damn badly. I deserved this all so much, god, I was so stupid and horrible and so useless. I didn't deserve any of his kindness- I was disgusting. "James."

I made a grunt of recognition, and Thomas continued. "Pretty boy, these don't look good. At all. They go pretty deep, do you need me to get a doctor? I don't have a first aid kit on me, ironically enough, but I know there's one down the hall."

I shook my head, fighting tears as much as I could, but I knew I wasn't going to last long. Thomas continued to look over my hand, making small noises every so often.

"This doesn't look good, how bad does it hurt?" He asked gently, and I felt so horrible so suddenly, I could hardly hear him, and I only could make an incoherent noise. "I'll take that as bad. Who did this James? Wait- shit, was this your boyfriend?"

"N-No!" I squeaked out, my voice not my own and holy shit- god, my heart was beating so quickly and I felt like I was going to die.

"James- shit, pretty boy, are you okay?"

I broke down.

I covered my face with my hands while tremors shot throughout my body as I sobbed. I was so terrible- I was the one making Thomas feeling so bad, everything was my fault and there wasn't a single thing I could do to change it. Thomas was saying something and all I could get through my shattered mind was: 'Don't let him see you cry.' Because I knew, once he saw the tears on my cheeks, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from getting too close, too fast.

The calming force keeping me in place on my lap moved as Thomas sat up, and I doubled over in pain. I was so unbelievably sorry to everybody- I could see myself as a middle schooler, my siblings never really seeing me. I could see myself alone forever- it's what I deserved. My stomach felt like I was falling down a flight of stairs, and I was the one who threw myself down them in the first place.

I let out a violent cry, desperately trying to muffle it with my hands but it was so difficult- everything hurt so badly, I felt trapped and utterly lost. I didn't want Thomas to see me like this- how could I be so selfish? How could I let myself do this? How could I let myself become so disgusting? The words 'breathe, it's okay, try to breathe' managed to burrow into my mind, Thomas' voice terrified.

I was so tired. I had been fight for so long- I couldn’t do this anymore. I had to get out!

I could vaguely feel an arm wrap around me as I sobbed in pain, my fingers throbbing as I tried to cover my face. I couldn't do this, I'd never be strong enough to stand up for myself, I would never change- I was always my horrible self.

And suddenly I was crying into something stronger, and I realized it was Thomas' shirt. And his arms were wrapped around me as my shoulders shook with emotion, the tears refusing to stop. 

But after a while- it stopped.

And my wails subsided into exhausted whimpers, and Thomas kept mumbling something to me, but his voice was muffled by my own thoughts. Thomas kept his hand on the back of my neck, resting his chin on the top of my head. And I knew I should've pushed away, let him get back to work, but I stayed in his arms. I was scared my thoughts would be alone again- I couldn't do that again.

Thomas moved away slightly, just enough so he could look me in the eye. "How are you feelin' James?"

I snorted, palming at my cheeks- but I surprisingly didn't feel horrible anymore. A nice, solid breakdown seemed to help. "I-I'm sorry about t-that."

"It's okay," he said gently, letting me wiggle into my own space. "You gave me a shock there- we're gonna make sure that doesn't happen again, alright? No more tears, I promise you. But hey! You got through that! And you know what? I'm proud of you."

I smiled shakily, nodding as Thomas helped me off of the couch. It felt nice to stretch, but Thomas' arms looked far more comfortable. It seemed too tiring to speak- whatever the hell that just was exhausting. But Thomas' words struck a chord somewhere inside of me, and I couldn't help but grin. 

"I- um, do you think we could, uh, hug again?" 

The words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them, and then I quickly added a lame excuse to the end about how I was cold. I needed a moment to get back to normal- and Thomas' warmth always seemed to help.

"Sure your boyfriend won't mind?" He laughed, sweeping me up in his arms. "We've done worse, I'm sure a hug is fine."

I couldn't help but linger in his wonderful heat- I was freezing and I needed this so much. By the time he pulled away, I actually felt decent again, despite being utterly exhausted of course, but that was beside the point. I let out a slow exhale, scrubbing at my eyes to clear out any tears.

Thomas grinned, tossing his arm around me before marching me out of his office. "Aight, now we got to take care of those hands of yours! We'll patch it up quickly, and I'll let you get back to your boyfriend in no time. Let him know about this, we got to keep you healthy!"

Why didn't I correct him? Alex and I were engaged, why didn't I say anything? And I promised that I wouldn't tell Alex my real reason for the cuts, how would I deal with that? I was a liar, a filthy, cheating liar-

But Thomas grinned down at me and my thoughts disappeared. Thank god- I wasn't about to go through another one of those freak-outs. And his words came so smoothly, our conversation flowing with ease despite the dried tears on my cheeks.

"You think we could go shoppin' some time?" Thomas asked after a beat of comfortable silence, directing us into the men's bathroom. And Jesus- these were like those bathrooms from those fancy private schools! Their mirrors could open I noted, as Thomas pulled out a first aid kit.

"Yeah, sure!" I said, with probably a little too much enthusiasm. But shopping would seriously be fun- I hadn't gone in years. But Alex wouldn't really like the fact of me going out- er- how did I deal with that? "Uh, but my boyfriend and I are pretty busy, erm, did you have any time in mind?"

"We could totally do it over the weekend- you free around noon tomorrow? Bring your boyfriend if you want-" I already knew I wouldn't ask Alex- "I'd love to meet the guy."

"Yeah, I'm free! Erm, my boyfriend is a state senator, I don't know if he'll be able to come- but what kind of stuff do you wear? Ha- I can't imagine you in something other than a suit."

"Want me to strip?"

I let out a bark of a laugh, shoving him as he grinned. "You stripped in front of me not two days ago! Can you not keep your clothes on?"

He ruffled my hair, smiling with an unidentifiable look in his eyes. "Nah, it's not as fun. Every day has to have some meaning to it- but you can't strip too often of it becomes boring. My genes are the element of surprise!"

"Oh, I'm surprised alright."

"Hey!" Thomas exclaimed, a mischievous smirk set perfectly on his face. "Is that some snark I sense from pretty boy?"

I knew I should've apologized- Alex hated when I was a stupid smart-ass, but the words slipped out before I knew what was happening. "What's it to you?"

"Goddamn! I can't believe I hadn't heard this side of you- the mobster side. Ay, I'm walkin' 'ere!"

I laughed, my stomach hurting from how happy I was. Nothing like getting through a freak-out, and soon enoygh we were doing the most stereotypical, 90's television Italian accents, and I had to muffle my laughter. Didn't other people work here too?

And Thomas was so gentle with my bloody hands as he patched them up, but he still managed to make me chuckle with his jokes, and who minded if twenty minutes ago I was pretty sure I would die? Thomas made me feel safe, I didn't care! I didn’t even have the energy to care!

But my touches would linger on him a little longer than usual, I'd look at him for a beat too many-

I knew I was already in too deep.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I‘ll be answering comments this afternoon, I’m speedily posting before school starts haha! Thank you all for your support on this story, you all are amazing!  
> Thank you again!  
> -  
> Trigger warning!  
> Psychological abuse, mentions of self harm, and panic attacks,  
> towards the end of this chapter, there is strong language  
> Stay safe!  
> -

I was proud of myself.

I know, I know, I was pretty confused too. 

But I went an entire night without crying, not a single tear fell from my eyes. Alex got home past one in the morning, falling beside me and curling into the covers. And I let him. I didn't wake him up and annoy him after his stressful night, I was finally being a good fiancé!

I woke up early at the sight of Alex getting dressed at half-past eight in the morning, peering at him through my half-closed eyes. He scribbled a note for me, placing it silently on the nightstand before disappearing out the door. Jesus, how lucky was I? I knew Alex cared about me- and it was the little things that counted.

On his scrap of paper, he explained that he had a meeting, and I understood that! I was content. I would see him later in the evening anyway, we both had our lives. My heart ached longingly just thinking about it, but thankfully I had Thomas to keep me company.

Don't even get me started on how wonderful Thomas had been! I had hung out in his office until late afternoon the day before- he had a shit ton of meetings- and I studied my books in peace. In between his work, he'd pop in, check my hands, make at least three puns, and his gaze would sweep over my face- he had been keeping a close eye on me ever since I freaked out yesterday. 

But he assured me that there wasn't anything to worry about. Plus, we stopped at the vending machines every so often- I never used them as a kid, so it was amazing! But I was still clinging to the hope that Thomas had been doing better too, I crossed my fingers that he wasn't sleeping on his couch in the office again. 

And the kid too! He said that he might try to convince his boss to let him take the case or at least review it. Thomas promised that he'd get it, and I believed him! Once he had his sights set on something, nothing would get in his way. That's one thing I admired about him.

By the time I had gotten dressed and redone my bandages, Thomas' car was out front. And damn, when he says he'll be on time, he will be on time- or I'm pretty sure the universe would collapse. 

And the more I observed him- the more childish he became. Not that it was a bad thing, of course! But I was so used to making my words sound witty, but with him, I could say whatever came to mind. I mean, he was sitting in the driver's seat with his knees on the steering wheel, for fuck's sake! I was pretty sure he was playing flappy bird, which hadn't been popular in years! He was like a big, slightly aggressive and very snarky puppy. 

But I knocked gently on the window, and my heart practically burst at how excited he got. No one was ever so happy to see me.

"Pretty!" He exclaimed, letting me in as I settled into the passenger's seat. "Glad we could do this, I wanna get some clothes for you- I love your style and I got a few ideas for you."

I flushed, and it immediately sent a shot of anxiety up my spine. I had been getting so flustered in Thomas' company lately- why wasn't I like that with Alex? With Alex I was just... Nervous. I loved him so much! I bet it was because of the wedding, there was lots to do.

"I've got my own money, Mr. Hotshot," I teased, letting him lead the way. Ever since he had found out I was working at the flower shop for school, he had been paying for my stuff. So I could 'save my money for the things that matter!' "And, you'll be getting a six-year-old roommate, you might want to keep your cash safe until everything works out! Kids can be pretty intense."

"Shit- I don't know!" He exclaimed, a grin slipping onto his face. Ever since learning about it, Thomas became amazingly giddy whenever I brought it up. "If this works out, I could seriously avoid him before forced into the social service system, which sucks, by the way. But if I could- it'd be amazing! You think you'd ever want kids?"

My face reddened. Kids. I hadn't really thought about it- I was gay after all. Even so, that didn't completely eliminate the possibility. With who, though? I mean- Alex of course! They were cute and all, and I would only have one if I could. I never really liked my huge family- I wasn't about to put a kid through that.

"Erm, I'm not sure. I know how to take care of them- eldest of twelve after all- but I've never really been especially close with them." Thomas gave me a suspicious side-eye glance, and I couldn't help but laugh. "And my baby brother one time threw up on me, and I swear I haven't recovered."

"There it is," he laughed, nodding. "But I totally get that- babies, in my opinion, aren't all around... Clean? But this kid is six- but uh, if you ever meet him, the poor thing has been pretty traumatized." Thomas sighed sadly, his eyes flickering down to my hands. "That's what my salary is for though- I'm gettin' him everything he needs!"

I smiled, too aware that my hands were itching with the desire to hold his. He was just so- I don't know. Him. "You're too kind, y'know I always expected you to have some sort of fancy car-"

"Are you insulting ol' reliable?" Thomas exclaimed, putting his hand to his heart as he pressed a hand to the wheel. "The car had feelings too!"

"Oh hush," I laughed, nudging him lightly. I felt weird being in his presence- not pressured to act a certain way, but still nervous. Or excited. I couldn't tell the difference between the two recently. "But I have always wanted to own the hope diamond-"

"I should've expected that!"

The ride to the mall wasn’t too long, and it wasn’t bad at all! With every word he spoke, I felt that weird, slightly nauseating feeling, but I got to know him in the meantime. And shit, there wasn’t a single fault with this guy. There were moments where I was disgusted with myself- Thomas was perfect and I was... Shattered.

And then, of course, the occasional flush of terror when I realized that I was a lying, filthy cheater. And I was horrible- but Thomas would give me a gentle poke and then I’d come back into view of the vibrantly colored coats that Thomas was picking through, then holding up to me.

I found out that Thomas would probably live in the mall if he could, and it made sense! I wasn’t a fan, and I hid behind him when he spoke to others- he was just so calm. It was impressive to see him speak, maybe that’s what the lawyer career was about! 

But my mind flicked back to a conversation we had so long ago, that he really didn’t care for being a lawyer, and wanted to do something with foreign affairs. And then, of course, yesterday I had seen him almost cry, which continued to break my heart.

He held up a coat to me as I studied his handsome face, searching for a sign that he wasn't alright. "What do you think James? Blue your color?"

I grinned, taking it from his hands and slipped it over my shoulders. “It’s very cool,” I mumbled, trying to stop a blush from creeping up my face. “I like it, it’s really soft. I feel like I could sleep in it.”

“That a good thing?” Thomas asked, a smirk on his face as I nodded, taking it off. “Here, I’ll go buy it! Let me just-“

“Hey, hey! No- I can’t let you do that, you’ve already done too much for me-“ I fumbled with my wallet, not wanting to annoy Thomas by making him pay for anything else- “I’ll get it.”

“James, hey, I was the one who invited you!”

I shot him a challenging grin, moving right under his outstretched arm to meet the cashier. I set the money down on the table, nodding cheerfully to the smiling lady behind the counter. I was in a hellishly good mood, and an urge to be a tad sarcastic bit at me- but Alex always hated it. I deflated slightly, trying to keep my composure as I slipped the newly bought coat around myself.

“Pretty boy, you did not just do that!” Thomas exclaimed, skipping to keep up with me. He was literally skipping. And he was a grown man- and I had a desperate urge to smile. “Damn, your height really does come in handy- that’s a compliment by the way.”

I chuckled, leaning into the touch on my shoulder. “Not used to being the submissive one? You are a lawyer, after all, I should start doin’ that more often. Take your confidence down a peg or two.”

I laughed, Thomas’ face looking shocked that I had actually said that. Our humor together was insanely sarcastic and snarky- and I loved every moment of it. 

We strolled around the town for quite a while, and I felt the urge to wrap my hand around his own. It had been so long since I had been out like this, Alex was always pretty focused on shopping, he wasn’t huge on the idea of wasting time like that. I mean, I didn’t feel that it was wasted time- but Alexander was right. 

Speaking of Alex, I hoped he was alright. He had been working so much lately, I was worried that he’d overwork himself! And I was being disgustingly unfaithful, and I wanted to try and give more time to Alex, but... I felt oddly moved towards Thomas.

“Hey, I’m gonna go grab a pretzel from the food court, pretty,” Thomas said, popping my thoughts as I stared blankly at the book. Bookstores were amazing, but when my head was so full of thoughts, it was pretty hard. “I’ll be two minutes, want me to grab you somethin’?”

I smiled, tapping my book. “Nah, I’m good. Thanks, Thomas, I-I appreciate it.”

He stuck his tongue out in the cute way he did, giving me a pat on the head before disappearing into the crowd. 

His presence guided a warmth wherever he went, and I had seen crowds part for him before- most likely from how damn tall he was, but still! And when he left, it felt like something was being sucked out of me. But he said he’d be back in two minutes after all!

I slipped outside of the store, leaning casually against the wall until Thomas would return. My gaze swept over the crowd until landing on a familiar face.

Alex!

I grinned, shifting so I could get a better view. My Alex was here, holy shit! I thought he was at a meeting, maybe he was stopping here for lunch. I might as well say hi while he was here, I didn’t have to say anything about Thomas. We were fiancés! And fiancés should say hi to each other, right!

I began to push my way through the crowd until my heart dropped in my chest. A freckled man had one arm wrapped around Alex’s shoulder, smiling enthusiastically. No- this was just a friend. Probably another senator, right? 

But then the freckled man kissed Alex. And Alex leaned into it, laughing into the other’s lips. 

I stumbled back, the floor hitting my back before I knew what was happening, a vague ringing in my ears. It couldn’t have been. I slapped a hand over my mouth, the crowd parting as tears welled up in my eyes, so many people staring at me with such a judging look. And then Alex was standing over me, yelling something as the freckled man stood and watched. Why did he watch? It couldn’t have been.

“James!”

The words finally reached my ears, the blur of noise making everything feel horrible, my heart thundering in my ears.

“What’re you doing?” Alex shouted- no, was he whispering? The buzzing in my ears was a choir, and my shoulders began to shake. And shake- and I couldn’t feel my terrified mind spinning anymore- it was all a blur of noise- oh god, I couldn’t, I couldn’t do this-

“Have you been following me? What are you doing on the floor- James, what the hell did you see?”

I stood up shakily, my hands balled at my sides into fists, and I spun on my heel and ran.

Anger gripped at my mind- god, no, please no, I rather be sad. Why was I angry? The corners of my vision were blurring viciously, and oh god, I hadn’t even felt the impact. A single coherent thought couldn’t make its way through my head- I was so angry. I wanted to scream. But even then, I wouldn’t be heard. When was I ever actually listened to?

I hit a wall. But this wall was wearing a shirt and saying some sort of words, but I couldn’t hear, my eyes were burning in pain from unshed tears. And I beat my fists against the person, wails building up in my throat, oh god, I couldn’t breathe. 

“James! James, hey pretty boy, what’s wrong?” I finally heard a gentle voice in my ears, Thomas’ rich one as I sobbed into his shirt. God- no, please no. Please no. I raked at my forearms with my nails, and I could feel Thomas’ grip on my wrists tighten as he stopped me, but no, I had to do it. This is what I deserved, I needed this!

Alex’s voice crept upon us as he shouted, screaming words I didn’t understand- it felt as if my ears were filled with cotton. Thomas had a protective arm around me as I curled in on myself, the reality not yet set in.

“James, who the fuck is this?” Alex exclaimed, giving Thomas a scowl while I flinched. “What the fuck is wrong with you? James, come here.”

I couldn’t move my feet. Alex’s words echoed painfully in my ear, and I felt a sudden, rough grip on my bad hands.

“No!” I yelped, finally finding my voice as pain shot through me. I could feel the old scabs rip open and hot tears fell down my cheeks, oh god, and Thomas gently ran his hand over my hair. 

“Don’t you touch him.” Thomas’ voice rang out, loud and clear and Alex flinched. My brain clawed at itself, no, no! Alex couldn’t handle yelling, he would get scared! I needed to comfort him! I had to. But the freckled and green-eyed man was in the background as I cried- had I been replaced? “You must be Alex, his boyfriend.”

The words were laced with disgust, and Alex scowled. “Fiancé. That’s what I thought- I knew when he told me about you, I knew that this whore would still be with you. Sluts never listen.”

“Don’t you fucking speak about James that way!”

And before I knew it Thomas had raised his fist, eyes glistening with rage as he lunged towards Alex. And I stopped him. I felt as if I were possessed, my foggy mind couldn’t understand, but I took his arm and lowered it calmly.

I shook my head solemnly, Thomas’ eyes wide with shock. “It’s true. Don’t worry Thomas, I’m just a stupid whore.”

More tears managed to fall, despite the fact I felt so empty. The anger had disappeared in a puff, and Thomas leaned down and wiped my cheeks clean. “No, no. Pretty boy, never ever believe that. Don’t you dare- it’s not true at all.” 

I sobbed brokenly, my hands burning with pain as Alex shouted- mall security was restraining him, but his words didn’t fall short of my ears.

“Stupid whore!” Alex cried out, and I wanted so desperately to scratch at my arms until I got the pain I deserved. “James- get over here and help me! Help me already!”

I took a methodical step forward- I had to help Alex. I had to. But Thomas put his arms around my shaking body, sweeping me up in a hug.

And I let him.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Psychological abuse, self-harm, emotional shock and suicidal thoughts  
> Stay safe!

It was a quiet ride to Thomas' house. 

I mean, quiet on my end at least.

"Pretty boy, please talk to me. You know that I'm being serious because I said 'please,' you gotta talk to me!" Thomas exclaimed, giving my shivering shoulder a pat. "Please?"

I couldn't open my mouth. It felt sewn shut, I didn't deserve to be able to speak. Why did I open my mouth in the first place? That's probably why Alex hated me so much, probably why that freckled man was with him. He was so much better than me, maybe he would take me back-

"James," Thomas' voice rang out, and he gave me a concerned glance. "I know you're thinking that it's your fault. It ain't! Pretty boy, it ain't! Alex doesn't deserve you. I don't know what he's thinkin'."

I desperately wanted to scratch at my arms until they bled, pull myself inside out. I pulled my knees up to my chest, fresh tears welling up in my eyes. I was so unbelievably horrible. Thomas continued to speak, but I couldn't hear it, I couldn't hear his pretty words. I didn't deserve them! I hated everything about what I was, it was disgusting. I was disgusting!

We got to his apartment- which was huge and beautiful, of course- and he helped me inside. He pat the couch, concerned, and I fell onto it. I couldn't do this. I didn't want to do this! Why was it me? No- no. It made sense. I deserved it.

Thomas wrapped an arm around me, my face hardly heating up like it usually did. Emotional shock was what they called it. When the victim can't handle the trauma so they just... Choke up. 

It was late, the sun had dipped out of sight, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. But even after a quiet hour of a cute Thomas dozing off next to me while trying to do work, I still felt empty. I was so tired. My eyes burned with shed tears, blistering heat from who knew where.

"What's your favorite movie?" Thomas asked, in between his bouts of sleep. "I probably can get it on here- need anything?"

I shook my head, leaning into him, unsure if time had really passed or not. I was pretty difficult to talk to, I had to admit it, but Thomas chatted with me like normal. As if I were a human being.

"I like-" my ragged voice didn't sound like my own- "I like Tim Burton movies. I mean, they're kind of dumb, but you don't have to buy anything-"

He shook his head, pulling a blanket over the two of us. My fingers found his hand, and I wanted to hold it so badly. Just like the whore I was. "Which one, pretty?"

"Er- Coraline?"

He nodded, pleased, and my heart gave a traitorous thump. 

And that's what we did for the next two hours. He ran his hand over my tight curls, turning the captions of the movies on so I could actually hear. But I knew the movie by heart- a child lost in their own family. I knew it all too well.

But Thomas was so unbelievably kind, wrapping his hand around my own after a little while. Briefly, I'd have violent flashes of panic, terrifying me. But they'd be gone within a moment, leaving me so scared. Chest heaving, my nails digging into my wrist. I couldn't do it- but Thomas would be there. 

And my mind was screaming. He must want something! I was sure of it- what other reason would he spend time with me then? I had nothing to give him, I had nothing left. Did I ever have anything, though? How long had Alex been-

Thomas shrieked. I jumped out of my seat, grabbing his hand tightly but his screams subsided into tearful giggles.

"Shit- I hate this part," Thomas laughed, burrowing his face into my shoulder. My 'emotional shock' or whatever was going on, wore down slightly, and a small blush crept up my face. But even so- I hadn't faced the reality yet. It hadn't hit me. And even, at moments, I felt alright.

“Don’t look,” I mumbled, flushed, and covering his eyes with my hand. And damn, Thomas probably needed to get to bed, he was still a lawyer after all. But of course, me being the whore I was, he had to take care of me. But he was still so close to me, his knees resting on my own. Any other time, I’d be freaking out. But I was so tired, too tired.

Thomas snuggled into me again, before glancing at his watch halfheartedly. “You should get to sleep pretty boy, you want my bed or the couch? Whatever you don’t pick I’ll take, I’ll be up pretty early anyway.”

I nodded, shrugging sadly. I didn’t want to be alone. I was terrified of what would happen if I were alone. “I can take the couch, is, um, that okay?”

“‘Course, pretty boy. We have a bunch of blankets already on us-“ he laughed, standing up and leaving me in the cold- “do you think you’ll be okay? I have work to do anyway, if that’ll make you feel safer.”

I wanted to cry, such an overwhelming force made me want to burst into tears. I shook my head, gathering up the blankets and fighting the tears that threatened to spill. I had to make it to bed, I had to. I couldn’t let Thomas see me cry yet again- I was unbelievably pathetic. 

But my master’s in psychology was kicking in, thankfully. I knew the symptoms of emotional shock- mood swings, anger, irritation and of course, repressed triggers. And I knew how to deal with them too, but only when the memory had been revealed. Otherwise... It was useless.

Thomas wished me a good night, casting me a nervous glance before padding off to bed. Good, he needed the sleep, he deserved it. That’s one thing I never deserved, I didn’t deserve to sleep, no matter how soft these blankets were, no matter how warm Thomas was against me. But now he was in the other room, and I was utterly alone. 

I let my eyelids flutter close. I didn’t have the energy to be awake anymore.

And finally, it happened.

At four thirteen in the morning, no less.

I woke up with a yelp, a cold sweat suddenly springing onto my body, and I could genuinely feel my heart get lodged with a splinter. A big splinter. I mean, a fucking stick. 

And then it hit me. 

I had been replaced.

Suddenly, tears were blazing in my eyes as my nails bit at my skin and I could just barely hold back a sob. Alex, oh god, Alex. Why hadn’t I been thinking of him? It was my fault, wasn’t it? He cheated- no! Cheated was such a bad word, such a horrible word, I deserved it. I was the one cheating on him! No wonder he left me! I was so stupid, horrible and that freckled and green-eyed man would probably treat Alex better than I ever could. But I wasn’t the one cheating-

No, no. Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! God, I was so horrible, I had to stop this. I had to- I wanted to be with Alex. He was all I have ever known, what would I do without him? I raked my nails along my arms in the dark room, a violent sob escaping from my lips. 

I heard a thump from the other room. Shit.

I tried to pull the blankets back over me, but I was so angry at myself. I was so fucking terrified, my chest felt so tight. I couldn’t breathe, I didn’t want to. Who was I if I couldn’t be with Alex?

But suddenly, Thomas was kneeling in front of me as I held a hand over my mouth, hot tears spilling down and over my cheeks. Emotional shock my ass. Why hadn’t I felt bad before? What if I was making it all up, making up these stupid little problems to get attention?

“James, James, pretty boy, can you hear me?” Thomas had his hands on both sides of my face, but my chest was heaving so violently it was burning. I couldn’t feel him. “James. Yes or no?”

I nodded bleakly, running my hands over the marks on my arms. Thomas moved his hand across my cheeks, wiping away the constant tears. “Alright, pretty boy. What’s going through that lovely head of yours?”

I shook my head, bitter anger coursing through me. I didn’t want to do this anymore, but Thomas’ words were so kind and I wanted to get better but, it seemed so impossible. I drove the heel of my palms into my eyes, desperately trying not to cry as Thomas gave me a panicked look.

“Please James,” he insisted, resting his arms on my knees and setting his chin there. “Talk to me.”

I couldn’t stand Thomas looking so sad. “It just... It hurts.”

He frowned, tilting his head as he gave a gentle tug on my curls. “I know James, I know. You need to know that Alex is insane for doin’ this to you-“

“I deserve it,” I hissed out, blinking at him with red eyes as his face morphed into shock. “I deserve all of this, okay? It’s my fault anyway, my fault for being such a stupid whore!”

“James-“

“Thomas, it’s my fault!” I urged, furious tears blurring my vision. I hated myself, so much. So much more than before. “And I don’t like what I’ve become, and I bet that’s why Alex did what he did. He knows I deserve pain, he knows it! I’m so disgusting and I should just die-!”

“James, don’t you dare! Never say that.” The anger in Thomas’ dark eyes, I knew, wasn’t for me. His eyes filled with tears, but he didn’t even stop to wipe them. “You can never believe that, okay? Never. Never say that.”

His expression softened, and he glanced away. But before I knew it, I had my arms around his neck, and I was crying even harder. I could feel his body relax right into mine as if made for it, and all he did was hold me. And that was so much more than enough.

“I’m so tired,” I explained, my voice clogged up with tears. “And it hurts so much. I’m just... Y’know. Not happy. Masters in psychology my ass.”

Thomas let out a warm laugh, pulling away, but only enough for our words to slip easily through the air. Guilt settled in the pit of my stomach, and I could hear Alex crying back at home. I should’ve been running back to him- I had to see him. I was terrified, what would happen if he was alone?

“James,” Thomas mumbled, his voice quiet for once. But his voice was always so traitorously beautiful. “I’m gonna be right here, I’m not gonna leave you. Mind if I sleep on the floor?”

And I did what I never would have expected, but I broke into giggles. “You need to ask permission to sleep on your own floor?”

Thomas snorted, a happy smile appearing on his lips. It was always so nice to see him grin like that, even if five minutes he was so angry. Why was he so angry? But our laughter was soon the only thing I could hear, and I couldn’t remember what I was crying about in the first place. My heart was still wrenching in my chest, Alex sitting heavily in my mind, but I wanted this one moment. I wouldn’t let go of it.

Thomas made a nest of blankets on the floor, no matter how many times I insisted I was fine. And he fell asleep in an instant, and he continued to look so utterly beautiful. My eyes ran over his sleeping figure, lingering on the edges of his long-sleeved shirt. Long sleeves were his favorite, and after thinking about it, I hadn’t seen him without it! Jeez, cold-blooded, wow!

I moved half off the couch, worried by the frown on his lips. And I did something so horrible, something perfectly in line and proved that I deserved every second of pain. I laced my fingers with his own, and his frown turned up. And then, I pressed my lips in a gentle kiss to his callused knuckles, tears dripping down my face. 

“I’m so sorry Thomas,” I whispered, keeping my voice as quiet as possible. Thomas’ kindness heated my heart, stopping the usual and vicious burn. My heart had felt ablaze since I was a child, but Thomas helped it down to a steady warmth.

And what did I do in return? I cried pathetically in his arms, I only spoke about myself, what the hell was wrong with me? And then, of course, Alex! I was disgustingly useless, but I couldn't stop myself.

But I was pulled from my thoughts by Thomas squeezing me back, nuzzling into our intertwined hands. I covered my mouth with my other hand, biting back a sob. Oh god. I couldn’t hurt Thomas, I couldn’t. I should’ve left, let him forget about me, but how could I forget him?

His chest rose and fell methodically and I was pulled into a sleepy daze by the pattern. Why was Thomas the only one who could do this to me? It had been such a long night, but Thomas was there. That was enough.

So finally, I closed my tired eyes and fell asleep.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Psychological abuse, self harm and implied sexual abuse  
> Stay safe!

It was a busy morning.

But nonetheless, I had made it through the night.

Thomas hadn't gone to his meeting, instead spending the first few hours of consciousness by my side, no matter how much I insisted for him to go to work. Guilt seeped through my veins, about Alex, about Thomas, about the sweet old lady from the flower shop- everyone. I was simply exhausted.

But thankfully, Thomas was there. Fuck, he was wonderful. Not a single complaint. And Thomas gave me a talk after I woke up with dried tears on my cheeks, assuring me that there was nothing wrong with how I was feeling. And I didn't understand why he continually berated Alex's actions, as if they were wrong, as if I didn't deserve it.

He wrapped a blanket around my shoulders, his eyes lined with something sad and unreadable. I didn't like that. He seemed more nervous, constantly playing with the edges of his long-sleeved shirts. Was I the one making him anxious? I couldn't bear to think about that, I couldn't bear to hurt him.

But holy shit, he made me smile like no one else. On our way to his work- he wanted to check on his case- he cracked silly jokes, his arm slung around my shoulders. And I laughed, he was hilarious, who wouldn't? But he helped make me feel better, even if it was only for a little while.

My phone had been buzzing off the hook, texts, and calls from Alex. I couldn't look at them. I couldn't do it, my heart would drop in my chest, I hated what I had done so much. Thomas assured me with a nervous gaze that I could see Alex if I promised to be safe. I knew Thomas was worried, but I couldn't leave Alex! There was always a gamble being with him, but I would go through anything for my fiancé.

I... I hoped this situation didn't change what we were to each other. But I didn't deserve Alex, he should leave me and find somebody better than whatever I am.

I was tugged away from my thoughts by Thomas flicking me painlessly on the forehead. 

"Anybody in there? Oh, wait, there he is!" Thomas laughed, shrugging off his coat and taking mine. "You looked sad, and whenever I'm sad, I eat gummy staplers. Need one?"

I snorted, nudging him playfully. "I'm good, thanks for this again. Are you sure that you don't have any meetings or anything?"

He nodded, his eyes lighting up excitedly. "Bossman is gonna let me take that kid's case! I'm fuckin' pumped, I'm gonna keep him safe no matter what! I'm not sure if he'll be staying in my care or not, but I bought a shit ton of toys for six-year-olds. Google helped me- I can't take all the credit."

A genuine smile made its way into my lips, and I high-fived out of excitement. I didn't know how to sweep him up into a hug as he did for me, plus he was more than a foot taller than me! But damn! I was happy for him!

"That's great!" I exclaimed, overjoyed to see him so excited. "I have a bunch of little siblings, I could give you some advice, er, what's the boy's name?"

"That'd be great, shit, and he's named Pater! And he's adorable, and I've seen too many episodes of Criminal Minds, so I'll keep an eye on him, always." His excitement was replaced with a frown. "Er, but I gotta find someone to interview me mentally. Our psychologist left and we've got some candidates, but that'll take too long."

"Wait, you guys need a psychologist? Uh, I almost have my-"

"- doctorate in psychology!" Thomas finished, the smile bouncing back onto his face as he stood up, beginning to pace. "This could work, this could work! If I can get Washington to accept you as our new psychologist for those on trial, or you could interview me as your first job, I could get that kid to safety, and you could work here if you wanted! If not, I could totally write a letter of recommendation-"

I cut him off with a laugh. He always got so excited. Once he started there was no chance he could stop, and that's what I adored about him. But it was a good idea and the idea of working with Thomas here... But Alex wouldn't like that. Maybe I could talk to him about it?

"That would actually be... Seriously amazing." Thomas nodded, and I braced myself for the worst words I would say. I knew he would frown if I brought up my fiancé, and I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't just leave Alex in the dark. "Er- I've actually been looking for a career like that, uh, I don't know how comfortable Alex would be with it though?"

Thomas glanced away, his face falling and my heart gave a fearsome twist. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. Do you drink whiskey?"

I snorted, desperately trying to mask my anxiety. "Not... Not really, er, do you guys have that in the vending machines too?"

Thomas chuckled, easing my heart rate as he gestured to a bottle of whiskey in his desk drawer, before pouring himself some. It was amazing to see him acting so... Natural. He had told me about this, whenever he had difficult conversations, about once a week, he'd have whiskey. It was his favorite after all, and he could definitely hold his liquor.

But I was waiting to be screamed at. I didn't know why, but every time he moved I would flinch- I was ready to be hit. I braced myself as I sat down, Thomas settling down next to me, and I could feel my heart throb in my chest.

But all he did was wrap his hand around my own comfortingly, his eyes pleading. "James, sorry to keep doin' these dramatic talks, but I'm worried."

My heart lodged in my throat, tears threatening to well up in my eyes. God, I had been crying so often lately, I was ridiculous.

"James, you gotta hear this, I'm just really freaked out. But I want to take you to court. I wanna take you and Alex to court to be more specific, because I think it'd be a good idea for you to see what Alex is doing to you. He's manipulating you pretty boy, and it's not your fault, and I want you to see that. What do you say?"

"Absolutely not."

My voice was surprisingly clear, despite the tears in my eyes. I was appalled- I wasn't being manipulated, I wasn't being abused! Why couldn't Thomas see that? I had to get back to Alex, shit, I thought I could trust Thomas. He was the one manipulating me! I jerked away from him, grabbing my coat from his hanger. 

"James, wait!" Thomas exclaimed, rushing into place next to me. "I didn't mean to-"

"Thomas, I love Alex! I don't know why you keep thinking that I don't, but we're getting married. And I don't know what it's like in your world, but he's allowed to get angry, and at least he's not scared to show how he's feeling!"

"James, he's making you terrified! He just cheated on you, and you want to go back to him! You have new bruises and wounds every time I see you, and I want to help! Alex is a horrible person-"

"He is not!" I shouted, rage bubbling up inside of me. "I love him- I-I want to be with him! He's the only thing that makes sense in this stupid world, he knows what's best for me! I'm going home, to Alex, where I belong."

Thomas scowled, taking a step back. "James, you know that you're in constant danger with Alex. I want to help! You shouldn't be terrified every time you go home, that's not how a relationship works."

"Stop it!" I hissed, tears blazing in my eyes. "Just stop it! Alex was right about you- you're just using me. I should've listened to him- Alex was right. At least he knows what I deserve!"

"James, he's treating you horribly, you deserve so much better-!"

"Thomas, listen to me! I don't! And I love Alex, and I never want to see you again. You've been using me this entire time- I have nothing Thomas, why do you try to take from me? What do you want?"

"James, I want to help you-"

I laughed painfully, gripping the door handle. "As if- you know what? I'm leaving. I'm going back to Alex."

"James!"

I slammed the door before I could hear another lie from him. I was horrible and this proved it- this proved it so much. Tears blazed in my eyes as my mind ran through the horrible things I've done. Last night, I was debating whether or not to kiss Thomas- what the fuck was wrong with me? 

I got out of there as soon as I possibly could, rushing out the door. Shit, shit! Thank god my car was here from our trip to the mall yesterday before- no. It wasn't Alex's fault. It never was. So, I got into the driver's seat and promptly burst into tears.

Goddamnit-! I needed to shut the fuck up! Thomas didn't care, Alex cared. I had to get those words into my stupid head, nobody cared, only Alex did. I was alone. It was for the best that Alex cared, I was lucky he was there to keep me in line! But I was so sure that Thomas... That Thomas maybe cared too.

No. No. Thomas didn't care, no matter how kind his words were, no matter how much his touch affected me. I raked my fingers down my arms, doubling over in pain as I stopped at a red light. Tears blurred my vision even as I pulled into the driveway of Alex and I's house, god, how I missed this.

I scrubbed my cheeks clean, taking shuddering breaths in order to gain some sort of control. My fingers ached with empty desire, pulsing at the word. I wanted some control, and that's what Thomas gave me. But now, I was so alone, it hurt. 

I ran a hand through my hair, gulping in hair. I had to do this! I loved Alexander, I needed to see him more than anything, so why was I hesitating? I shoved away the thoughts, reluctantly getting out of my seat and knocking on his door. I mean- our door. Our home.

The door opened, and my heart dropped in my chest.

"James. Holy shit." 

Alexander stood there, half-dressed, hair messy, and eyes red from crying. Holy shit. I was right. Alex cared about me- he cared! I don't know why I doubted it- I had missed this.

Alex grabbed me by the shoulders, tugging me in for a tight embrace. I let out a deep breath, but oddly enough, I was unable to relax into him. "James, oh my god. You're such a dumbass- what were you doin' at the mall?"

I bit my lip in anxiety, and we shuffled into the room Alex's hand gripped tightly around my own. I had forgotten about that- I mean, I remembered the... Cheating and all of that but I forgot why I was there. I was with... Thomas. Did Alex know that?

"Sit," he commanded and I complied, bouncing my knee nervously. "Who was at the mall with you? Was that Thomas? Were you cheating on me?"

He stood over me, hands on his hips- and suddenly a memory flashed into my brain. Thomas had been telling me about the power stance- it made you appear more confident. When he made me stand on the table and say things that I liked about myself... Did Thomas care about me then?

"No- no," I insisted quietly, being sure not to freak him out. But my mind clawed at itself, what about the guy he was with? No- no! I couldn't think about that, I deserved that pain anyway. "It... It was indeed Thomas, but we just happened to run into each other at the mall, I was, uh, just looking around."

He cocked his head, a glint of anger in his eyes. "No, you weren't. And tell me- who the hell did you go home with last night?"

"I-I stayed at a hotel," I mumbled, Alex's grip on my hand going painfully tight. "I promise."

"Oh, wow. Your word means so much to me," he hissed sarcastically, a sharp spike of distress hitting my hand as he squeezed. "You're always such a shitty liar and such a whore. I thought my fiancé would be better than this."

"I'm sorry," I pleaded softly, my voice unable to go any higher. From crying so much beforehand, I could hardly speak. "I'm sorry Alex, it-it'll never happen again. I'm back now, I'm s-sorry, I didn't mean to be such a slut."

"At least you know your place," he tutted, running his hands through his messy hair before settling down next to me. "And what you saw yesterday didn't happen, okay? That was just a friend of mine, you weren't supposed to see it."

"I'm sorry," I managed out again, running my nails lightly over the scratches on my arms. "It'll never happen again, um, I'm glad to see you again. And while we're chatting, uh, I think I found a job!"

He raised his eyebrows, unconvinced. "Alright, hurry up."

I smiled, clinging to the stray bit of hope I had found. "Uh, it's a psychology position at a law firm where I'll be able to meet lots of different people, from lots of backgrounds and-"

"You think I'm goin' to let you do that?" Alex scowled, and I suddenly felt helpless under his gaze. "You don't even have to work, I'm a senator anyway, but you can't be a freeloader, duh. So just do... Things? I don't know, you can figure it out, right?"

I nodded, my heart clenching in my chest. And suddenly, my mind flickered back to my lips on Thomas' skin from the night before, and my stomach dropped with guilt. I had to tell Alex the truth, I couldn't keep going on like this. Relationships were about communication!

"But, uh, if I were to work there-" the words got stuck in my throat. "I heard about the opportunity from Thomas, so I, uh, would be working with him."

"Fuck no!" Alex hissed, his voice rising. "James, I knew it. Whore. You were with Thomas last night, weren't you? Don't even answer, I already know. Goddamnit, you slept with him, didn't you?"

"N-No, of course not!"

"Oh shut up," Alex glared, twisting his hand up in my shirt's collar, making me whimper in pain. "Come on slut, let's go see who you really belong to."

I could feel his fingers pinch at my skin, bruising it with no doubt. I knew what was going to happen, I knew it, and I couldn't let him do this. But Alex loved me, it's not as if I didn't want to do it, Alex was just... Intense. But I could hear Thomas' words echoing in my head, that I was scared when I was with Alex. I wasn't scared, was I?

I looked up at Alex, who was holding me by the wrist with just a little too much force, marching me upstairs to our room. And I let him. 

And then it hit me. I was scared of Alex.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extreme trigger warning!  
> In this chapter, there are many mentions of sexual assault, and I strongly encourage to stay safe (and seek support, if needed!) if this puts you in any sort of unsafe situation. The way I portrayed the survivor’s thoughts in this case, may not be correct, but I do not mean to harm anyone!  
> Please stay safe, and please let me know if you need to chat!  
> Take care!  
> <3

I didn't know where else to go. 

It was as if I were possessed, as I grabbed handfuls of clothes, shoving them into my suitcase, making sure to be silent. I was crying, after all, it was pretty difficult. I couldn't look at the sleeping figure on the bed, I couldn't do it anymore. I collected up my things, got in my car, and drove to Thomas' office. I knew he wouldn't be at home- he never was.

But after I knocked on his door, and collapsed into his arms, I knew that Thomas was right. I knew it all along, didn't I? My mind was foggy- too hazy to see through. A maze, ah, I wasn't good at those.

"James? Holy shit! Are you okay, oh god, what happened to you?" Thomas exclaimed, flicking on the light, as I buried my face into his chest. Another one of these emotional shocks, eh? "Come 'ere, come on, let's sit down."

I let him lead me wordlessly to his couch, setting me down as he babbled in the kind way he did. Thomas ran his fingers over the vague bruising around my neck, checking the new wounds on my skin, and I stared at the wall. This seemed to be too much- it's as if I were watching a movie, I wasn't really in my body. I knew what happened, I was painfully aware of it, but I couldn't understand. Why didn't I understand?

"James," Thomas breathed out, grasping my hand tightly. "Look at me? James, come on, what happened?"

I shook my head, foreign tears welling up in my eyes. His touch burned. It had never done that before- I was so scared. He was still talking, but those were the only words that went through my head- I couldn't hear him.

"I didn't know where else to go," I whispered, my throat hoarse and painful. But Thomas continued to stroke his thumb over my knuckles, eyes waiting. "Sorry."

"Hey, hey. Don't apologize at all, nothin' to say sorry for anyway. Wanna tell me what happened pretty boy? It is two am, I was not expecting visitors at this time."

"Well, Alex-" my throat clogged up. Why couldn't I get the words out? "Alex did to me what I deserved."

Thomas' lips opened in shock, shaking his head viciously. "No, no. Not at all, you don't deserve anythin' bad, okay James? What happened? Do you think you can talk about it?"

"Well- I do deserve it." Thomas shook his head, but I continued before he could speak. I leaned my body against Thomas', trying to ignore the tremors. "But Alex took me by the wrist and we went upstairs and..."

I told him a vague story, but it didn't seem that it really happened. I didn't remember, but the words flowed out effortlessly, despite the lack of details. But as I told it, Thomas covered his mouth, tears forming in his eyes before slipping down his cheeks. Why was he crying?

"... But Alex is my fiancé," I finished, settling into the couch cushions tiredly. I was so exhausted. "So nothing I didn't deserve."

It was a few beats before he spoke.

"James," he whispered, his eyes wide, still shining with tears. "That's _rape_."

"No, no," I said easily, running my fingers through my hair. The word didn't quite reach my ears, but it sounded like a terrifying word. It was such a horrible one. "He's my fiancé, it's not... That."

"James, we need to get you to a hospital. Right now." Thomas' voice was suddenly stern, and I was standing again, his strong arm wrapped around my waist. 

"No, no. It's okay. I'm so tired, please, I want to go back to bed." Thomas shook his head sadly, and I began to cry. "Please. Let me sleep, please."

"Pretty boy, I'm so sorry. We're going to get you to a hospital, and then you can sleep all day tomorrow. Sound good?" My body shook with ugly sobs, I was so tired. I didn't want to stay awake. "James, we need to get you there, as soon as possible."

"Why?" I pleaded, trying to stay quiet as Thomas pressed his hands against my cheeks, keeping me steady. "Why? I want to go to sleep, Thomas, please."

"James," Thomas pressed, each word enunciated, not letting me lie down. I wanted to sleep- my head was spinning. "You were just raped, and we need to get help."

The same terrifying word rang in my ears, and I promptly passed out.

By the time I opened my eyes, it was light out.

Or er- no? Was that... It was a shiny aluminum surface, the blaring of noise and when I tried to cover my ears, I realized my arms were restrained. Oh, hell no. And so were my legs! Goddamnit, was I dreaming? This seemed more like a nightmare, I wasn't a fan of whatever this was.

But the pain felt all too real, my neck hurt viciously, just like my head. I rolled my gaze from side to side, sweeping my stare over the medicine, an empty syringe and then... Thomas.

"Thomas," I tried to say, but my voice only made a pathetic squeak. But a sad, red-eyed Thomas glanced up, smiling tiredly. What was wrong? Had he been crying? "What's wrong? Don't cry, please."

He looked away from me up to a lady dressed in white, and I realized my words hadn't come out. "He's awake."

There was a vague mumbling, and I was suddenly painfully aware of the burning on my neck. Jeez- did I fall or something? And by then, I was pretty sure I was in an ambulance, what for? I didn't know- all I knew was that I was freaking out. Why was Thomas looking so sad?

"Thomas," I managed out again, the word sounding more familiar. "What's going on?"

"James," he said smoothly, moving his hand across my wet cheeks. Had I been crying? "Alright- that time I did understand you-" he cracked a grin- "I'm relieved you're alright. Like seriously. When you passed out, I almost let you fall 'cause I was freakin' out, but don't worry- I caught you. So no broken bones is what I'm crossing my fingers for!"

His personality was absolutely his own, and I felt a smile form on my face. Glad that didn't change. But his eyes were red, and the nurses were bustling about, one of them messing with my opposite arm. But his words didn't make sense. So, I had fallen, but why was Thomas there?

"Thomas- can you stay with me? I genuinely don't have a clue what's goin' on, but my heart feels like it's a black hole." I snorted. "So that's probably not good."

"Pretty boy, all your letters sound like w's, and half the sentence was mumbling." He laughed, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "But what I did understand was the 'stay with me' part, and absolutely James. Okay, so we're going to the hospital right now, and you're getting some morphine in your other arm, don't worry though. Do you... Do you remember what's going on?"

I shook my head; I couldn't remember a thing. What did I have for breakfast this morning? And why did Thomas look so sad? I didn't like that at all- but my vision was getting cloudy again.

"Sleepy," I explained, trying to stay awake. Why this type of painkiller? Morphine was known for how tired it made you- I didn't want to sleep. "Hand."

And thank god. Thomas understood. He nodded, intertwining his fingers with my own, a familiar warmth resting against me. That was better, and closing my eyes for a moment wouldn't be horrible, I supposed. 

"Get some rest, we're just making sure you're safe. I'll be there when you wake up, you won't miss my handsome face for too long."

I made a hopefully laugh-like noise, giving his hand a tight squeeze. Thomas smiled so sadly, returning to his corner, still holding my hand. He looked so sad, but he didn't let go. I closed my eyes again, my hand falling limp, but still, was held up.

No doubt that it was Thomas. 

I was crying before I even woke up. 

Tears formed under my eyelids, them slipping down my face as I went over the previous night's events. Or day's- I wasn't sure. But the first noise out of my mouth was a violent sob, and I jerked out of the tight sheets, a scream stuck in my throat. 

I was raped. By Alex. The word still sounded terrifying, nothing had changed with that. And the way Thomas said it, it was as if it wasn't my fault and it was like I had gotten through it in one piece. But it didn't make sense! Alex was my fiancé, so it wasn't rape, right? But I couldn't explain it- it was despair, horror in my heart, so deep in there it would never be taken out. I knew that. 

In short- I had been used, taken advantage of and violated, by my fiancé. It didn't sound right. Alex loved me. But the fear I had felt when he put his hands around my neck-

"Pretty boy!"

My thoughts were interrupted and I let out another yelp, cracking an eye open to see a familiar fluffy-haired man. I relaxed, pressing an aching hand to my mouth to seal away more cries from getting out. But not everything had come back yet, the pain hadn't hit yet.

"Woah, woah woah. Don't worry James, it's just me. I'm eatin' Jello," Thomas soothed, sitting back down into his chair. "I won't freak you out too much, the cafeteria has fantastic Jello."

"I-Is there anymore Jello?" I grumbled, rubbing my eyes as my vision focused on a very red-eyed Thomas. He laughed, palming at his cheeks as he rested his chin on the edge of the bed. "Why do you look so sad?"

He smiled softly, giving my head a pat, but retracted his hand after a violent flinch. "Your words sound all wobbly. How are you feeling? In that pretty head of yours?"

I began to cry.

"James, no, I'm sorry!" He exclaimed, taking a scoot away from my bed. "I'm sorry, don't cry. I didn't mean to-"

"N-no, it's okay," I mumbled, palming at my cheeks. Why was I losing control like this? My hands suddenly pulsed with pain. It always seemed like control was just out of reach- I hated it. "You're right, my voice is wobbly. It's just really difficult to explain a-and I don't understand. I feel... horribly dirty. That's the first word that comes to mind. I-I'm- no. I... I don't know. I'm sorry."

Thomas frowned, shaking his head. But I felt a pit of anger inside of me. If it really was rape, then why didn't I fight back? I had consented to it before, so that didn't count, did it? But more than anything, I wanted to get clean. I suddenly felt so damn dirty, oh god, but it wasn't really rape, was it? Why did I feel like this? I wanted to scrub my skin off, and shower until I was clean. Until every single touch was gone.

"Pretty boy, don't apologize. You've gone through some serious shit, and I'm not leaving you now. I haven't failed you before." I smiled weakly, rage simmering in me as I leaned back against my pillows. My entire body was sore. And I couldn't breathe. What did Thomas want from me? This time, I truly had nothing. What could anyone take?

Even Thomas' calm touches scared me. Why was I so afraid? All I wanted to do was cry, and take shower upon shower until I couldn't feel the dirt. In other words, I felt gross. 

"James? Do you need me to get a nurse?" Thomas asked, his words panicked as I pinched my fingers against my arm quickly. If I couldn't scratch, what was I supposed to do? But the burning was mostly around my neck- and I landed my nails onto my skin. "James, no."

He wrapped his hand around my wrist, and I let out a violent shriek, Thomas letting go quickly. No, no! No! Why did I feel so dirty? I drew my knees up to my chin, trying to take deep breaths. Thomas was going to run from me, wasn't he? He hated me now! Everyone did, oh god- it wasn't rape! Alex was my fiancé!

Holding hands with Thomas had always seemed natural, he was incredibly affectionate but all I was now was scared, so unbelievably terrified. A bitter, cold feeling lodged itself in my heart- I couldn't do this. I had lost so much, why now Thomas? I was unbelievably ashamed, my skin crawling with disgust- I couldn't look at him. 

"James, look at me. Look me in the eye," Thomas said smoothly, leaning back towards my bed. I tried to meet his gaze, but tremors shot up and down my spine, oh please no. It was just Thomas! There was no reason to be afraid, but what if- "James, what's something small that Alex never did with you?"

I was shaking, my eyes blurring with tears. No! What? I couldn't hear him quite right, god, my body felt so gross, and so horribly disgusting and I wanted to rip it all off! "I don't know! There was so much we didn't do! We didn't go out on dates, we didn't buy gifts for each other, we didn't take walks and hold hands like those cheesy hallmark channel movies- oh my god- Thomas-"

"I know James, okay, what was that again? You didn't take walks and..."

"... We didn't take w-walks together, er, we didn't hold hands?"

"There it is, okay, you didn't hold hands with him? Alex didn't take that from you. Alex didn't take anything from you. And we're going to get that jerk out of your mind, so James. We're gonna start slow."

He put his hand out like he's done so many times before. But it wasn't the same- yet all too familiar. Our fingertips touched gently, and I slid my shaking hand onto his. More tears welled up in my eyes, dripping onto the paper towel like hospital sheets. 

"There we go," Thomas said, a satisfied smile set perfectly on his features as he laced his fingers with my own. "Not too bad."

"Not too bad," I chuckled painfully, my voice watery. It helped, but the support was so minuscule I wanted to cry. This should've been huge! I was holding hands with somebody, but I couldn't feel anything! What was wrong with me? Nothing anyone would ever do could fix me. "God, your hand is sweaty as hell."

"My bad, my bad," Thomas laughed, switching hands, wiping it on his shirt and then lacing it back. "There, better?"

"Much better- o-oh, don't tell me your feet are that sweaty too."

I let out a wavering- and hysterical- laugh, Thomas raising an eyebrow, a small smirk on his face. "It's a condition, actually!" 

"Mhm, sure, I'll believe that when I see the records." I grinned slightly, exhausted from my day. Or night. Speaking of which. "Uh, what time is it?"

"Well, my brave and strong one-" his words made me snort, the fear lessening for a brief moment- "it is about six am."

"Shit! It is? I mean, don't you have things you need to do? Lawyer stuff?" A shiver went up my spine, the gross feeling returning. "I'm probably just going to sleep, you need to get some too, of course."

I didn't know what was going on inside my mind. If Thomas slept here, no doubt I would keep one eye open. I knew Thomas posed no threat, but what if he tried to do something? But if Thomas left, I'd freak out too. What if someone tried to get in? And would this always happen? 

He nodded thoughtfully, glancing from the couch to the door and back to me. "I think I'm goin' to get some shut-eye, I'm fuckin' exhausted. Not your fault though, just too much paperwork. Where would you be cool with me sleeping?"

My lips parted in surprise. Why would he ask? I was starting to suspect Thomas could read minds, and oh shit, I didn't know how I would react to that. But the way he asked- completely casual- struck something inside me.

"Uh, I-I'm not sure." I glanced around, Thomas' face never wavering. "Erm, this is really stupid but would it be okay if you slept outside the door? Shit, I'm sorry, that sounds really mean, I'm sorry-"

"James, hey," Thomas said, giving my hand a squeeze. "Don't apologize. I'm gonna be right out there, whatever makes you comfortable. Can I come in if anything happens or?"

Nightmares. I knew what he was talking about. Rape was a traumatic event, and it caused PTSD, anxiety, and depression. And not to mention the panic attacks, nightmares, and even debilitating flashbacks. But still, was it really rape? I couldn't get that question out of my stupid, horrible head. It was my fiancé, and it had happened so often! So it wasn't, right!

"Y-Yeah, you can come in, it's okay," I said softly, Thomas letting go of my hand to gather up blankets, but damn. I needed the touch, I didn't want to let go. "I'm kind of disgusting, I feel so dirty. I wonder if they have showers here."

"James, that's completely natural. You're healing, and you're getting through this. And you're pretty much stuck with me, so I ain't leavin' your side! And they probably do have some showers, I'll check it out." His kind words made a lump in my throat appear. Why the hell was I so emotional? I was never like this- what was wrong with me? "Need any blankets?"

I swallowed heavily, shaking my head. It was unbelievably painful. Thomas' eyes softened sadly, adjusting his sleeves before stepping towards the door. My breathing began to go quick and shallow, holy shit, what was going on?

"I'm goin' to be right outside, throw somethin' on the ground if you need me," he grinned to lighten the mood. I felt awful, but Thomas was trying to help- I knew that. "I'm going to be right outside."

"Thomas, I can't do this, I'm so scared." My words came out rushed and panicked as he spun back towards me, and I began to sob. "I hate everything I am- I'm so gross! I'm so disgusting and I can't get it out of my head! I was losing control- and I don't know, was it rape? Thomas, I'm so terrified."

"I know, I know pretty boy," Thomas soothed, pulling his chair back to the edge of my bed before putting his hand out for me to take. "Hand? Good, good. I'm not leaving your side, I'm here for you. What's goin' through your head right now?"

"It hurts," I sobbed out, squeezing his hand urgently. I wanted to touch him- I needed him to hold me, but I knew that it would burn. "It hurts so bad and I don't know why."

"James, it's not your fault. Being raped is never the survivor's fault. It doesn't matter what you were wearing or what you said-"

I let out a violent cry, a nurse bustling in and asking Thomas something before turning up some sort of machine. "It is! It's my fault- god, I'm so stupid."

"No- no, you are not, it's not your fault. I'm going to stay right here, and okay, here. What's your favorite show? We're going to relax, you need some sleep and we'll deal with it together."

I shook my head, groping at the sheets, wild with fear. "Thomas, I don't know, I'm freaking out and Alex- h-he-"

"I believe you, and what happened to you is not okay." I tried to protest, but Thomas shook his head, adjusting the pillows under me so I was more comfortable. "Jems, I want you to close your eyes. And you might see bad stuff- but know the second you open your eyes, I'll be right here."

"T-Thomas-"

"Please James. Just one thing. And the nurse gave you some sleeping medicine, you think you can do the starting step? It's about you, you're in control." I nodded frantically, biting back a cry. But the idea of being in control, it was one I had battled for years. "There we go, you're doin' awesome."

Thomas turned the television on, giving background noise to my terror. I clasped his hand tightly as I closed my eyes, darkness no longer comforting. I couldn't let go. 

My heart fell to steady patter after almost twenty minutes of gasping in air, and of course, Thomas giving me gentle squeezes. "You're doing great, get some sleep pretty boy. I'm here for you."

And even after my cries, he stayed. Even after everything- my disgust with myself, my anger and sadness, and then pure shame- he didn't leave me.

And he didn't let go of my hand.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> This chapter will include the same mature, detailed themes as the last, including sexual assault and various mentions of self harm, and suicide attempts.  
> Please stay safe!

The next three days were arguably the worst days of my entire life.

And considering that I was asleep for a third of that time, it seemed worse.

I woke up at every hour of the day, crying violently until I'd go back to being numb, most likely waking other patients up with my wails. I had to be restrained multiple times- I had been picking at the wounds around my arms, and the one that had formed on my face. I was gross! How could I not? I couldn't explain how awful I felt inside- I couldn't explain the desire to rip a human being to shreds. And who was that person? I didn't even know, it was horrible. My head was filled with intrusive memories, vicious desires to open the window and run.

But then, Thomas was there.

He'd hold my hand comfortingly and promised we were making some sort of progress even though I didn't believe him. In between my sobs, Thomas would walk me around the hospital, his arm around my shoulder. And he slept with his head resting on the bed, dark circles under his eyes. Why did he care so much?

I ran my hand over his curly locks sometime during the third day, smiling. It was my first smile in days- it was borderline painful. But Thomas assured me that I was healing, giving me a touch on my shoulder- so the physical stuff was improving?

Occasionally, a young lady would stop by, dark hair reaching mid-back in her signature pink dresses. She was the one I had met so long ago, at some sort of blurry memory when I wasn't aware of such pain. And I could tell she was there for something else besides bringing over documents for Thomas.

But as long as Thomas was there, I seemed to be safe.

"Good morning, pretty boy!" Thomas exclaimed cheerfully, opening the curtains and light poured through the window. "Ready to get out of this dump?"

I groaned, my entire body sore as I sat up. "Hell yeah. I feel like bein' here doesn't help too much. And a nurse walked in while I was showering last night and thought I had escaped." Thomas laughed warmly, and I couldn't contain my watery smile. "You're very chipper today," I noted, "somethin' good happen? Not that I'm complaining, of course."

"I'm glad to see you doing better," Thomas said, satisfaction sweeping across his features. Well... I wasn't exactly doing much better. The nightmares wouldn't stop for at least a couple more months, same with the shame. But I didn't want to disappoint Thomas if that was even possible- but did Thomas even like me? Did he think I was disgusting? "Have you- er- has any thought on what you wanna do? Legal wise? I can sue his ass, and of course, take him to court-"

I shook my head sadly, and shrugged. I was being a jerk and I knew it, but I felt so utterly powerless to change sometimes. "I... I'm not sure. I'm still stuck on the thing if it was actually bad or not-" Thomas frowned- "but, maybe. I want to know why he did it at least, and I don't want him to do it to anyone else..."

Thomas smiled, tilting his head quizzically. "You're such a good person, James. It's scary how kind you are sometimes."

"Huh? Seriously? Excuse you, I am one hundred and ten pounds of pure fury!"

"Mhm," Thomas purred, giving me a gentle touch on the head. "And five four. And still very cute!" Before I could respond to his insanely nice response, the same woman walked in. "And James- I'd like you to meet Angelica! She's the lady who's been bustlin' around here for the past few days."

"Hello, Mr. Madison," she said neatly, keeping a distance. "Do you think I could ask you a couple of questions?"

I nervously glanced to Thomas, my stomach turning. What kind of questions? Was I in trouble? But Thomas gave me a grin, gesturing towards the couch squished into the corner of the room.

"It's okay James, she's here to help. You can talk as much or as little as you want, and I'm gonna go take a nap." I chuckled- Thomas loved his sleep. "And I'll be right there, and do you think she can sit in my usual chair?"

I nodded, the lady taking a seat very close to me. Uh oh. I did not like that, but her eyes gazed at me with nothing but kindness. And Thomas settled down in his chair, and I smiled tiredly. I was exhausted, but I hadn't been thinking about the... Situation as much. Progress, perhaps?

"Mr. Madison, how are you feeling?" She asked, smoothing out her pink skirt. "My name is Ms. Schuyler, I work in sex crimes, but Thomas and I have been stuck together for a while."

"How, uh, how do you know Thomas?" I asked, trying to contain a vicious bud of jealousy for a woman I just met. I had practically attached onto Thomas, I was horribly dependent on the man. And who wouldn't? He was wonderful! But I had been getting... Unidentifiable feelings for Thomas lately, and it made me feel so gross. It wasn't his fault but the last time I had felt like that...

"We dated for a bit." My heart dropped pathetically, my thoughts disappearing before Alex could appear. "But we're friends, and that was long ago. Thank you for keeping an eye on him, he talks about you a lot. I'm glad to see you leaving the hospital!"

I tried to smile, but it faltered. She talked about him so sadly, and what did she mean? 'Keeping an eye on him?' I wasn't sure what it meant, but Angelica seemed nice. Come on! Social skills, please work for once!

"Erm, thank you, hah-" I glanced towards the sleeping figure on the couch- "he can sleep pretty hard. I'm sorry if I'm being kind of weird, I'm just-"

"I understand. James, you're going through a period of rape recovery called outward adjustment at the moment. But you've made it through the acute phase- you're doing well. Outward adjustment is before you understand what happened- you may feel numb to the situation, like it didn't happen. And then, you'll go through the integration phase which will have your emotions being very intense."

Holy shit. That was blunt. Very blunt. Was that actually real? I never took any courses in college about this, but I knew about the phases after a traumatic event- but holy shit. Is that what was going on? Because some moments I was so sure it happened, and some, I'm pretty sure it didn't. But of course, tears formed in my eyes like the baby I was. Did it really happen?

"Mr. Madison, I'm sorry, here, to you need me to get Thomas? I thought you needed to hear it, but I'm sorry if that was too straightforward! I'm here for you if you need counseling, which is seriously recommended, so is Thomas."

I hiccuped, wiping at my eyes. "No, no. It's alright, I've been so unsteady lately." She nodded, giving me a 'that's natural' look as my thoughts spun. "I don't want to wake Thomas up, h-he's been so helpful lately."

She sighed, glancing towards the occupied couch. "I'm glad. He always seems to be better when he has something to focus on. Ever since his attempt he's been so tired, but he's come a long way. The whole bureau is proud of him."

“His attempt? What-What do you mean?"

"Oh!" She exclaimed, covering her mouth. "I don't know if I'm the one who should talk about it, but when Thomas was younger, a few years ago, he was a lot worse. He still has the scars from it, which explains his long sleeved shirts. But if you ask Thomas about it at a good time, I'm sure he'd be alright with talking about it."

I pressed my hands against my mouth, terror wracking through me. Wait, wait, woah- attempt. A suicide attempt. No. Thomas got to the point in his life where he didn't want to live anymore- I suddenly felt horrible. I had been taking advantage of Thomas. Oh god, oh god! I knew I wasn't ready to hug anyone yet, I knew that, but I felt a sudden urge to hold him so tightly. I could've never met Thomas. He could have died.

"James, I'm sorry," Angelica said, shaking her head. "I shouldn't have brought it up. It's a complicated part of his past."

I took deep breaths, staring at the sleeping figure. Not Thomas. I couldn't let anything happen to Thomas but how could I when I was... Like this? Immobilized with fear, nervous and ashamed with every corner I turned. Horribly, disgustingly ashamed. I wanted to claw my skin off and erase every single touch laid on me- I couldn't do this. I needed to keep Thomas safe, but I was broken. A broken soldier couldn't fight.

"It's okay, uh, thank you for letting me know." I didn't want to talk about it anymore, it felt like invading Thomas' privacy. But oh god, I needed to make sure he was alright! Why was I always thinking about myself? “Um, why did you need to meet with me?"

"Well, Thomas had this idea that may help. Though he's a huge dork and a jerk at times, I can't lie, he's smart. If you let him take you to court against Alexander, he could do a series of interviews with Alex, and various people in your life. But, he just wants to help out. What do you think?"

I made a decision then. I owed it to Thomas, I owed it to myself. I didn't understand the past few days, and I was going insane! I needed a solution- nothing made sense! And I wanted to get out of this 'outward adjustment' phase- I rather have intense emotions about it than nothing at all!

"Okay."

"Really? You'll do it?" Her eyes lit up happily, and she pulled out a clipboard, balancing a phone on one shoulder, dialing quickly. "And James, we can stop whenever you want- would you prefer to do some sort of interview now, but I do understand if not- you're getting out today after all."

"Maybe a short one, uh, Thomas was going to help me move, but, I don't know if he'll be waking up anytime soon." I trailed off, my gaze pointed at his covered wrists. "But he needs the rest."

"He does," she said softly, tilting her head, just like Thomas did. "But James, I do need to know, when Alex is there, and we'll most likely bring John in. The man Alex cheated on you with. But do you want to stay there? Thomas is our lead interrogator, he gets pretty terrifying, it's interesting to see it. We won't let Alex see you- Thomas isn't going to let anyone touch you with permission, of course." 

"I-I, yeah. I want to be there, please. I want to get it over with," I mumbled, running my fingers over the budding scar on my cheek. How on earth did I get that one? "Anything else?"

"Nope! You're good! I'm gonna head out, my sister has her hands full with her kid at the moment, I need to check in." She stood up, reaching out to shake my hand, but I flinched away. She smiled a tight grin, waving instead. "Thank you for your time Mr. Madison. I will see you soon?"

I nodded, surprised at how quick she departed. I felt a sudden bitter shame, did she leave because of me? But the smile she gave as she walked out, heels clicking behind her, it said otherwise. 

Sunlight filtered through the window, highlighting all of Thomas' perfections. Ah, damn it. This was the best I had felt in so long- under such terrible circumstances. So yeah, I hadn't been feeling too well, and I wouldn't for a long, long while. I knew that.

I got dressed in the bathroom after my thoughts got too vicious to handle, and when I looked in the mirror, I didn't recognize the face looking back.

My cheeks had become borderline hollow, the darkness under my eyes more prominent than usual- I looked so tired. But it didn't compare to how I felt. A scar was forming on my left cheek, and a vicious shiver went through my spine. Oh god. I remembered that part. Alex had been a little too rough and-

I inhaled. No no, please no. I didn't want to think about it! Why couldn't my brain understand that? And if it really was rape, then every single time was rape. What did that make me? I began to cry- propping myself up on the sink, annoyed that I had been so babyish lately. What the hell? Please no, I hated this. My mood flipped like a switch! God no, please no. Mood swings were a symptom- but I felt like damaged goods. Severely damaged goods- shattered.

I took desperate breaths, my mind spinning about everything. About Thomas, about Alex, and about everything. Oh god. I kept disappointing Thomas and Alex and- I didn't even know what was going on with Alex! Were we still fiancés? What about the wedding? What about everything that we had had-

Knuckles tapped against the door. 

I slammed myself against the wall, trying to make myself as small as possible. God- it was Alex, wasn't it? I couldn't see him, I wasn't ready, I had to think, think, think! Why couldn't I figure this out? I had to-

"James? You okay in there? Can I come in?"

Thomas' warm voice rippled through the air, my shoulders relaxing, but I could still feel the terror. What if he wanted to hurt me? But it was Thomas. He hadn't hurt me before, but what if-

I didn't recognize my own voice as it rang out, strangled and in pain. "Y-Yeah."

The door unlocked warily, and Thomas had woken up, sleep still heavy in his gaze. But the second we made eye contact, everything Angelica said came rushing back. My memories had been horrible lately- repressing all the wrong things! 

But as I looked at him, I realized that he wouldn't have been there if his attempt had been completed. He would have been dead- I would have never met him. Oh my god. Oh god! I couldn't let him get hurt ever again- I knew I was absolutely useless- but I had to protect him somehow! I would never let him feel that way again, I couldn't, I needed Thomas, and did Thomas need me? That was quite the question, but I needed Thomas to be safe- my heart was thundering- I needed him!

So when he rushed forward and swept me up in his arms- and then pulled back in surprise. "Shit- I'm sorry James- I know we're not quite there yet-"

I shook my head tearfully- and ignored the tremor screaming to get away! He'll hurt you!- and dug my nails into his back, a confirmation he was there. That he was alive. And I held him as tightly as I could. Was there something that made him hesitate? What if he had gone through with it? What if something went wrong? I sobbed into his shirt, gripping him and I realized that I needed this- sometimes people just needed a hug. Maybe Thomas needed a hug too.

"I'm so glad you're alive," I mumbled against him. It was the truth- I deserved every ounce of pain I got, but not Thomas. Anyone but Thomas. His body was rigid against mine, but it suddenly relaxed into me, nodding.

And then he spoke, his words choked up with emotion, and I had never heard such pain from Thomas' lips before. 

"I'm glad you're alive too."

I swallowed painfully, pressing my forehead against my chest. I didn't know if was glad I was alive. The only peace I had was that split second before I opened my eyes, just before the pain set in. But Thomas made everything feel alright, and he pull away slightly, his eyes reddening.

"Fuck, you always know how to unravel me, don't you pretty boy?" Thomas grinned, casting his gaze away, and my heart felt a sudden tug of shame. "Ready to go back home? Which would be my lovely, and very purple apartment."

"Oh, it's purple alright," I laughed, rubbing at my eyes as my hand fell into his. "But you don't mind? I promise I won't stay too long-"

"No, no. Don't say that! You can stay as long as you need, plus, it gets me to bed at a reasonable time and everything." He smirked, running his hand through his wild locks. "Ready?"

For the first time in so long, I didn't hesitate.

"Ready."


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Nightmares, sexual and psychological abuse, and mentions of suicidal behavior   
> Stay safe!

"Let go of me, please, let go, I won't tell anyone, please!"

The figure over me laughed, and hot tears fell from my cheeks onto my bare chest. Not again- oh god, the fear was far too much, it was so much and I was going to die all over again, and this time there would be no way out.

My words came out in broken sobs and I tried to pull out of the grasp, thrashing my legs down. "Please stop, please, please, please stop-"

"Shut up!" The voice commanded and I fell silent, and I'd rip the skin off of my arms if I wasn't being held down- god, I was so horrible, I needed to fight! Please, fight! "Shut up you stupid, disgusting, useless whore. You are worth nothing, you hear me? Nothing."

"I'm s-so sorry," I pleaded through the violent pain, a knee pressed against my stomach in order to pin me down. "Please don't hurt me- please, I don't want this, please-"

"James, god, you've always been so stupid-" his face moved into view, the light suddenly hitting him- "this is the only thing you're good for."

The face- it wasn't Alex.

It was Thomas.

"James, James! Wake up! Breathe pretty boy, come on, wake up!"

I screamed, slamming my hand into the shoulder of the figure above me. "Get away! Get away from me! Please stop- please stop, I can't do it again, I can't- please Thomas, please don't do this-"

I opened my eyes, Thomas standing over me and I sobbed loudly, curling into myself. I deserved this, why couldn't I just take it? "Please! Please don't hurt me, Thomas I'm so sorry, I'm sorry."

"James, James, it's okay. You were having a nightmare," he said calmly as I wailed into my hands. "I'm here, just breathe."

"It was s-so damn real," I cried, reality flooding back into my mind and Thomas sat me up. "Shit. I'm so sorry for hitting you, it was such a bad dream and I can't go back to sleep without thinking about Alex- oh god, Thomas, I think there's something wrong with me."

I reached for his hand instinctively, tears slipping down my cheeks. It had been almost two weeks since it happened, and nothing had changed. He wrapped an arm around me, pulling me against him. All that had changed- I had gotten worse.

I was able to touch Thomas more, but still, I was absolutely horrible. I took deep breaths, I took the medicine they put me on, and I got worse. The nightmares, the shame, the everything. 

"There's nothing wrong with you," Thomas assured, pulling a blanket off the couch and wrapping it around me. Guilt tugged at every emotion I felt, why was I making Thomas do this for me? I didn't deserve it! "You're nervous, it's completely natural. We've got a big day comin' up, but I ain't leaving your side, what do you need right now pretty boy?"

He asked me the question constantly, and I never knew what to say. I shook my head, curling up into his side. "I don't know if I'm ready- uh, do you think you can stay here?"

"'Course. I'm takin' some blanket-" he grinned, tugging the softness onto him too- "can't steal it from me."

I sighed into him, my head resting on his shoulder. And I couldn't stop the feeling telling me to get away, but I couldn't stop the feeling telling me to kiss Thomas. It was one way or another, I couldn't do both. So instead, I swallowed my emotions, closed my eyes, and moved farther from him. I hated myself so much- and Thomas helped push the feeling away. But what did I do for him? I did nothing! 

Thomas put a protective arm around me, and finally, I was anchored back into sleep. It happened often, me waking up at ungodly hours, and Thomas was right by my side. He was even nice enough to let me stay while I searched for an apartment, I knew he wasn't going to let me slip back to Alex.

But he was right, we did have a big day ahead of us. I'd be meeting Alex again today- well, at least from behind glass. One way glass, of course. But after I had told Angelica that I wanted to know why Alex did it, she didn't fail to deliver. And supposedly, I'd be seeing Thomas' interrogation skills too! 

But I hadn't forgotten about what Angelica said about his 'attempt.' I had been sure to give him lots of comforting pats, I couldn't offer much, but I wanted to help. I wanted to be there for him! What if he still felt bad? And Angelica said that he 'felt better' when he had something to focus on, what happened if he didn't? 

I couldn't let him get hurt because of me again.

I woke with a start- that was actually more like a snore.

I realized I had nestled myself right into Thomas' arms, his legs on either side of me as he snored loudly. And the first thing I did? I smiled, relaxing into his touch because I knew it was so wrong. I knew that I wasn't supposed to, I grew up to be a rebel, didn't I? 

"Yo, you are so fuckin' warm."

Those were Thomas' first words, and I laughed. I genuinely laughed! And I wasn't thinking about what I had to do that day, wasn't thinking about Alex, I just laughed. Was that recovery? Or was I having yet another emotional shock?

"I don't even remember how I got here- it's probably my fault, I get cold, okay?" I grinned, the sunlight hot against my skin. "What time is it? Don't we gotta be at the office by nine or somethin'?"

"Oh shit!" Thomas exclaimed, bouncing up with ease. And did he leave me on the couch? Pfft, absolutely not! It was Thomas! He clasped his hands on the front of my chest, my feet inches from the ground, and I let out a delighted snort. "We gotta go, it's eight-thirty!"

So there I was for the next ten minutes, rushing to get dressed we laughed from opposite sides of a door. And I didn't feel horribly disgusting either, but that doesn't mean I didn't skip the shower. We were out of the door within fifteen minutes, Thomas grinning happily the entire time.

But when we got there, the atmosphere grew dark. 

I knew it would happen- and the fact that the happy little bubble that we seemed to be in all morning popped without warning, it made me want to cry. And my thoughts had been becoming darker- a desperate switch from shame to anger. To revenge. And I hated it, it made me feel like something worth less than a human. 

Thomas could tell, I was sure of it. The way he became even more cheery in order to keep my head held up, but I was in pain. I couldn't stand the fact that less than forty minutes ago, I was fine, but then... It all switched so quickly. I hated it.

Thomas led me to a small, dark room with a large sheet of glass in between another room. A one-way mirror? I smiled tightly, despite the tears collecting in my eyes. Just like in the shows. 

"So, you can chill in here, and I'll be over there with Alex." Thomas smiled, but his eyes were unreadable. "I'm waitin' for a text from Ang, she'll be bringing him in. You finally get to see me in action! I'm super excited- you think I can make him cry?"

I shook my head, a watery chuckle escaping from my throat. Maybe this was a mistake. Was I really ready to see Alex again? After everything that happened, would it actually be helpful to see him?

"You okay, pretty boy?" Thomas pressed gently, his gaze concerned. My eyes were filled with tears as I nodded, settling down in a chair, directly facing the empty glass window. "Hey, he's not going to hurt you. I won't let him."

I bobbed my head gratefully, giving his hand a squeeze as his phone dinged, and he grinned. "There's Ang. It's showtime pretty boy, I'm gettin' you justice no matter what."

He texted back quickly, giving me a smile before running his hands through his hair. I was suddenly filled with a rush of adoration and pride for the man, like, goddamn! I needed to tell him that more! He was wonderful, I had to admit it. 

I scooted my chair up to the glass, watching as Thomas waited by a door, and then he waved at me, sticking his tongue out. I exhaled a laugh, the same warmth appearing in me despite everything. Shame was what I should've been feeling, but I was proud of him. 

Thomas said something muffled into his phone, and a police officer opened the door, moving with Alex behind him. 

My heart dropped.

A wave of nausea hit me like a truck, and I doubled over in pain, but not before taking in his appearance. My first thought- I hated the fact that he looked fine. His hair was neatly pinned back, his face healthy with even more gleam than I had seen before. Boiling rage shot through me- oh god- why did he get to look fine? Why was I stuck with the hollow cheeks and the terror and every single nightmare?

Thomas' voice from the other side of the glass-filled my ears, the police officer standing by the door, Alex across from him. I raked my nails against the table, bitter, hot anger boiling up in me with an incredible amount of pain. I pressed my hand against my mouth, squeezing my eyes shut and pathetically willed myself not to throw up.

"You're aware that your past does not give Mr. Madison an excuse to stay with you?"

The single question rang through my ears, and I peeked over the table to see Thomas almost growling out the words, Alex scowling across from him.

"There's a thing called sympathy, ever heard of it? My fiancé-" I almost gagged, pushing my hand against my mouth as my stomach ached- "is there for me even more than usual because of my past. Maybe you would understand if prissy lawyers like you could ever be loved."

I winced. He couldn’t dare talk about Thomas like that! Thomas was wonderful, and his eyes didn't give away a thing. It was impressive- usually, Thomas could be quite the hot-head when provoked like that.

But I could feel Alex’s touch appear all over me again, his hands everywhere that I didn’t want them to be, and when he-

"Mr. Hamilton, you have little idea what love is. Love isn't using someone for their body, and Mr. Madison's worth isn't determined on whether or not he can provide a canvas for your awful art." I gaped in surprise, the ferocity Thomas said it with without even blinking was another level. "You raped him. Do you understand? You forced him to have sex with you-"

"Okay, okay! Shut up already, jeez, can't you take a hint? I'm not stupid- and he's my fiancé! It's not rape, he wasn't in the mood, come on, he's seriously charging me with this?" Alex adjusted himself, beads of sweat on his forehead. "And if he really felt that way, why didn't he tell me? I thought we were playing-"

"He did tell you!" Thomas shouted, slamming a fist down on the table. "Look me in the eye- you heard me- look me in the eye and tell me that you didn't rape James."

"Oh, James?" He mocked, avoiding Thomas' stare. "What, are you all on a first name basis now? You expect me to believe he didn't go whoring aro-"

"Look me in the eye! Hamilton, tell me you didn't rape James. Just try."

"What, is this some sort of interrogation tactic? You expect me to believe-"

"Try," Thomas repeated, not budging as Alex gazed at the floor. "You can't. Because you raped him, we have the samples to prove it was you and well enough information. See you in twenty to thirty years-"

"Hold on, hold on! So now you're just gonna leave? I haven't even played the lawyer card- what the hell? Where are you going? That wasn't an interrogation, it was just you whining about something that's none of your concern. It wasn't rape, okay? He didn't fight it."

"That doesn't mean a thing," Thomas hissed, standing up and I ducked down. Were they leaving? Was that all? "It doesn't matter if he was wearin' something, doesn't matter if he didn't fight. But he didn't want to- that's all that matters."

"James. He's here, isn't he?" My heart plummeted, and I saw him stare right at me. I knew he couldn't see me, I knew that, but he was looking right into my eyes. "On the other side of the glass? So let's see this whore. Let's go see the slut."

"Don't you talk about him that way!" Thomas growled, putting an arm in front of the door as I cowered in pure terror. Not again. Please, no. "Officer!"

But I decided something at that moment. Despite everything, I wouldn't be afraid anymore. I promised, I couldn't let anyone push me around anymore, especially not Alex. So I stood up, and I grabbed the door handle and tugged it open.

And within a second, the room was in pure chaos. The officer was grabbing for Alex, who scowled at me with such an intensity my heart blazed with anger. Not again- never again. 

"You stupid whore! I knew you were here-" he raised his hand and threw it towards me- "slut!"

Thomas stepped in front of me.

And his fist collided with Thomas’ perfect face, and I saw blood splatter before the officer pushed Alex against the wall, handcuffing him and dragged him out of the room, Alex screaming something incoherent.

Oh my god.

I practically burst into tears, slapping my hands against my mouth as a sob freed itself from my throat. I hurt Thomas. Again. Again, again, and I couldn’t stop hurting him and he hated me so much! I grabbed his arm, moving him around so I could see the damage that I caused, I caused every single second, every single drop of pain he ever felt-

Thomas spun around, a huge grin on his face. “So! How’d I do?”

And I began to laugh.

It was a pathetic, horribly hysterical laugh, and I pressed my head against his chest, tears streaming down my cheeks. Thomas’ smile broke my heart- it felt as if my mind was falling into itself. Thomas exclaimed, running his thumbs underneath my eyes as I cried- it was my fault, but Thomas was always there. And from what I knew, Thomas had been through so much, but he was still here. I figured out what I had to do. What I wanted to do.

“Will you go out on a date with me?”

Thomas’ lips parted in shock and after a beat of silence, he spoke. 

“Did I do that well?”

“You’re such a dork,” I laughed, my voice broken and watery. Seeing Alex gave me so much pain, and I knew the nightmares would get worse. A lot worse. “But you’re a really nice dork and I really like you- and I don’t really understand how I feel- a-a-“ I swallowed, my words stuttering to a halt. “I know I don’t deserve y-you but you make me feel decent, which is an understatement-“

“Goddamn, this is a serious bummer-“ my heart dropped painfully- “cause I was gonna ask you out first.”

I let out a watery laugh, too joyful to be real after what I just saw, and realized that he was dripping blood right onto his expensive shirt.

“So mean,” I teased, heat flooding my face. Disgust suddenly surged through me, a horrible shame for myself. Thomas didn’t want me. Who would? I was disgusting, I was tainted, and my emotion was flipping like a switch. But Thomas looked so happy, so I tugged off my tie, and pressed it against his bleeding nose. He’ll be disappointed soon enough, I needed to at least try and make him happy. “Sorry ‘bout... Alex.”

“Deal with jerks like him all the time. I'll schedule another meeting with him,” Thomas said smoothly, giving me a questioning look before slipping his arm around my shoulder. The hatred for myself burned brightly, but Thomas was so much warmer than the pain. And surprisingly- he didn’t burn me. He just grinned and played along as he held my tie against his bloody nose. “Does this mean I can change my Facebook status to taken?”

“You have Facebook?”

“Pfft, no. That’s for oldies.”

I grinned, a laugh leaving my lips. There were moments that I was so sure I would be dead within the next month because of the pure hatred of everything I was, it would run me into the town. But Thomas assured me something different- and let me do it my way. It all boiled down to control, I never had it with Alex- but sometimes I dreamt of him.

I dreamt of sleeping in Alex’s arms, his stern ‘I love you’s’ after tiring nights. I couldn’t understand! Thomas was amazing but Alex... I had been with him for so long, it was weird without him. I was still so tired- so pained, but I dreamt of Alex. 

He did say he loved me, after all.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Psychological abuse, physical abuse, and intrusive thoughts  
> Stay safe!

Thomas- it was guaranteed- was the best person, in the entire world.

Come on! He made me mac and cheese at four in the morning, and no matter how weird the amount of food he had was, it still helped. Now, who couldn't admire a dork like that? He was the one who got up to soothe me after I woke up, screaming. 

And even though we were almost living together, we had our first date today! And I was gonna fuckin' lose it!

Thomas had been at work and left pretty early too, so I had the afternoon to myself. The hardest thing was probably showering- I couldn't stand to look at my body- but I didn't know what to wear! I felt like one of those girls in TV dramas, shit, and that hatred for myself had grown, but I didn't care.

I know, I know, it wasn't a great day to have a date if that was the case. But Thomas looked so excited, and by god, if I didn't enjoy spending time with him. And I was excited too! But was I ever good enough for him? Would that be it? Would our relationship me practically using Thomas the entire time? I shivered. I didn't want to think about that.

But I was another level of excited! It had been, what, three years since I dated last? And that was with... Alex. Alex had seemed so kind in the beginning, but that changed so easily. It changed painfully quick- like a flick of a light.

_It was our ninth date._

_I thought we had been taking it a little fast, but it was Alex! I practically loved him by then, and I could never say no, ah, he was amazing. He said everything he needed to, being blunt in the perfect way, and we had our mutual disgust for peanut butter. He was amazing, nothing could change my mind about that._

_His hair was curled. That was the first thing I noticed._

_Not too much- the ends were curled up and pointing towards the sky, and I laughed. He was truly, adorable. And he let me sleep in his room, even though he faced away from me, and wasn't a fan of cuddling either. Whatever! I could live without it! It was stupid to like it anyway._

_"Hey, Madison!"_

_My thoughts were interrupted by the lovely voice on the other side. I grinned._

_"Hey Alex," I greeted, letting him plant a kiss to my forehead before leading him over to the table. "Thanks for coming! I know this isn't your thing, but it means a lot that you came."_

_"Er, yeah. I didn't have anything better to do," Alex laughed, a harmless joke. "Anyway, what are we doing? I know we're making pizza, your family likes it, right? You shouldn't listen to them though James, families are usually shitty."_

_I nodded solemnly, intertwining our hands before Alex pulled away to take off his coat. I knew about his past, and it broke my heart. "I'm sorry," I mumbled softly, unsure how to give him the support he deserved. "We can work on some pizzas, and then we can chat?"_

_Alex grinned, bouncing up. "Ready! I'm hungry, let's go already!"_

_I laughed, amused at how fast his moods changed. "Alright, alright. What'd you want to put on yours? You can raid my fridge, go ahead."_

_He snorted, tugging open the door before scowling. "I forgot about all your allergies, damn. You still on the medication?"_

_"Oh yeah, lactose intolerance doesn't wait for anyone," I chuckled, running my nails over my arm. "It seems to be going away, I'm on some prescription stuff right now."_

_"Good. Anyway, you've got your weird cheese?" He plucked it out of the fridge, smirking. "My boyfriend and his weird food. Good thing I brought real cheese."_

_I chuckled, itching to be touched. It was weird. We would be chatting, and then suddenly, I needed a hug! What the hell? I never knew how to handle the vicious desire to be touched. Not in a sexual way, but simply... Held. No, no- that was super weird actually, never mind. I shouldn't bother Alex with things like this. Anyway, we had stuff to focus on!_

_And so, within a few minutes, we were hard at work! And I was having a shit ton of fun! It was playful, completely innocent, and I loved every single second of it. It was the oddest stuff I enjoyed- the cuddling, laughing, but Alex enjoyed the intensity. And he was right! We needed some spontaneity in our lives!_

_"Brown eyes, c'mere." The words tugged me from my thoughts and I slipped wordlessly to Alex's side. "You look like you're thinking way too much. Do you need a kiss?"_

_I chuckled, nodding. He wasn't going to kiss me, I knew that! Alex was a true tease, and it was adorable. But he pressed his lips to my own, and my heart rate soared. Not for the right reason though._

_Disgust flew through me, and I pulled myself away from him, biting back a pained groan. My throat suddenly ached, my heart murmuring quickly in my chest. Shit- shit. I knew what lactose intolerance felt like._

_"Shit," I hissed, chugging down a cup of water to calm the pain. "Sorry about that, I think I ate some of your cheese, y'know, there's milk in it and all. Sorry."_

_I glanced up, settling as the wave of nausea passed. But all on Alex's face was pure rage- an anger I had never seen before. My hands went deadly cold, a shiver shooting up my spine- oh god. Had I messed something up?_

_"What?" Alex snapped, taking a step towards me and I stumbled back. "What the hell was that? You can't just pull away so violently, oh, there's something wrong with me now, isn't there?"_

_I was stunned. "No. No! Shit, Alex, I'm sorry. That wasn't 'cause of you, um, I'm sorry. Do you-"_

_His hands collided with my chest, shoving me with a grunt, and I yelped. "Alex! What the-? Shit, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to upset you!"_

_"What the hell is wrong with you?" Alex growled, his fingers tightening around my shoulders. "You can't just pull away, dumbass! You need to explain, at least! Whatever! I know that you think you're so cute- and that you can get away with things like that."_

_"Alex, please stop!"_

_A final push sent me into the counter, the small of my neck slamming into the cabinet's edge, and I screamed. And in that instant, Alex's personality flipped and suddenly I was being held and apologized to, so many promises that it would never happen again. That he had a stressful day at work and he was angry at something else, it wouldn't happen ever, ever again._

_But it did._

I flushed the toilet, pulling myself off of my knees.

Suddenly, this date didn't sound like such a good idea.

What was the chance that Thomas was going to turn out exactly like Alex? No, no, he could never, he was perfect- but that's what I thought about Alex too- what if all of this was a trap? Oh god. Oh no, I was not doing this again, I was not about to handle all of this again-!

I knew Thomas was so much different than Alex, so much. He asked me how I was and stayed with me, did a bunch of little things I couldn't help but adore. But what if? It's not as if all abusers- and rapists- had the same personality as Alex to lure you in- they could be like Thomas too.

"Hey, uh, I don't think I can make it tonight."

I stood in the middle of the living room, heavy tears falling onto my shirt, Thomas on the other end of the call. 

"Huh? I was on my way back, pretty boy, are you okay?" Thomas asked, the bustling of the city surrounding his words. "Your voice sounds wobbly, it does that whenever you're feeling bad. What happened?"

Be strong- don't let him get to me. "Nothing- I'm fine, just tired. It's fine. I was just leaving now, I'm going to find a hotel in the meantime, so, uh, bye."

"James-!"

I hung up. And it was weird, cause the next second I broke down. Funny how that works. 

I rapidly collected up my things, terror raking through my mind. Oh god, I knew it all along, Thomas was going to hurt me too. But he seemed so kind, so perfect and I believed he truly was, but I had to get away before Alex happened all over again- I had to, I couldn't, I couldn't do it again-

I fell to my knees, my breath coming out in gasping sobs, a cold sweat appeared on my body- no, no. I couldn't fucking do it again. I clenched my fists, trying so hard to get control, I was always trying so hard. I was so tired of trying, but Thomas didn't make me feel like every spoken word was a chore. That was one of the reasons I felt the way I did- but not anymore. Every single second of pain was harder to sweep under the carpet, but Thomas helped with that. How could I do this?

He had been nothing but kind, he let me into his home and this is how I repay him? I disappear without a trace? No- no. You know what? The sooner I left, the better. Thomas could finally get back to his life without me hurting him, and I could stay in isolation. No matter how lonely, no matter how scared I was, no matter how disgusting I felt. 

I spent the next twenty minutes alone, getting concerned texts and calls from Thomas. Why was I like this? Why was I such a burden? The eldest of twelve, hah, as if they needed me. Tremors ran up and down my spine as I cried, middle of the living room floor, like a child. I never grew up, did I? I was the same, pathetic little boy in tears so many years ago, pleading not to be-

"James! Hey, hey, are you still here?" 

A voice interrupted my thoughts, and my voice rose out of my throat, foreign even to myself.

"Oh fuck, thank god," Thomas mumbled out as he hoisted me up, pulling me into his arms. "Shit. I was so worried. Alright, let's go get a blanket, I'll get my magenta one, and we're gonna do this together, okay?"

He set me down on the couch, giving me a small fist bump and I nodded meekly. Oh god. There was I, relying on Thomas yet again, and I could never live for myself. I didn't have an ounce of worth to live for anyway! Shame filled my mind, every single pore, and I pressed my hands against my cheeks. Don't cry.

But Thomas, so easily too, wrapped the brightest blanket I had ever seen around my shoulders without missing a beat, leaned into me like it was the most normal thing in the world. My heart sank even further in my chest. Our date was canceled, I supposed.

"Aight, you are now going to be used as a pillow. That cool?" He waited for my halfhearted nod, before settling his head down on my lap. "Wanna talk 'bout it, Jemmy?"

A pathetic attempt of a chuckle left my lips, my fingers running over Thomas' curls. "That's a new nickname."

"Right! It's a good one too! I was thinkin' today, I was in a super boring meeting, and I was like, 'Okay, what will make him smile?' It worked too!"

I willed myself not to cry, but goddamn. I knew I had been crying easily lately, but that broke my heart. A sob spilled over my lips, and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Jesus, I don't deserve you at all Thomas," I said, my eyes watering. "You're too... Great. I'm sorry for bein' such a brat, just, thank you for everything. I don't say it often enough."

"Hey, what? No, nope. That ain't right, I'm pretty sure you're the best guy in the entire world, and I will genuinely fight anyone who says otherwise." Thomas tilted his head, studying me before running his finger over my scarring wounds. "See? You're healing. And I'm not stayin' with you out of pity, never think that pretty boy, I'm stayin' because I enjoy being with you!"

My face warmed, and I couldn't stop the hesitant grin. "W-wow, but you're gonna have to admit, I did kind of ruin our date night."

"What? No, no! You didn't at all! It's only five, we got the whole night ahead of us. Where to pretty boy? Okay, there's a good pizza place, or we could go to that tequila bar- don't worry, it's mostly tacos, or we could just stay in? Or anything else?"

I was shocked. And that marked the first time I had ever been asked what I wanted to do for a night out, and I hate to be so pathetic, but I was pumped. Just like this morning, before everything. So I ignored the screeching voices to get away, run and hide, and slipped my hand into his.

"Uh, I like tacos."

"Oh shit, thank god. I was hoping you'd say that, I'm starved." Thomas grinned, hopping off of my lap and pulled his coat around himself. "Wanna head out now?"

"Y-Yeah! Sure, b-but it might take me a bit to, y'know, readjust to not freaking out." Thomas nodded understandingly, grabbing my hand as I tugged on my coat, biting back an overjoyed laugh. Not even thirty minutes ago, I was crying and pretty much, contemplating my demise. So, this was absolutely an improvement. "They're gonna make us leave with how pretty your face is."

Thomas' features lit up and he let out a laugh. "Goddamn! Did you just flirt with me? 'Cause if so, keep 'em coming. I owe you a piggyback ride, my guy."

A playful smirk found its way onto my face. "Did you just call me your 'guy?' Wow- I didn't know we were being that informal, it sounded like we're in middle school all over again."

"Aight, I got it, I'll stick with Jems and pretty boy for now." I laughed, Thomas practically attached onto my arm, and it kept me warm- I wasn’t compliant. "Okay, so if we're middle schoolers, I'm going to have to try and carry you. Sorry James," he grinned mischievously, "it's gotta be done. What do you say? I don't want to make you feel bad or anything, just makin' sure?"

"Wait, wait. Are you telling me you carried people around in middle school?" I stuck my tongue out, Thomas grinning back, obviously excited. "Okay, just this once though!"

He bounced on the balls of his feet, immediately tucking his arm under my knees and behind my shoulders. "Bridal style, or sack of potatoes style?"

I snorted, giving him a gentle shove as I buried into his chest, him practically speeding down the street. God, we must have looked ridiculous but, damn. That was okay. He was simply... Wonderful. My chest felt fuzzy with pride for him- what a perfect man. And when we stopped- thankfully, it wasn’t too far, as not to hurt Thomas- and he set me down so kindly, he held out his hand and asked 'Ready?'

And- just like always when I was with Thomas- I really, truly, was.

And like always, it didn’t last.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Psychological abuse, panic attacks, mentions of sexual assault and mentions of self harm  
> Stay safe!

I seemed to be in a daze. My own private spot of happiness, that I shared with Thomas of course, a bubble of weirdly good feelings.

Nope, I did not trust that.

Come on! Like, who on earth would feel safe for so long in another person's arms? Me! The safe haven I had made in Thomas' touch was too nice, I knew it wouldn't last. He was so wonderful- I didn't deserve him! But then, the oddest thing, there were moments where Thomas needed my touch too. It was unbelievably nice to be needed, but... It worried me.

He slept a lot, for one thing. Which terrified me, and he was a heavy sleeper too! You couldn't blame me! So whenever I would be shaking his shoulders and freaking out, Thomas would wake up after a bit, give me a half-conscious grunt and then curl back into me. He slept next to me- on the floor, no matter my protests- and would help me through the nightmares that didn't leave, despite everything.

We had been on five whole dates! Over a period of three weeks! And I still got those heart murmurs whenever I was around him, he was too lovely! And my life was going a little too well. Thomas had been meeting with Alex lately, I sat in his office and studied- final exams weren't far away. 

But I couldn't look at Alex. It had never happened before, but looking at him genuinely made me throw up. As in, the first meeting he had after the interview one, I looked at Alex and threw up. Thankfully, no one saw, but it was new. And of course, the vivid shame, burning, and hatred. Those... Never seemed to go away. Those things also probably made me throw up.

"Pretty boy!"

I looked up from my book, only to be swept up in a hug. I grinned into the nape of Thomas' neck. No matter what happened with Alex, I couldn't get enough of Thomas' touches. Was that normal? Shouldn't I be repulsed in every way, instead of horribly needy?

"Ready for the interview? I put in a good word for you as if you need it. I'm so fuckin' pumped!" Thomas grinned, tucking his arm around my own. "If bossman flirts with you, I will fight him for your affection. 'Kay?"

I laughed softly, giving him a poke. "You don't have to fight! You'll ruin your nice face- oh god, did that go straight to your ego?"

"Oh hell yes it did! Already the size of a watermelon anyway, and fight bossman will totally boost my confidence!"

"Even more than it already is?" I teased lightly, Thomas pouting with that evilly gorgeous face of his, but I couldn't ignore the panic hitting me like a truck. I was getting an interview with Thomas' boss, Mr. Washington, and to see whether I was qualified or not for the position of a clinical psychologist- and yeah, my history of breakdowns did not help things. "How's the kid?"

Thomas immediately knew what I was talking about. One of the reasons I was getting interviewed was to decide the choice of letting Thomas temporarily bring an abused child into his custody or not. Thomas loved the kid no matter what- it was amazing to see him talk about the boy- and, the name Peter was always a fan of his. He was so focused on keeping the kid safe and avoiding the shitty system that was social services. 

"I'm hopeful, still! I talked with the mom over the phone yesterday, and she, surprisingly, has agreed to allow at least temporary custody. She's sorting out some other stuff at the same time, I wasn't surprised."

I smiled, admiring his passion as we walked through the stretching halls. "That's great, I'm so damn happy for you. Peter is one lucky kid, I'm glad you're trying to keep him safe- and if I get the position-"

"When you get the position," Thomas corrected, grinning.

I stifled a giggle, nudging him. "When I get the position, I'll vouch for you. There's no one better suited to take care of that boy than you." 

Suddenly, Thomas gave me such a sad smile- and I was taken aback at how real it was. Where did that come from? It was full of pain- I couldn't deal with it being on his face. He didn't deserve such sorrow- did I say something wrong?

But within an instant, he was back to his usual grin, dusting my shoulders off. "Alright, we are here James! You've got this in the bag, don't even worry, you're gonna do great. He pecked my cheek- and I chuckled at how much he had to bend down. But even though I was filled with a rush of warmth, I couldn't forget how sad he had looked, only moments ago. "I believe in you, you got this!"

I smiled nervously. "Thanks, Thomas, you've been so nice about all of this- damn, I'm beyond grateful. Thank you."

He pat my head, before starting down the hall. "'Course James, anythin' for you. You're gonna do great, I can't wait to hear all about it."

He waved, a bright smile splayed on his lips, and he turned the corner. And holy shit- it felt as if the air had been knocked out of my lungs after seeing- I didn't know what to call it! It was definitely not an 'I'm okay!' sort of smile. It looked almost painful.

But I was let inside before I could think about it for another moment. And goddamn.

Nobody needed an office that big! 

A tall, dark-haired man led me in, leading me down a freaking hallway within an office! It was the size of my elementary school lunchroom- but thankfully it seemed that there were a few people working in there, but terror seeped into my veins. This guy seemed pretty important- was it even worth trying to do this? I was going to fail anyway.

But the tall- presumably French man, according to his accent- brought me to a large wooden desk, where a bald man poured over some sort of paperwork. But he looked up, his eyes lighting up with satisfaction. 

"Mr. Madison, I presume?" He asked, his voice rough from age. "You can call me Washington, I'll be conducting your interview today. Did you bring your resumé?"

"Yes, sir," I said, my voice going awkwardly high as I shuffled through my papers, and settled into the chair across from him. Weirdly enough, I had practiced with a Thomas for this, but of course, it was filled with laughter. I preferred that. 

"Well," he chuckled, "Mr. Jefferson certainly thinks highly of you. He's a good man, I'm glad to see him doing better."

There it was again. Everyone talked about Thomas in such a sad sense, the atmosphere seemed to soften out of sympathy. And after what Angelica had said, was this all due to his attempt? Poor Thomas... I wanted desperately to ask, but what if he got nervous? I had spent hours upon hours scrubbing my skin until it was raw- and I would never be clean. What if it was the same for Thomas?

Mr. Washington shook his head, frowning. "And I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you as well, Mr. Madison. Mr. Jefferson will be sure to keep Hamilton far from you- he's far too determined to stop now." A pit of disgust sat heavily in my stomach. I hated it when people talked about it as if it could be described so easily. Damn, that made me a bad person, didn't it? I should be more grateful. "Shall we get on with it?"

I nodded, sorting through papers as he smiled slightly, his eyes trailing across my resumé. "While it does say a master's in psychology, I'm three months away from my graduation with a Ph.D. in psychology and a bachelor's in social work."

"Impressive," he murmured, nodding. "Your licenses are in order, as well are passports and others. So, here. I'll give you a scenario of one you may be familiar with. An employee of mine has been asking after a temporary custody arrangement for him and an abusive mother's son. The son is far too young to understand- and Mr. Jefferson would like to help the young boy understand the situation better, so we can ensure a safe lifestyle for him.

"However," Mr. Washington continued, his voice growing solemn. "With Mr. Jefferson's mental health issues, I'm concerned that it will be too much pressure for him, and it could put the boy in an uncomfortable situation. What would you do, Mr. Madison?"

"I'd let him take the case."

My voice was strong and clear, and Washington's lips parted in surprise. "Oh?"

"Of course, with a mental health exam at various points in the process. Thomas has proven himself incredibly reliable- however, I speak from bias, sir- and when he focuses on something, he doesn't quit. Erm, I know this isn't particularly reliable, however, he has spent countless hours researching ways to support me, not knowing much about how to deal with... Me." I let out a small chuckle, realizing I was rambling. "Thomas would work tirelessly to support the boy, even though it'd just be for a small amount of time. 

"And I'd like to truly recommend that he be appointed head of the case, I'll supervise his progress if you're willing, sir. If social services get ahold of the boy before another, safer, relative steps in, it would be very stressful for him, at such a young age as well. But Thomas refuses to quit on anything, or-" I took a deep breath, realizing if I wasn't careful, I'd cry- "or anyone. He deserves the case. So, sir, there's my answer."

Mr. Washington smiled, taking a moment to process my hopefully coherent rambling. But he stood up and shook my hand.

"Let's try this out, Mr. Madison. I'd like to watch you work with Mr. Jefferson and the rest of our teams. And, might I ask, but what is your relationship with Mr. Jefferson?"

My words rose from my throat so simply. "We're dating."

He didn't look surprised. "Understood. Please remember to disclose your relationship to our Human Resources department, of course." I nodded, trying to swallow my panicked excitement. Holy shit, did I seriously just get a career with my boyfriend? "Your writing skills are unparalleled as well- I read the work you attached over email. I'd like to test you out as a proposal writer too."

Holy shit.

We brought our conversation to an end, and we shook hands- I was sweating so damn hard- then I stepped outside. I pulled off my jacket and promptly screamed into it.

I mean- it probably wasn't the best impression to new coworkers- but I sprint down the hallway, flung open the door and basically launched myself onto the lounging Thomas.

"You got it?" Thomas asked, his eyes bright and hopeful.

"I got it."

"Let's fuckin' go!" Thomas exclaimed, pulling me up and into his arms as he stood up. "Oh my god! I knew you would, I totally called it! I told you he'd be blown away by those writing pieces, they were so damn great!"

"I actually got two jobs- one as a proposal writer and the other as a clinical psychologist-"

"Holy fuck. Holy shit!" Thomas yelled, grinning happily as he slung me over his shoulder and I shook with laughter. "You are not allowed to be so damn smart! Okay, wait, wait- before we celebrate, I actually own some fireworks- here- I'll put you down, and I gotta ask. Any word on the case?"

"He's yours," I said breathlessly, my face warm from his touch- and the incoming excitement.

Thomas' face morphed into something so happy but so sad, I had only seen once before- it was when I woke up in the hospital. It was the same as those moments, where I stopped halfway through a laugh, because of my desire to cry. But within seconds, I was being picked up and hugged- and just like always, it never really happened. 

"Holy shit, you are the best person in the entire world- oh god!" Thomas grinned, running his fingers through his hair as he pulled out his favorite bottle of whiskey. "Shit, this is the best day ever." He gave me another tight squeeze, doing a little dance. "I'm pumped!"

"You are ridiculously cute!" I cried out happily, not even worried about how raw the words were. "But I'm gonna have to tell you- my first assignment is checking you out."

He spun around, putting his hand on his hips as I laughed. "Like what you see?"

"Pfft-" I grinned, my face hot- "not like that! I- er- I gotta give you a full mental health exam and stuff like that, um, I don't wanna make you feel uncomfortable."

His expression softened, not a hint of shame on his face. "It was gonna come out eventually- no prob James. You think we can do it at the apartment? Tomorrow? They're probably gonna make me show you some stuff and I'm not cool with takin' my shirt off here." He laughed, taking a sip whiskey as he smiled to himself. "I'm so proud of you pretty boy- goddamn. That means we can work together! Fuck! We can have lunch together too!"

I grinned, despite my concern. I didn't want to put him into an uncomfortable situation- especially one that could make him unsafe. But he looked so damn happy- I couldn't ruin it. And I was still oddly excited about my new career, no matter how much I doubted my worth. But Thomas got his case! And I got a job!

"Wanna celebrate pretty boy? It's six o'clock-ish, so that means it's party time. I won't get too drunk- I promise! I can definitely hold my liquor, and plus! I wanna see you dance!"

I snorted, shaking my head as I looped my arm with Thomas'. "No, no. I've never really been before. I don't know how!"

"Trust me enough to teach you?" Thomas stuck out his tongue, a sparkling smile on his lips. 

And after all, I did.

So within the next hour, I was right on a dance floor.

A genuine, lit up by the sounds of life, dance floor. Damn, if my mom could see me. I'd be such a rebel in my family! Just wait until they heard about this!

The vague smell of alcohol filled the air, and it seemed there were hundreds of people squished into the little bar. But Thomas kept a protective arm around me at all times- which I was deliriously grateful for. It wasn't exactly my place, but Thomas looked so excited- I didn't want to disappoint him.

"Pretty boy!" Thomas exclaimed, and I watched him spin happily on his chair in the darkened- but still pumping- room. Such a cutie. "Wanna try out dancing? Don't worry- I'm an expert."

"Sure you are," I teased, ignoring the dropping feeling of anxiety in my stomach. It wasn't Thomas- it was just being here. Everything I had heard about rape- to watch out for the drugs they put in your drinks, and how you needed to watch your back. And don't go to the bathroom alone. I pressed my hand into his and smiled. "Better deliver!"

"Always," Thomas grinned, looping his arm around me. "Let me know if you get uncomfortable- we can always go outside too."

I nodded, but I knew I shouldn't ruin Thomas' fun. It's not as if he'd ever reacted badly before it was just... An overwhelming burst of terror whenever he might be disappointed. I couldn't bear to do that to him.

And I had genuinely never danced before! But Thomas' movements were so graceful, and I laughed as if I had never laughed before. God, he was wonderful. And every second he knew how to make me grin, and I couldn't handle the shame I felt when he touched me. Thomas deserved so much better than whatever I was. But then he smiled- and oh god- he was so perfect.

And then it hit me- someday, Thomas would die.

I knew it, it was irrational. And I knew it was a symptom of depression, anxiety, and so many others, but oh god, someday Thomas would die. My heart burned in my chest and I realized that I'd have to let him go someday- tears burned in my eyes and I pressed my head against his chest. How could I do this? Was every single relationship that I ever had only ending in death?

I felt Thomas run his fingers over the top of my head, and I vaguely felt someone else's hand brush over my arm. And everything hit me all at once- and it didn't stop, because suddenly I was so powerless and Alex was standing above me and I couldn't do it again, please, no, oh god no. I curled into myself, my heart hammering and I felt Thomas lead me outside, a hit of fresh air rushing through my senses. But all I could hear was Alex screaming, and when he pressed me down, I felt like nothing- like nothing at all.

And Thomas wouldn't always be there to help, please no, I couldn't do it. Thomas would die, my family would die, Angelica would die, the sweet old lady who ran the flower shop would die, Washington would die, and so would everyone I ever knew. Was all of this supposed to end in heartbreak?

"James, hey, are you doin' alright?" Thomas asked, his voice concerned, sitting me down on a bench. He ran his fingers over my arm, looking down at me with pleading eyes, before running his fingers over my cheeks. "Hey, hey hey. No tears. What's going through that pretty head of yours?"

That hit something, and I let out an obnoxiously loud sob. "I don't want you to die. You're going to die and I can't stop it- how could I stop it? I don't want you to die, Thomas-"

He brushed the tears off my face, shaking his head. "I'm not going to die, I'm not going to leave you." He flexed his arm, grinning. "See? Super healthy!"

"N-no, I'm just so scared Thomas. And I keep disappointing you and I'm driving you away, I'm so sorry. What the hell is wrong with me?"

"Disappointing me? What-"

"I keep pushing your needs aside to deal with my stupid ones, like leaving just a few minutes ago, and I never celebrate your things long enough, you're so enthusiastic and happy and I can't bear to not meet it. I know I'm so stupid, god, this is horrible-"

"No, not at all," Thomas said sternly, giving my hand a squeeze. "James. You could never disappoint me- and you are not stupid. Never ever say that, and you're more than enough for me! You gotta put your needs first, you're wonderful, okay? And we can check-in and set an appointment with a therapist if you'd like, and you've had a busy day too! You got two jobs, basically! I'm so proud!"

Tears formed in my eyes, but I didn't protest- I was just so tired. I was exhausted and I wanted nothing more than to sleep, preferably in Thomas' arms. His words were so kind, and it broke my heart that I couldn't show the same back to him. I wouldn't be good enough for anybody, but Thomas' words helped so, so much. More than he would ever know.

He rested his hand on my shoulder as he, very gently, led me back to the car, and then made at least three puns. Adorable. And on the way home, I was a huge jerk and hardly spoke, but Thomas filled the silence. He filled it with funny stories, jokes and then at least three flirty winks. And when we got home, he basically carried me inside.

As he ushered me to the couch, I ran my fingers over his long sleeves, concern growing. He was so wonderful- what happened to him? God, I had to stop being so selfish. When we talked tomorrow, I had to listen! But what if during the night Thomas died? And I would never be able to talk- my heart gave a slam of terror.

"That okay?" He asked as he tossed a blanket over me, and I tugged on his shirt. I know, I know, it was stupid. But I wanted him there with me, I needed to give him something, but I had nothing. But for some reason, he didn't mention it. He looped his arms around my chest, my head resting against his collarbone, and something finally clicked. Thomas didn't want anything from me.

So, I leaned into him farther and fell asleep. 

The odd happiness went deeper than the surface.


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Graphic descriptions of self-harm scars, abuse, and self hate  
> Stay safe!

I woke up to the smell of coffee.

Which was very weird, considering Thomas didn't drink strong smelling coffee. But... But Alex did.

My heart leaped in my chest, and I let out a yelp of terror. Oh god, was all of it a dream? Oh shit, shit, shit. Was Thomas ever real? Holy shit, oh god, where was I? I swung my gaze around, thrashing out of the heat surrounding me. Was it Alex? Had I ever left the hospital? My nails ran right into my wrists- no, no, no. Please, oh god-

"Good morning pretty boy!"

Immediately I relaxed. Fucking hell. Thank god. I realized I was snuggled in between Thomas' legs, my head still on his chest, and surprisingly, I didn't freak out. Alex never did this with me- he didn't like to... Relax like this. 

"I made coffee, you looked like you needed it. It was pretty inventive of me! So first I grabbed the clothing hanger I left on the floor, folded it, and then unplugged the coffee machine! Then I plugged it into this one over here, and boom. Didn't even wake you up."

I grinned tiredly, leaning into him as he handed me a coffee. "You've had a big morning, thanks, Thomas. You're the best. Damn, what time is it? It feels like I've been hit by a truck."

He laughed, resting his chin on my head. "Don't worry pretty, you can get lots of rest today. Oh, speakin' of which! I got my interview today! You're 'bout to hear my life story, you ready?"

A sudden wave of anxiety ran through me. I knew this would make Thomas uncomfortable- and the fact I would have to turn a report on someone's mental health into somebody else. Thomas probably wanted his privacy! I felt bad about it- would this freak Thomas out? I didn't want to do it if that was the case, I knew I wouldn't want to talk about stuff like that...

I gave his hand a comforting squeeze. "Are you sure you're okay with it?"

A flicker of nervousness passed over his features. "Yeah, course pretty. It was going to come out eventually... I- erm, just let me know if I'm freaking you out at all."

"You don't freak me out, ever!" I grinned playfully, my heart giving a nervous tug. "Do you wanna do it now, or later? Whatever's better?"

He shrugged, avoiding my eyes. "Anythin' is fine. I'm still waking up anyway!" He laughed, nuzzling into my neck. "But damn, I shouldn't be cuddling my new health evaluator so tightly."

"I'm good here," I chuckled, willing myself to stay awake, but he was so damn warm. But I was also incredibly nervous! So which one would win? 

It seems Thomas' heat won. We dozed on and off for the next thirty minutes, Thomas making cute puns in between sleep. And when we actually got up, he was hysterically giggly. Goddamn. So cute!

But he snuggled down into the couch as I settled into the chair across from him. We both did it without saying a thing, but we both knew what we were doing. God, I wished there was nothing to say, he looked so sad. He masked it subtly, but so sad. I couldn't bear to see him like that. And being so far away from him too... 

"Okay," he chirped, lounging across the couch. "Where to begin? Hi, I'm Thomas. You might know me from the Disney channel show-"

I laughed, stretching out to poke him with my foot. "Okay, okay. Let's hear it, and don't worry, I don't charge. But I will pretend to write on a notepad, and I'm most likely doodling. No pressure."

He cracked a grin, shuffling nervously. I could see his fear in the slightest of movement- his hands were shaking. And there was nothing more I wanted to do than to sit with him- I couldn't just let him feel like this.

"Okay, let's see. Uh, this is gonna be super kinky sounding, but are you okay with me taking off my shirt?"

My face warmed, but I focused on Thomas. As long as I didn't have to take my shirt off, I was alright! I made a halfhearted chuckle at my internal joke, but there was so much panic already in me. I was terrified I would scare Thomas, but I wanted to know so I could help out!

He pulled off his shirt, and I couldn't help but glance over his muscles. Jeez. I forgot how strong he was, he could carry me after all, but then my gaze slipped over his arms.

I choked on a sob.

A white, raised scar ran over both of his arms, from his elbow all the way to his wrist, not a hint of hesitation. Not a single scar otherwise- because all of the others climbed up the sides of his hips, angry wounds that didn't show an ounce of sympathy for the skin the cut through. They must have gone so deep, so unforgiving. When did he do this? They were a rage filled painting against Thomas’ warm skin, such a sadness pulled over the heat, lighting it up in the worst way.

"It does look bad, but..." Thomas trailed off, staring at them and ran his finger over a raised one. "But I'm different now. It was a long time ago, I'm pretty sure it made me stronger anyway! Even if I can't wear swimsuits now, I got me some waterproof makeup.”

His words hardly reached my ears, oh god, oh god. He must've been in so much pain. What drove him to do that? What happened? 

"Pretty boy? What's wrong?"

He stood up, sitting on the arm of my chair as my eyes locked onto the scars. He must've been hurting so badly, Thomas never hurt anybody, oh god, he could've died. I could've been with Alex still- I could've been dead if not for Thomas.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered out, my throat rough. "You must have been so scared, I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Thomas."

I wrapped my arms around him, one hand pressed against the worst of the scars. There must have been so much blood, he must have hurt so much. How long did it go on for? Thomas chuckled softly, running his hand over my head. Tears formed in my eyes, I knew I had been crying easily recently, but I couldn't stand the fact he had been hurting so much.

I pulled away from him reluctantly, but only slightly. I wasn't about to let him go. "Shit, I'm so glad you're alive. Oh god. I'm sorry I didn't realize."

Thomas smiled, picking me up with ease, before sitting down with me on his lap. And boom- direct access for me to hug him as tightly as I could. Even though he was shirtless. But my heart was slamming so hard in my chest, and I couldn't take my eyes off his scars. I wish I could've been there, so desperately, I wish I could have talked to the teenage Thomas and worked him through this, even if I wouldn't have as many credentials. Master's degree my ass, I wanted to help Thomas.

"Are you sure I'm not too heavy?" I mumbled out, leaning into him. 

He laughed, kicking his feet up on the coffee table. "No, nope. Perfect size. And pretty boy, I promise I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me-" he held up his wrists- "this is proof that I'm here for you. And never resort to this sort of stuff, it's bad."

I nodded solemnly, running my fingers over his forearm. Still so beautiful. "What... What made you do this? I am giving you an evaluation after all."

I gave him a teasing look, but I could feel him tense up under me. I couldn't believe how selfish I was. I was so focused on the shame, the disgust and constant urge to rip my skin clean off, I didn't ask about how Thomas was doing. What was wrong with me?

"That's a story," he chuckled humourlessly, resting his other hand on my knee. It was crazy how affectionate we had become, just the smallest of touches hit my heart. Still- some things I couldn't handle. I couldn't deal with- oddly enough- being kissed on the head. Because whenever Alex got mad and hit me, he'd apologize with a small kiss. I hated it- he hit every second of my life and stole it. 

And suddenly, I realized that I hadn't been thinking about Alex as much. Was that healing? It had been a little over two months or so- was that normal? But there were times I knew I wasn't. I'd wake up in tears, ripping at my skin and at one moment, I tried to break a bone. I grabbed a finger and I pulled it desperately- I needed pain. I needed the pain- or I would lose it.

But Thomas was there, and he stopped me. And I was rarely happy about that in the moment, but he stopped me and in the morning, I was thankful. So, so grateful. And I couldn't believe how horrible I was sometimes. I'd get angry, and he'd hold me and I wouldn't understand why- but he would make me crack up and laugh and all of the above. He was beautiful- but I couldn't ever be enough for him. He didn't say that- but I was sure that he felt it. Who wouldn't? And I wanted to be there to listen, I wanted to be there for Thomas.

"James, I- er- I'm sorry," he said sadly, his eyes suddenly shining. "Uh, telling that story always freaks me out quite a bit, can I give you a short version, maybe?"

"Y-Yeah, of course!" I exclaimed, eager to help out. I had to help Thomas! He made me feel ways that I didn't understand- I needed to help.

"Uh, okay, here we go! Okay- um, traumatized by age seven, targeted by people at school for years, not accepted by my family after coming out, and basically hated myself and all that jazz." He must've seen my expression. "No, no! But it's not all bad pretty boy, my family and I are on good terms, they're super nice about it. I was in therapy for a while which helped- and I'm working on it. Maybe give bossman a short version of that? I'm not too keen on him knowin' 'bout that and all."

Holy shit.

It broke my heart, every word he said. Thomas- the actual angel- had to go through that? And the way he came out in the end was gorgeous, it was Thomas. And no matter what, I knew he was perfect. He was so strong, so brave, and everything in between.

"Please don't cry, pretty boy! Your hands are doing the trembling thing they do when you're upset, I don't like that." He relaxed his arms around my shoulders, and I tried to steady my breathing. God, I couldn't imagine him going through so much bad stuff. "You got a career an everything, there's so much to be happy about!"

"I k-know!" I cried brokenly, giving his hand a squeeze. "It's just- you went through so much, and you act so... Fine. And you must feel sad sometimes, but, Thomas, I'm so proud of you. You're way too good for me and I want to help so badly- you deserve it so much and y'know! All that jazz!"

He grinned, his eyes still sad. "God, you're adorable. And James, never think that! You deserve happiness, and you're also super amazing. And plus you say 'all that jazz' and it's cute." He pressed his lips against my cheek, a flush creeping up my face. "Thank you, lovely. I'm gettin' better every day- so are you- and my scars only prove that you're stuck here with me."

I smiled shakily, running a finger over the countless wounds on his hips. "Good. I'm sorry- I'm not great with speaking my feelings-" I chuckled- "but I can write a few essays if you want."

Thomas let out an amused laugh, slinging an arm around me. He was too perfect. "Don't worry pretty, I believe you. How am I doin' so far on my evaluation?"

He shot me a teasing grin, and I nodded jokingly. "Well, Mr. Jefferson, you are doing exceedingly well. You show strength and bravery, and you really are improving. And I'm gonna guess that these scars are... Four years old? You've changed so much, and for the better. So congratulations, Mr. Jefferson, you now have temporary custody of Peter."

"I- what?"

"I'll let Mr. Washington know tonight- he's yours."

Tears welled up in Thomas' eyes, and he tackled me with a victory shout, squealing happily into my shoulder. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh fuck, shit, you're the best. Let's fuckin' do this! Oh my god, I'm gonna go get ready, thank you!"

I grinned, ecstatic at how cute Thomas was. Within minutes, he was practically bouncing off the walls! He had the energy of a chocolate lab, and nothing could contain him, and I figured it out- once he took his shirt off, there was no getting it back on him. But it was true, I wasn’t going to deny him. I saw his progress, and it gave me warm fluttery feelings that I didn’t trust one bit. But he saw my ‘progress’ too, and, did he feel the same way? The odd way my heart swelled when he smiled at me- just knowing that I helped make it possible.

And he had actually turned the spare room into the kid’s! I always had wondered what he was doing, all those sleepless nights where it seemed neither of us could close our eyes. It was a work in progress, he had said, but so were we. 

And for a fleeting moment, I believed his words. I believed I was getting better too, and I liked to think we were doing it together.

The moment didn’t last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I’d like to thank all of you for the continuous support, and send out a warning! As we approach the ending of this book, mature and dark situations will happen (and I’ll put out a warning in the chapter)! Please click out if anything makes you uncomfortable.  
> Love you all!


	21. Chapter Twenty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Intrusive thoughts, mentions of self harm, sexual assault and abuse  
> Stay safe!

Thomas owned a gun.

I stumbled upon it in a mad dash to get my clothes, getting up at six-thirty was much earlier than waking up at eight. Thomas was always nice about it, carrying me around the house in his arms, very warm and kind, of course. But I opened a drawer, looking for some cold medicine- and then I saw it.

A shiny black thing, obviously never been used, and unloaded. Thomas' name was engraved on the side, a gift maybe? I ran my fingers over the barrel, mesmerized, but Thomas called for me before I could do anything. What would I do with it anyway? It was pretty, and shiny things were enticing! But I slipped to Thomas' side, let him sling an arm around me, and off we went. And I forgot about the weapon, I forgot about it until I began getting bad again.

I was home alone for a Sunday, Thomas had one final meeting before he could bring Peter back home- and of course, Thomas was excited. And I was unbelievably happy to see him like that- but as always, I couldn't think about anyone but myself. So horribly selfish. I gave as much as I could, and he was happy. Thomas didn't need much, all he needed he had said, was me. And of course, I burst into tears, immediately.

But I didn't know what to do with the time alone! I was grateful for the quiet, but I missed Thomas' voice. And either way, I had been feeling awful. Bottom of the pit awful, and I was still digging. 

Alex was waiting in my brain at every goddamn corner, waiting to jump out and make me scream. And I couldn't bear to tell Thomas- I wanted to be strong. But he noticed me feeling bad, immediately put a blanket around my shoulders, and asked me what was bothering me. And I told him I was sick- a shitty immune system made for a great excuse. But in reality... I kind of wanted to- not die. Just pause.

So I opened the drawer and took out the gun.

And I held it, running my hands methodically over the trigger while sitting on Thomas' bed. If I saw Alex again, what would I do? Would I pull the trigger on him, or on me? I had a billion revenge fantasies- but I knew that if it ever really happened, I would curl up into a ball and cry. I didn't want to be sad! I wanted to be angry- but I was exhausted. I was too tired to feel anything,

Every single experience had been taken away from me. Every single experience that was supposed to mean something was nothing. My first time, my first- consented- kiss, and even getting proposed to! Well- did he really propose to me? An empty promise- nothing more.

And not to mention every single night where he unbuckled his- I gagged. I shivered, pulling a blanket off the ground and wrapped it around my shoulders. I wished Thomas were there, he always knew what to do. My arms and legs burned in pain- I needed to get clean. Right away! I couldn't ever stop scrubbing, but I was too tired to stand. 

I turned the gun over in my hands, considering. Would I call Thomas, and annoy him even more? No. Hell no. I mean, I wanted to hear his voice but... Was this really something to bother him about? 

I groaned aloud. I needed to get myself together! Okay, okay, focus. Breathe. I pulled myself off the bed, stumbling into Thomas' clean bathroom but I lost my footing. My chest felt too tight, and I grabbed the sink for support, my breathing falling short. Holy shit. My skin was burning- blazing hot and my knuckles went white.

If I got my hands on Alex, I'd rip him to pieces. And it wasn't enough. I would never be enough to fight back- I was useless. I had to get stronger! Should I start accompanying Thomas on his early morning runs? I could do push-ups, I could do sit-ups, anything that would make me change. I had to change.

Angry tears welled in my eyes, and I could feel a scream rising in my throat. Stupid! Stupid! I was violated by a man for two years of my life! And this is what I deserved, what I deserved for not even trying to fight back. My eyes were glued to the gun laying on the bed- what would I do with it? I could do so much.

I texted Thomas.

I didn't trust my thoughts anymore.

_Hey, do you know what time you'll be home?_

Perfection Itself: miss me? wink hehe

Perfection Itself: I'll be home round five, you ok?

I felt a sad smile form on my lips. How could Thomas see right through me? Every single barrier I put up to hide from the world, he took the side door and didn't even bother trying to break them down. He was so kind. And who knew if the entire world was like that, but Thomas was him. One in a billion.

He texted again before I could answer.

Perfection Itself: and right now I'm scheduled to meet with John (freckle dude), wanna come with? I miss you and Washington just scolded me for eating his snack

My shoulders felt heavy. I remembered him. I remembered when he stood by and he didn't say a word- as Alex screamed at me- did he ever connect the dots? But I felt no anger for John, only for myself and Alex. We were the ones who were in that... Hell.

I texted back a confirmation, tiredness weighing on my mind. One moment I was angry, then I was sad, and then I felt nothing. And I would never understand why. I needed to start therapy, and Thomas brought it up sometimes, but Alex never liked when I mentioned it. I didn't want all of that to happen again.

So I dragged myself to the office, and Thomas immediately knew something was wrong. Why was I like this? I didn't want to die, I wanted to take a break from life. Just for a moment. I was so tired- it felt like the day after everything happened all over again.

"Hey darlin', how are you feeling?" Thomas pressed a hand to my forehead, and I leaned into it, still in a bubble of warmth from the new nickname. I had told him that I was sick- I couldn't be a crybaby so often anymore. 

I tried to smile. "I'm okay, it's... It's nice to see you." That was an understatement! 'Nice' to see him? I was relieved as hell, that same morning I was holding a gun. When I thought that, it didn't sound real. "Just tired."

He hugged me to his side, and I basked in his warmth, so tired. "We're gonna get you some sleep tonight- lots of it! I'm thinkin' about buying some silk pillowcases, they're great for hair."

I chuckled, nodding as Thomas frowned. "James? You okay? You're pretty pale."

"No, no, I'm okay." Thomas looked unconvinced, and I looped my arm around his own. "We're seeing John today? But you might need to grab one of those pillowcases for me too, they sound soft."

He laughed, his expression softening. "No prob, early Christmas present! And yep, we can go ahead to the room if you feel like it? You don't have to do it if you don't want to, let me know if you wanna get out of there."

"Thanks, Thomas," I said softly, exhaustion weighing heavy on my shoulders, my fingers still flexing as if I could hold the gun again. "Let's do this."

"That by far was the most enthusiastic 'let's do this' I have ever heard in my life."

"Okay, Mr. Sarcasm!" I chuckled, lacing my hands with his own. God, I missed this. "Let's do this!"

"There we go! We 'bout to see a super freckled guy, I feel like if he and I got drunk together, I'd try to connect his freckles with a pen or somethin'."

I snorted, imagining it happily. "I can absolutely see you doin' that, one hundred percent. I've got a bunch of crayons you might wanna use- maybe Peter could do it too. Speaking of which, uh, any word on Peter?"

"We're hopin' to get him by next week! Long, exhaustive process. You won't mind havin' a six-year-old as your roommate?"

"Nah, twelve siblings, I know how to change a diaper."

"I don't know six-year-olds wore diapers! Damn, I should've looked that up, I wonder if I could get some-"

I grinned, giving a curl a light tug. "I'm messing with you! You're gonna be great."

Thomas laughed, running his fingers over his hair as he directed me into the same room where I saw Alex. My stomach churned in pain. Shit, this was a lot worse than I thought. But Thomas pressed a kiss to my temple- not quite my forehead like Alex always did that made me shudder in disgust- but it was incredibly warm. And I realized it, we hadn't really kissed. And we had been dating for almost six months! Jeez, had it really been that long? I smiled up at him, god, he was beautiful.

"You're the only one who can do that to me, damn, that's a thing I love about you."

Love- the word caught in my throat. It's not those three words in the order that might actually drive me to a heart attack, but it is close. My parents were the only person I could remember saying those three words, besides Thomas- if Thomas says them, he'll be the fourth person in my twenty-two years of life to do so. My heart thundered.

And he said it so casually, flicking through his phone while he did it, and suddenly I was sitting in the same chair I sat in so long ago, when I saw Alex. But Thomas gave me a joyful wave, standing in the same spot, making faces through the glass. I couldn't get his words out of my head. _That's a thing I love about you._ A thing? Were there more?

While I was having an internal crisis at my fluttery feelings for Thomas, the freckled guy walked in. This time, he wasn't accompanied by a police officer- and hell no. I couldn't handle it- what did Alex say to this guy? How could have John not seen? 

Anger boiled up inside of me, the earlier thoughts disappearing. Fuck you Alex. That horrible man made me like this- pathetically unsteady, emasculated and angry. And I knew that I'd never fight back. Did John ever notice?

But the man looked up to Thomas with apologetic eyes, awkwardly rubbing at his neck before mumbling something I couldn't quite catch.

"Mr. Laurens, were you aware of what Mr. Hamilton was doing when not around you?"

Thomas' voice rang out, intimidating and clear, and John practically shook under his gaze. "No! Not at all- Alex told me he was single, we went out quite a bit, I had no idea about... Madison. I had no idea."

He was lying. I knew it. He knew all about it- despite his pleading eyes, and Thoms glanced back towards me, his brow furrowed. He stood up, John asking something I couldn't hear, and Thomas poked his head in my dark space.

"Hey, pretty," he waved, holding his foot in the door. "In the mood to do some chattin'? John's record checks out too, I believe him."

Anger swelled in me. He had tricked Thomas too. Why couldn't Thomas tell that he was dangerous? John knew all about me, he was lying! Thomas dealt with people like this all the time!

I shook my head, rage bubbling up in my throat and I willed it to go down. I wasn't about to freak out at Thomas- it wasn't his fault! But what if he was wrapped up in all of this? What if he-

Thomas closed the door and kneeled down in front of me. And my first thought was to push him away- oh god- what if he was apart of this entire scheme? What if he was working with Alex? Fuck- listen to me. I practically was Alex. So disgusting and horrible- and so angry.

"James, you're shaking." 

Thomas frowned, concerned as he resting his hands on my knees. His touch was so soft, but I was more scared than anything. What the hell? I thought I was getting better! What had Angelica said? This was called the 'integration phase' I supposed. Aka, where I lost my fucking mind. Was there truly a name for how I felt?

"I feel like I'm going crazy," I hissed, trying to push away the misplaced anger. "And I'm pretty sure John knows what he's doing- he's probably with Alex, still."

"Nope, you're not crazy," he promised, resting his head on his hands. "And I've checked it out, police have run over the file, and I guarantee you- John ain't anywhere near Alex anymore."

"It's just- I feel like everyone is working against me. And it sounds so selfish- I'm only thinking of myself, and I just hate-"

"James- hell no. Nothing about you is selfish, and there's nothing to hate in this beauty." He gestured to all of me, and I let out a watery laugh. "Have you seen yourself? You're fuckin' gorgeous! Inside and out too- not a thing anyone could ever hate. You were with that bastard for two years- it's not your fault about how you're feeling. Hugs?"

I nodded painfully. He pulled me into his arms, and like always, it felt like some sort of healing power. Sure, it didn't change much, but knowing that there was someone there for me- that broke my heart. So I leaned into it and then stepped into the room, my hand tucked into Thomas'. I could do this. Maybe.

"Yo," John said, a nervous smile on his lips, and stuck out his hand for me to shake. "Um, you're James? I'm John Laurens and listen, man, I'm really sorry. 'Bout everything, I had no idea."

Thomas gave me an encouraging glance, nodding. I could do this, hopefully.

I shook his hand. "It's fine, don't worry about it. I can't blame you, you... You didn't know. Um, are you okay? I can imagine that it’s pretty difficult?”

His lips parted in surprise, raising his eyebrows. “Oh, uh, damn. I didn’t think you’d ask that-“ he laughed, nervous- “I’m okay. I saw a police officer on my way in here, and they’re super intimidating.”

I chuckled, taking a seat next to Thomas before I felt his foot hook around my ankle. I suppressed a laugh. Damn it, he was adorable. “They are- I can’t handle the guns.”

“Right!” John exclaimed, before glancing to Thomas. “No offense, but uh, Mr. Jefferson here is pretty intimidating too.”

“Damn right,” Thomas smirked, showing off his shiny shoe with his free foot. “I polished them myself!”

I couldn’t help but adore the childlike wonder on his features, and I laughed. “I’m so proud, wow, you polished your own shoes.”

“You wanna see my briefcase? It’s gorgeous! Took me like twenty minutes too- had to watch like three YouTube videos on how to do it. Wanna feel them, Jemmy?”

“Thomas,” I teased, subtly gesturing towards John still sitting there. But holy shit- he was amazing. How could someone like that go through so much? “I’ll check ‘em out, don’t worry. Your hard work won’t go unnoticed.”

John cracked a grin, glancing between the two of us. “You two are together, aren’t you?”

“Mhm!” Thomas hummed happily, and I nodded, suppressing the heat in my cheeks. He said it so proudly, said it as if he wasn’t ashamed of how... Tired I was, how shaky I was. How everything I was!

“You guys are so cute! You remind me of two of my friends, plus they sorta look similar to you guys. And uh, James, I’m glad to see that you’re doing better. After what happened in the mall, um, I was worried-“

“It’s fine, I’m working on it. Uh, do you want to trade numbers? I know that all that stuff happened, but it’s been nice trying to... Reconnect?”

“Yeah, of course! Here, let me...”

We left the office that day, my phone holding one more number in it. A friend, I supposed? And I was waiting for Thomas to scream at me, how John would leave me too, just like all of my family, but he was ecstatic. He was so proud- was the thing he had said, and how he was really happy to see me doing better. Tears clogged up my throat- how could he be so kind?

And the evening was so nice, as usual. He lounged on the couch, me perched next to him as he skimmed through documents, and I had work to do! I signed off on some of Thomas’ forms, Thomas grinning happily all the way.

How could he do that to me? The same morning I had been playing with a trigger of a gun, and of course, I was still exhausted, but he made me forget about it. The clock ticked towards midnight, and Thomas started dozing off. Beautiful. And I had made another friend, so it was a pretty good day.

“Pretty boy,” Thomas whined after a heavy bout of sleep, pressing his face into my shoulder. “We gotta get to sleep. Soon enough, we’ll be sleepin’ on a six-year old’s schedule.”

I chuckled sleepily, nodding. “Alright, let’s do that. You need it. Um, you should sleep in your own bed tonight-“ shame flushed through me, I hated making him sleep in the living room with me- “you deserve it.”

“Wanna join me?”

I sputtered, my face burning and I knew I’d probably have a panic attack at one point or another. But it’s not as if we were doing anything... Sexual. As long as it wasn’t that, I could manage. And his warmth was wonderful, but it was the same bed. I nodded awkwardly, letting him lead me into his bedroom and a burn of terror hit me like a truck. It wasn’t Thomas, it was Alex. I could feel his presence.

But Thomas climbed under the covers with ease, curls wild over his pillow. He pat the bed, and I nervously climbed in next to him. We weren’t touching, Thomas was doing that ‘thinking’ look, where he was thinking of some sort of pun in his head, but I was freaked.

“James, you okay? I know this is more than usual, so I gotta check in.” He stuck his tongue out in a friendly way, and I desperately tried to get my breathing under control.

“Mm,” I mumbled out as he clicked the light off, and surprisingly, it helped. The darkness seemed to lay there as another blanket. But I was still freezing. “Just kinda cold.”

And I couldn’t help but let out a surprised- and slightly hysterical- laugh when he hugged me to his chest, and along with his magenta blankets, I was finally warm. How on earth did that happen? He had... Such an effect on me. I was lying in his bed for fuck’s sake, you’d think I’d finally figure out why!

And goddamn. I realized suddenly how close he was to me, his eyes closed drowsily, and I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss Thomas- a desperate, pure feeling that made my skin heat up. And he was so nice too- with all his little cheek kisses and all that jazz, would it be okay if I just-

I jerked away from him. What the hell was I thinking? He was almost asleep! That would be horrible, and just thinking those thoughts made me worse than Alex! Taking things without permission, and it was up to Thomas, ew, I felt like I needed a shower to rip every bit of Alex off of me, oh god-

But a deep laugh rang through my thoughts. 

“James, you don’t need to feel weird ‘bout kissing me. I mean, I hope that’s what you were doing or this’ll get real awkward real fast. But I wanna kiss you too, so, how ‘bout it? We are sleeping in the same bed.”

I laughed quietly, how on Earth could he read my thoughts like that? And he said it so simply as if kissing wasn’t that big of a deal, but it was and we both knew it. But I leaned forward without thinking, smiling more than really thinking about doing it. So, then we kissed.

My reaction? Hot damn.

We burst into a fit of giggles, and I was basically grinning against his lips, and jeez. Why didn’t I do this sooner? Six months and I hadn’t kissed him- but ah! He tasted like cinnamon- one of his favorite flavors, so it checked out. And then- I fell asleep against him after a solid thirty minutes of making childish jokes as I kissed him, full-on that’s what she said jokes too.

But something clicked that night- if I wanted this to last, there’s only one thing I could do.

I had to see Alex.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Mentions of physical and sexual abuse, self hate, mentions of suicidal thoughts  
> Stay safe!  
> <3

The next two weeks were delightfully busy.

Which was weird, considering my new condition which I had nicknamed 'forever exhaustion.'

But Thomas seemed to be up at all hours of the day, either working, preparing for the little boy to stay for a little while, or comforting me. He never seemed to get a break! So, I was doing my best to give him my idea of a break, sitting him down every once in a while, and letting him rest. Mostly on my lap. He had the opposite of my 'forever exhaustion,' and the way he overworked everything was worrying. 

I was preparing something big- something that would make sure Thomas could finally sleep, instead of worrying about me. But his kisses and my new hobby of sleeping next to him made me feel different. It was incredibly selfish to think like that, but there were moments where I was so overcome by blistering rage, those were the few things that could calm me down.

My moods were horribly unpredictable- one second I was furious, and the next I was bawling my eyes out. I wasn't a huge fan of it. But Thomas encouraged me to go talk to Angelica as some sort of therapy, and I didn't know, I thought my degree in psychology would fix me. I was considering it though! I wasn't hopeless!

But it did feel like I was making some sort of progress. Touching was so much easier, and kisses from Thomas was by far the best thing ever. They were over the simplest things, me saving him the last piece of bacon, happening to bring him some coffee- boom- suddenly I was being kissed, and ten out of ten. Loved it. And I had started sleeping in his bed, despite the beginning fear, and Thomas was like a snoring helicopter in his sleep. Still- ten out of ten.

And we'd have a new roommate within the next day! Today we'd be meeting a young boy, Peter, and Thomas was excited. And somehow he juggled keeping an eye on me, and an eye on the situation with Peter too. He needed to get some rest, and I had to admit it, rest wouldn't be too bad for either of us. That's where my plan came in. It was dangerous, and... Involved the gun I had found in Thomas' drawer, but I had to. 

"Pretty boy! You excited? I'm fuckin' pumped!"

Thomas grinned excitedly, pulling me out of my thoughts as he wrapped a comforting arm around me. I nodded, overjoyed at how happy he was. He had been working on getting this boy to safety for so long, and he did it. He really didn't quit, it was something I couldn't help but love about him.

"Of course," I smiled, pressing the constant shame down in my throat. "I feel like I should give you a 'this is a big responsibility' lectures that my parents always gave me when I got a new fish."

"You might need to! I was super bad with my pet fish when I was little- my siblings stole them." He winked. "Promise I'll be better with Peter!"

"I believe in you, ready to meet him?" We had been standing on one side of the door to a police station, Thomas gazing in wistfully. "You can do it!"

He smirked, lacing his fingers with mine. "Thanks, Jems, couldn't have done this without you. You sure you're not gonna mind?"

He opened the door for me, and I smiled. "Of course not! It's been forever since I've been around kids- it might take me a bit to figure him out."

"Oh, oh my god. I think that's him-" Thomas gestured subtly to a little black-haired boy hiding behind a police officer's leg- "holy shit James!"

"Might want to keep the swearing to a minimum," I chuckled, giving him a small push in the boy's direction. "Go introduce yourself!"

"I'm nervous, what if I freak him out? He's precious- I don't want to scare him!"

The police lady made eye contact with Thomas, before waving and Thomas' grip on my hand tightened. She ushered the little boy over to Thomas, and his eyes went wide. 

"Mr. Jefferson, we spoke over the phone? You work with my sister!" The lady exclaimed, Thomas letting out a strangled affirmation. "This here is Peter, he's a bit shy, but he's pretty affectionate once he warms up to you."

I nodded encouragingly, surprised. Thomas always seemed so confident, I was shocked that this was making him so nervous. But I was determined to help out! 

But Thomas kneeled down, his features relaxed and he stuck out a hand. "Hey, little man! I'm Thomas, you like superheroes?" Thomas gestured to the boy's backpack, decorated with stickers. Peter nodded shyly, still clinging to the woman's leg. "Yo, same here. Who's your favorite?"

Peter moved out of his position, staring up at Thomas with big, curious eyes. "I like superman, see?" He pointed to a sticker and I couldn't help but grin. Thomas was great with kids! "Can I touch your hair?"

"'Course!" He bent down further, the little boy running his fingers through it before automatically tucking himself behind Thomas. That was quick! "Y'know, I could do your hair like this too."

"You can? How do you do that?" Peter asked excitedly, balling his hands into fists against Thomas' magenta sweater. It was so hard to believe that this boy had been abused and neglected so constantly- but children didn't always show it outright. It could show itself in many different ways. 

While Thomas and the boy chatted, I was waved aside by the police lady. I couldn't keep my eyes on Thomas' lit up face, god, he was beautiful. Who made him feel so awful where he'd turn to self-harm? I'd make his life easier, I had to! He deserved it. So did Peter. So did... Everybody.

"Hi, Mr. Madison? My name is Peggy Schuyler, you can call me whatever. But hey, Thomas told me that you'd be helping take care of Peter over here-" I shook her hand, smiling- "just know, we're eternally grateful! Peter has some issues with self-esteem, he's been having some nightmares, and sometimes separation anxiety when you drop him off at school."

"He's so young," I said softly, shaking my head. "Thomas is great with kids, and I have an associate's degree in social work- we'll do our best. Thank you-you very much for the opportunity."

Only one word caught in my throat! It was a miracle! Peggy smiled, and you'd never believe it- we exchanged numbers. She grinned, nudged me and said that she wanted to hang out, that I seemed 'pretty smart.' Hell yeah! I could count this as another friend, and not that long ago, I had none of these. Sure, we didn't know each other super well, but it counted. 

Thomas and I headed out, the little boy already attached to Thomas' hair, sitting upon his shoulders. I couldn't believe he was nervous- he was so wonderful with kids. And he easily buckled the boy in, and I realized I hadn't introduced myself!

"Oh! Hi Peter, I'm James. I'm a friend of Thomas'," I said softly, the engine rumbling to life under us. "So, I hear you like superheroes. Y'know- my favorite is superman too."

"He is not!" Thomas exclaimed, shock on his features. "You're telling me I'm the only one who likes batman?"

"Yeah!" Peter and I laughed in unison, and to my surprise, a small hand met my own in a fist bump. I felt a swell of adoration for the young boy- I'd do everything I could to protect him. 

After a solid ten minutes of Thomas arguing with constant giggles, we got home and showed Peter his room- and it broke my heart at how excited he was. Had he never had that at his house? Thomas' eyes were filled with such sadness, we must've been thinking the same thing.

"My bed!" Peter cried out happily, climbing up on it and bounced- trying to touch the ceiling. "Can I put my drawings on the walls?"

"Of course!" Thomas grinned, marking something down on his hand. Oh, don't get me started on Thomas' hand lists. "What kind of stuff do you like drawing? I can put up a string so you can clip them up."

"I like drawing dinosaurs!" I almost melted- the kid was so adorable. "I brought some- tomorrow is art class! I'll have new ones soon!"

"Can't wait to see 'em! Now, Peter, do you have any homework you need to do?"

And that is how I ended up spending that evening. We sat all together at the table and Thomas was amazing- he showed Peter the easiest ways to write his numbers, letters and everything in between. Thomas mumbled questions to me under his breath- asking what time he went to bed, what time to bring him to school, all of that. He gave me an affectionate kiss, and then, of course, a wink, as a thank you. Yet my fingers still curved as if I was holding the gun.

"Okay Peter, wake us up if you need anything. Or just scream. 'Cause I've got great ears, so I'll hear you. And no monsters under the bed, not in the closet, and we've got our nightlight." There was a pause, shuffling, and I poked my head in and waved at the sleepy boy. "Sweet dreams kiddo, nighty night."

"Night Tommy and Jamey!"

He flicked off the light, and shut the door- and immediately put his arms around me. 

"You're the fuckin' best," he mumbled into my neck, and I smiled, closing my eyes against him. "Like seriously. I didn't give you no contract that says that you would have to be my boyfriend- and help me with a kid. But you did."

"I'd do it no matter what, don't worry. I like you, after all," I teased, pulling him towards his bed. "You need to sleep! You need to go to bed!"

He grunted, and I could feel the exhaustion rolling off of him. Poor guy. Within minutes, he was ready to sleep, wrapping his arms under mine and pulled me onto his lap. I still couldn't get over this part of the relationship- he was so affectionate in such small ways that made my heart thump. I never had that.

He rested his head on my own, his breathing falling steady. I didn't want to hurt Thomas anymore, with my nightmares, with my everything. And he was so good to me, there was nothing I could do to give him anything back. I snuggled deeper into his arms. What a beautiful person.

Despite everything I was so desperately working towards, it was a bad night.

I jerked awake at midnight, my fingers aching to hold the gun. It was such a comforting feeling- a feeling of being in control, a flicker of a moment where I could help others. My eyes adjusted to the dark, and Thomas was half-covered by blankets- and I did what any person would do. Yep- I put another blanket on him and squished my face into his chest. I wanted to be close to him, that's the only thing I knew.

Tears fell from my eyes, a plan desperately forming in my head. I had to keep him safe, I had to make sure Alex was put away- for good- and that I wouldn't bother him again. Somewhere in me was a pleading voice, a desire to give Thomas an easy life, and maybe, I thought, I could be apart of it. That would never happen, of course.

That was particularly painful to think of.

"Hm, James? You okay?" Thomas mumbled, putting a hand behind my head to hold me closer to his chest. "What's wrong, beauty?"

"Nothing, I'm okay," I lied, savoring the heat from him. Oh god. It felt as if I couldn't get close enough, he was perfect and I knew I wouldn't have him for much longer. "I'm sorry Thomas."

"Mm? For what?" He asked sleepily, and I only cried harder. He could feel my tremors- he sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes. "James?"

He pulled me up and I pressed my head against his chest. This was so much harder than I could ever believe. The only way to make Thomas' life easier was... But he seemed to like me- so much, to the point where he gave me questioning glances to make sure I was okay. 

"Sorry I'm such a burden," I said softly, and I could feel him tense up under me. I was still on my plan- I had to see Alex, but I couldn't bear the risks that I would go through. What if I never could go back to Thomas again? 

"Pretty boy-" he grunted, situating himself- "never think that, okay? Not true at all, I love being around you. Like, so much. Moon and back. And all your friends too, they know how far you've come. And I'm not letting a thing happen to you, ever again. The world is so much better with you in it."

I bit my lip, willing myself not to cry any harder and wake up Peter. I spent a moment basking in his warmth, our skin only separated by my sweater and his tank top. And I wanted to tell him so desperately, the things I had been thinking about- about Alex, about the gun, about everything. 

"You're so loved," he murmured, running his fingers over my hair. "And you owe it to yourself- you're wonderful."

I swallowed, pushing down the words that were better left unsaid. "You are too. Don't forget that."

I could feel his smile against my head, a wonderful sort of thing. "James, you'd be okay if I set up a meeting with Angelica tomorrow? We're gonna get rid of these bad feelings, once and for all!"

"No problem," I murmured, blinking away tears. I had to hold on a little longer. "It's just... Lately, I've been thinking, maybe the stuff with Alex never actually happened. It seems fake, y'know?"

"I know pretty boy, I know. It was real, and I wish it never happened. And it doesn't define who you are, you're absolutely perfect." He pressed his lips against my own, and I couldn't help but grin. Most of our kisses were smiles against each other, exchanged laughter, and on Thomas' end, puns. They were wonderful. I couldn't believe that it had been so long with him, it felt like a moment. My heart sank in my chest. And soon it would be over.

"Try to get some sleep, love," he mumbled, pulling me back into his arms. "Sleep in tomorrow, I know you're not feeling too well. I'll bring Peter into school, I'll be back in no time at all. We'll schedule an appointment, and if you need to, we can take a day off. Our day. Spa day. Cucumbers on eyes and all that shit."

Thank god I was facing away from him, because hot tears fell down my cheeks, using my free hand to cover my mouth. He called me 'love.' He loved me. Well no- the nickname didn't always mean that. But he said it so smoothly, not a moment of hesitation. And he'd never know how I felt about him. I couldn't say it, it would make Thomas remember me. But the thought- that we could spend more time together, especially with Peter, made my heart flip. 

So for that moment, I stayed. I let him hold me, him snoring quietly while nuzzled into my neck. It was the perfect feeling. And I knew it wouldn't last. 

The clock hit three, and I slipped out of bed, out of the warmth, and out of the most kindness I'd ever meet. My heart broke- and I leaned down to kiss the heavily sleeping Thomas, tears rolling down my cheeks too quickly. I didn't know why I was so damn upset- I was fine. I'd be back before anyone realized it. My plan changed- in this new one, I came home. And I knew it couldn't happen. 

So, I gathered my things, brushed my lips over Thomas' cheek for luck, and went to Alex.


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!  
> Graphic descriptions of violence, attempted sexual assault, very strong language, and references to past sexual assault  
> Stay safe, love you all!  
> <3

My hands were bleeding.

I scratched off the scabs that were so close to being scars without a hint of hesitation because my heart was already pounding- and if it wasn't broken before, it was shattered by now.

Nobody paid any mind to me- and not long ago, I had cherished it. I cherished the pain I controlled, but everything was so different. I was different. And I knew if I told Thomas an ounce of what I was thinking, of what I was doing, he'd pull me to his chest and listen. A man who never ran out of words would listen to me for hours- and I didn't feel whole without him.

My senses were burning from the cold. My bloody fingertips were numb, terror ripping through my chest with every step I was hyper-aware of, my feet hitting the pavement, grasping for an end that was just out of reach. I could have driven to Alex's house, but the cold felt nice. Thomas always teased about how old fashioned I was. 

I rounded the corner, my mind empty- emotional shock, eh? Is that what we were doing now? And my eyes landed on the house. And of course- my throat closed immediately and my knees buckled so desperately, but I kept walking. I had a job that night- I owed it to Thomas. I swallowed. I couldn't go back now.

I pressed my forehead to the door. This didn't seem real. I had spent so many hours dwelling on how this would go down, and I felt... Nothing. Just like what happened when people went skydiving, they get so terrified their fear simply stops. 

Sure, my heart was screaming in my ears, felt like I was going to throw up, cry a new ocean that would float me to another continent, but otherwise pretty calm. I leaned against the frame and pulled out my phone. Should I record it? I mean, it's not like I ever wanted to relive the moments. I mean, come on! But, I assumed I needed to get some sort of proof of the treatment I had faced for years. It still didn't seem real.

So I inhaled- which ended up being painful- and knocked on the door.

"Who the fuck is up at this time in the morn-"

My eyes landed on Alex- shame. All I felt was shame. And Alex smiled so widely, looking horrible for Alex's standards. Disgust hit me next- oh god, I was going to be sick. The smell f the air brought back every single memory of his meaty hands all over my body, even when I said no, please oh god no, I can't do it again, and he didn't care- he never did. I was going to die.

"James," he said proudly, grinning. His hair was pulled back, happiness laced in his smile- and he was a monster. He put his hands on me- he disrupted everything- he made Thomas feel stressed. Thomas. Fucking- Alex had touched Thomas too. It wasn't the same, but it was bad. He was always bad. "I knew you would be back."

I had approached the house with peace as the only thing in my head, that somehow, I could talk some sense into him. At least get him to confess. They had DNA samples to prove that it was him- but it wasn't enough. And it was horrible, I couldn't bear to be dependent on such a- but then it hit me.

What if I was becoming the bad guy?

I had been with Alex for so long, it would make sense. Every drop of anger I felt flush through my system, it was Alex. Nobody felt such terror and anger for others- and themselves- to the point where they grasped a gun as if it were their only hope. Only monsters. I was a monster.

"Alright!" Alex exclaimed, taking a seat on the chair as if I were there to stay. I would rather die. "Let's hear it slut! I'm waiting for the apology, hm?"

I stumbled. Alex had such a smug smirk upon his face, never like the usual teasing ones I saw from Thomas. And it had been so long, and had I even made any progress? This wiped it all away, I had to get out! I had to get out of here, I had to run! And my mind pleaded for me to kick him and then sprint out of there, but I stood my ground with the confidence of an ant.

But this is where monsters belonged, didn't they? I was just a ridiculous, a stupid little boy and- I could hear Thomas' soothing voice, telling me to never ever let my mind wander to such dark corners, but it seemed so far away. I needed Thomas- I couldn’t do this anymore, I was so tired and so utterly scared.

And god, oh god, Thomas. Wonderful and perfect in every way- and he was the one who had to deal with it. He had to deal with every night of me sobbing my eyes out- all because of the man in front of me- but still made me laugh so hard. Thomas never left, he was truly there for me, and I'd be there for him too. And when I asked myself why, the answer was simple. And who knew if it was because of every messed up thought, or if it was because he entranced everyone he met- my reason was the one that mattered. I loved him. So, so much.

"Well?" He prodded, stretching his leg out and poked me on the calf. It burned brutally- I didn't want to do this any longer, his touch was worse than hell. "I'm waiting."

I almost laughed. He was like a comic villain. Yeah, I was probably getting a bit hysterical by then.

"I want to know why," I forced out, trying to imitate Thomas' strong and clear one, but they came out clunky and awkward as my heart slammed in my chest. "Why'd you do... Everything?"

"I didn't do anything to you, babe, what are you talking about?"

"Don't call me that!"

My voice rose to a watery shout, tears gathering in my eyes. I had to get home. I wanted to go to Thomas so badly- but I had to do this first. I took a steadying breath- even if it didn't help- but was cut off. 

"Bitch- you bitch, you never fucking change- what're you here for? You here to rub your horribleness in my face?" The words seared my skin, and I could feel my knees buckle- goddamn it. He switched so quickly- just like I did. "What? Let's hear it?"

He hooked his ankle around my own, and I let out a bloodcurdling scream. "Don't touch me!"

"You stupid-" Alex legged forward, his knee colliding with my stomach and I was suddenly on the floor, vision spinning- "whore! Why did you even come? The sex never gonna be as good?"

My head rang, and I heaved, my mind screaming for him to _get the fuck away!_ I knew that I was a monster but I would never do this, I would never ever do this to another human being. I couldn't do this, oh god, because he was pulling out his pocket knife I had given him for his birthday so long ago, and flipped it open.

"God, you have no idea how long I've wanted to do this. Finally, take you as mine- such a shame it was in this way, eh? 'Cause you ruin everything- every single second of everyone's lives." He grinned demonically, running his hands over my wrist as if prepping me to be cut. How did I ever love a man like him? And then he pressed down.

I screamed, the knife coming in contact with my skin as he began to carve something I couldn't tell- it was everything all over again, the shame, the hopelessness, and terror and everything- but something clicked.

I wanted to go home. And I owed it to Thomas, to Peter, I owed it to John and Angelica, and Mr. Washington and the tall French man who led me inside the office. To my family. To the friends Alex pushed away for me. I owed it to the old lady who owned the flower shop, and all the professors who taught me. I wanted them to see me graduate, with memories like never before, and I wanted to go home. I owed it to myself.

"Don't touch me!" I repeated, my voice coming out stronger and I grabbed him by the hair- and full on slammed my head into his own. He stumbled back, shocked and my wrist throbbed with pain. I had to get home. "Alex, don't touch me!"

"You bitch!" He seethed, blood forming at his hairline, and he gripped the knife. "You horrible, terrible b-"

I pulled out the gun. 

And I hated the fact that that's the only time he listened to me- when I pointed a gun at him- and I knew I couldn't shoot. There wasn't a single bullet inside. But it felt as if Thomas was holding my hand, the gun engraved with a familiar name, Thomas' smile against my skin. Tears and blood smearing across my face as I brushed across my eyes, willing myself to be steady.

I almost gave myself back to Alex, but I'd be going home. No matter what. I would see all of them again. And sure, I'd need a shit ton of therapy after my adrenaline went back to normal, but I'd be getting home. I just had to had out of here, call the police, and go home. And maybe, maybe, I would finally feel full again. But my phone was hot in my back pocket- and holy shit, it had been recording. I had proof, this was proof, it had to be!

But it wouldn't be proof if I didn't get out of here alive.

"Okay, shit, James. I was just kidding, relax. Wait for a second-"

"Alex, I'm done waiting! You ruined my life- and you keep saying that it's all my fault, when you're the one who is ruining it. And-And I'm happy now- and I seriously came here to ask you why you did everything you did. It makes sense now. You're... You're going to prison anyway."

"No, the fuck I am not. Look me in the eye slut, I'll die before I go to prison, you understand? Just 'cause you're holding some gun doesn't mean you'll shoot, you're weak! It'd be so simple to claim you back as mine, sluts never learn, eh? You miss me touching you don't you?"

I shivered, my skin crawling. His words did not feel good one bit. "Shut up," I managed, and oh god, where has this guy been? My voice sounded so clear, but I was terrified. I just wanted to go home. But what was the chance that the police could actually hear this? If I screamed loud enough maybe a neighbour would hear- what if I died here? 

No, oh god, no. I didn't want to think about that.

But my adrenaline was spiralling, and if I didn't get out of here soon, I'd give in. And in the distance: sirens. And suddenly my prayers to a god I was so sure that didn't exist had been answered, oh god, please, please be coming here, I was going to crash. And why did I even come here? I had the confession, but I was so scared- I couldn't even feel a thing.

"You bitch!" Alex screamed, lunging toward to slam me against the door and I let out a pathetic yelp. "You did call the police, I bet that gun isn't even real- even loaded! Come on, shoot me James! Shoot me. You won't shoot me. 'Cause you still love me."

My thoughts spun with ideas I couldn't explain- such violent words rounding my mind and I couldn't breathe without inhaling his scent that stole everything so long ago. He was so close to me, and I was so close to getting out of there- and oh god, he was unbuckling his-

"Let's see how you take it now, eh?"

I jammed my fingers into his eyes.

A howl lodged itself free from Alex's throat as he stumbled back, clapping his hand over his eyes. My fingertips were going numb- and I hated how good that felt- the sirens blaring in my ears, oh god, I think I was bleeding- but Alex was no where near me. And I could get out. 

But something inside of told me not to leave. He had ruined my life, I was so sure of it, but everything changed. Despite everything, people still managed to like me- how on earth could that happen? But he didn't have the power any more, I was in control. I stood up shakily, gripping the gun in one hand as I pressed against the door to keep myself upright. 

"God, you're so useless- you can't get rid of me, okay?" Alex scowled, gripping half of his face in pain. Nobody deserved to be used the way he used me. Not a single person. "I'm here, I'm the only one who's here for you!"

"That's not true!" I exclaimed, exhaustion replacing the anger in my mind, the sirens reaching their peak. The police were here- so basically, I had to get out of there. "I'm not like you!"

"Bitch, you seriously think that? I'll kill you! I'll kill you and then you'll have to stay with me! You can't leave me!"

An officer was slamming their fist on the door, shouting to _open the door!_ I screamed, Alex taking a violent swing towards my face within a second- but I don't know who possessed me, but I caught his wrist.

"Don't touch me!" I shouted, and suddenly Alex was being pressed up against a wall by a lady in blue, my wrist bleeding from his carving- half of an 'A' that could have been mistaken for a birthmark. But Alex looked so terrified, so weak and so helpless, and his whole mood switched. 

"James, oh my god, baby, please don't leave me!" He was suddenly pleading, tears slipping down his cheeks as I swung the door open, the frigid night air hitting my face. "Don't leave me! Why did you do this to me? Why don't you love me? We're practically twins- what made you do this?"

"I'm not like you!" I said, but my voice was muffled. He shouted something- I spun, and finally looked him right in the eyes. "This is my life, and I'm in control- nobody else. Alex- I- you'll learn someday."

He screamed. He shouted every single profanity I had ever heard- but oh god, who was that? It was as if something deep inside of me bubbled up, it wasn't my voice but it was absolutely my thoughts. I didn't know what to think, the winter air was blistering on my face to the point of burning, tears freezing in my eyes. It hurt. Everything hurt but I felt ridiculously relieved about something. About what, oh god, about what?

"James!"

I lifted my head, the flashing of red and blue lights tormenting my vision- this didn't seem right. Why did I feel like this? Why did I-

My knees buckled and I fell to the grass, my arms hanging uselessly at my side. Where was that voice coming from? I could hear the faintest flicker of my name on the wind, tears trailing down my cheeks oh god, this didn't feel right, my heart was beating far too fast.

"James, oh my god, James-" warm arms wrapped around me, holding me to their chest- "hey, can you hear me, pretty boy?"

The nickname was familiar- a memory that I couldn't quite grasp but I knew who it belonged to.

"Thomas," I said softly, his fingers running under my eyes as he wiped away my tears, his face illuminated by the flashing lights. "He won't bother us again."

"I know, I know, you did so well," he murmured, and I was practically nuzzled into his neck, in danger of knocking him over onto the grass. "You did perfectly, so well, and I'm so proud of you. Hey, hey- I love you, you know that?"

And then everything came rushing back.

Holy shit. The feeling of pressing my fingers into Alex's eyes, and the screaming and every single insult that left his mouth came flooding my mind, and I let out a sob, pressing my hand to my face. Oh god. I risked everything, and I almost didn't see Thomas again- and Peter, I almost didn't see Peter again! And I loved Thomas so ridiculously much and I wanted to say something, anything, but didn't know where to start and, oh fuck, what was going on? 

"I love you so much," I choked out, my voice bordering on a laugh. I would never be able to say it enough. My shoulders began to shake as a hysterical giggle hit the air, my face pressed into Thomas' chest. "Shit- I love you so much- a-and I almost didn't tell you- you're so beautiful and-and I love you a lot and now Alex is gonna leave us alone."

I couldn't see his face but something told me that he was smiling, hoisting me up so he could hold me easier. "You did so well, love- and hah! I get to call you that now! And I'm gonna be content with hugging you right now, 'cause if I make out with you as I so desperately wanna do, I'll probably be arrested for touching the artwork."

A sobbing laugh left my throat, my voice rising hysterically as Thomas ran his fingers over my hair, finding my bloody wrist with his other hand. "Pretty boy, Alex did this to you, didn't he?"

I grumbled out a response, completely fine with staying in Thomas' lap for the rest of eternity. I didn't need any nurses or stuff like that- I just wanted Thomas. I wanted to live my life. I pressed against him, smiling. I couldn't get close enough to him, the heat radiating off of him was a wonderful feeling, the gentle touches he gave to me were so kind. The smallest things- the way he ran his hands over my hair, the way he kissed me in the early morning light, he made me feel safe.

"I... I brought your gun," I forced out, shame flooding me. "I'm sorry- I was just terrified and it was stupid and I wasn't going to use it- it wasn't even loaded and-"

"Shh, I know, I know." He pressed a kiss to my nose, a smile rising on my lips. "That's what makes you a good person- you weren't gonna use it. That's not my James."

My James. I expected a burst of terror from the new title, but I felt blissful happiness from him. I could feel the scars through his shirt, running my fingers over the wounds from his past. I had had an idea- when he was out for a meeting and I happened to be at home, Peter and I could write a bunch of notes for Thomas and hide them. It sounded odd- but each note would be a reason why we loved him. 

He supported me and the shattered thing in my chest I called a heart. And he made me feel wonderfully whole again- and he told me that I wouldn't ever be the same after Alex, I'd be stronger. And Thomas had occasionally moments of sadness, sprawled out and face down on the covers, I'd rub his back and listen to his sorrow- and I supported him. Just like he did to me. 

Thomas called a nurse over who bandaged my wrist, my face squished into him. A burning of helplessness hit me next, my shoulders beginning to shake with a whole new emotion, Thomas giving me a kiss that I couldn't help but adore.

"Goddamn," I chuckled, hot tears hitting my knees. "I'm gonna need a hell of a lot of therapy after this, aren't I?"

Thomas peppered me with kisses and slowly rose to his feet, the wind slapping my face, but I could hardly feel it. There was a warmth inside of me- something that was never there before and a sense of blissful relief. And not a hint of hesitation was on Thomas' features as he happily grinned, propping me up with one arm.

"Hell yeah pretty boy, anythin' that's gonna help you feel better! And we both got some cash, you don't gotta worry. And there's someone else here to see you too, beauty!"

"God, you're the best. Who's here? It's early Thomas, you need to sleep." My voice was beginning to sound more like my own- Thomas rubbing circles in the small of my back as exhaustion fluttered over my paralysed brain, but something managed to click. "You didn't bring Peter, did you?"

Thomas let out a laugh, stepping away only briefly before picking the six year old out of the car who was clutching a blanket around him. I grinned, taking a shaky step towards the boy before ruffling his hair. 

"Thomas, don't worry, I won't scold you right now. I'm tired, let's get you and this lovely Peter to bed-" the boy let out an overjoyed exclaim, obviously excited to be awake so early- "we'll mess up his sleep schedule, you need your sleep too."

"Mhm, I know honey." The nickname flooded my ears as Thomas gently set the boy into the back of a police car, and I couldn't help but smile. "Let's go- I'm gonna get a hell of a lot of coffee tomorrow. We'll deal with everything in the morning- together. We’ll get everything sorted out, grab an appointment with Angelica, and make sure you are safe, of course! I’m sure Mr. Washington won’t mind if we play a bit of hooky.”

"God, I love you so much," I whispered, following Thomas into the backseat, grasping his hand. This would be so painful to do all over again but, I had so many people there for me. And I believed it, I never was shown a second of love- but there was Thomas. There was... So much good instead. And I knew the paranoia and terrible issues would come in no time at all, and soon enough this haze over my brain would lift and I'd have to come to terms with what just happened, but I got the ending we deserved. No- not an ending. A beginning. And someday I'd accept that's what I deserved too.

I snuggled into Thomas' chest, our fingers intertwined without a slip of hesitation, Peter opening the window as a gust of wind blew in. Everything had changed. And the day at the flower shop started so much, and it ended so much too. I ran my fingers over the scars again- a reminder that he was real. Every single moment of terror was real- but the opposite of fear came with it. We were real. 

"I love you," Thomas murmured, pressing his lips to my cheek. I would deal with the aftermath of the terror in the morning- please, let me have this moment. Because- I knew this thought may change but some part of me would always be sure- that we would get through this. "More than the shit ton of mac and cheese I make daily."

"Goddamn, you-you're such a flirt. And, I'm so glad I fell in love with this flirt."

"Damn right."

We broke into giggles, holding each other to the point ‘I never want to let you go’ was implied, Peter jumping about to call me a real life superhero, and of course, the faintest smell of flowers on the wind.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my goodness- this is it! This was the final chapter of this story and I must say, it has been quite a ride! Thank you all so much for sticking with me as I wrote this, I’ve been dealing with my own life currently that winds up with similar themes back at this story. I’m thinking about writing an epilogue, stay tuned for that you amazing people!
> 
> Thank you all so much, I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people pushing me along! Thank you!<3


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